12 Reasons It's Better to Be Gay

Oh sure, we can't get married, we can get fired for no good reason at all and there are angry pastors claiming we're all going to burn in the eternal pits of damnation (so long as they're not there, that's fine, by the way). But if you asked if we could trade being gay for being straight, we'd laugh in your face. Here are 12 ways that being a homo beats the pants off the breeder lifestyle any day of the week.

1. The Sex.
By far, the best part about being a gay dude is that sex is totally easy. I know this sort of propagates the whole 'gay men are sluts' meme, but it's the god's honest truth. Men like sex and so, stick two of us together and sex comes pretty easily. It's a fact of life that lots of gay men, meet, hook-up and become friends and when we tell this to our straight friends, they're very jealous.

If you really want to depress your straight friends, explain that your partner will never withhold sex until you do the dishes or take out the trash or what not. Never happens.

Oh – and nobody ever gets accidentally pregnant!

2. Double the wardrobe.
This is an old Seinfeld joke, but as a closet full of ex-boyfriends' clothes (we trade!) attests to, you don't just get the boy, you get his fashion, too. There's something incredibly sexy about seeing the guy you're into hopping into your jeans.

3. We're more open-minded.
Look, I'm a blond-haired, blue-eyed white boy who grew up in middle-class suburbia. I'd like to think that I would be a tolerant, open-minded person regardless of my sexuality, but being gay has done a lot to make me a better human being. There's a world of difference between sympathy and empathy and knowing what it's like to be treated differently simply because of who you are. It opens your mind to the casual racism and classism in this country.

4. We can ask for directions.
Lost your way? No reason to demand you know the right way to go, just pull over and ask a gas station attendant. Can someone explain to me why straight guys can't do this?

5. We do not presume every straight person wants to sleep with us.
Without fail, at some point in the friendship of every straight pal I've ever had, they've alluded to the fact that I must secretly want to bang them. I used to explain to most of them that they aren't my type, but after one-too-many bruised egos, I've learned to keep quiet and just smile.

6. All these awesome people.
Sexuality crosses so many boundaries that when you're gay, you're bound to meet people who are not like you. In seeking out people who are like you, you inevitably meet people who are not like you at all. One of my first friends at college was this gay guy named Don. We bonded over a love of Kenneth Branagh and the Dewey Decimal System, and when I dumped my first college boyfriend, Don was worried I was doing it to be with him and divulged to me that he was a female-to-male transsexual. At 19, this blew my mind and I had all sorts of questions: "Why would you go from being a straight woman to being a gay guy?" ("All the good ones are gay"), "But, it'd be so much easier!" ("Yeah, but I've always seen myself as a boy—sexuality is independent of gender") and while we didn't find love, we became best friends. I don't know that's something that would have happened if I were straight.

7. The Toaster Oven.
As you all know from your own coming out experience, one of the great gay thing about being gay is all the toaster ovens you get when your recruit new gays to the cause. The only down shot of this is that, at this point, I'm eating toast morning, noon and night.

8. We're not threatened by strong-willed women.
In fact, we love them and idolize them. If you're a gal who knows what she wants and is willing to claw and fight to make it in a man's world, gay men will be there cheering you all the way. The straight boys will cower in fear and call you a bitch. Bitch? Honey, you have no idea.

9. It's easier to be yourself.
We don't envy our straight male buddies. There's a lot of discussion about female gender roles being constricting, but most guys don't even talk about it; it's just "drink beer, watch football, dress slobby." One of the great things about the gay rights movement is that it's making it easier for straight guys to be themselves and express non-standard interests. For gay guys, it's just expected. Want to unrepentantly sing musical theater songs in the shower? Go for it. For instance, I'm a nerdy bookworm. I talk about the NYTimes Books Review section with my friends. I drag friends to art gallery openings—and until this moment, I never really thought twice about what people might say about it.

10. It is much easier to get cast in a reality TV show.
Oh, so you juggle, are related to the British crown and live on the back of your motorcycle? Awesome. We're gay and have snappy catchphrases. Do you really want to compete?

11. We have friends everywhere.
Go to any major city and ask where the gay district and you'll have an instant network. Gays are all about creating their own families and, for the most part, we take kindly to strangers. In fact, a lot of the time, we don't even have to try. How many times has someone come up to you and said, "Hey, you have to meet my friend, Kenny! He's gay too!" which can get really old, but how many straight guys have a cavalcade of girls trying to set them up? Exactly.

12. To the kids, we are the coolest members of our family.
Everyone loves the guncle. You bring the coolest toys, you listen to what the kids say and when they come over, they get treated like royalty. While some of the adults in your family may judge you, to the kids, you are God—God with a frozen hot chocolate.

13. We are inherently fun.
It's right there in the name: "Gay." There's an expectation that gay folks are good times, and while we get depressed like the rest of the world, for the most part, we're happy to oblige. If you want to do something, it takes on an instant cool cachet, simply because you're a big 'mo who must know what he's doing. It doesn't matter if it's stock car racing or ballet, you come with an instant stamp of cultural authority that you can use to your endless amusement.

Source: Queerty

Four Years of Toothy Tile

Austin Nichols and Jake Gyllenhaal
March 5, 2009

March 10, 2005

Jolie's lesbian boasts
Sultry screen siren Angelina Jolie has boasted she is an expert at lesbian sex - because she's a woman. The Tomb Raider actress, 29, has admitted to relationships with females in the past, as well as her high-profile marriages to Jonny Lee Miller and Billy Bob Thornton. She enthuses: "I absolutely love women and find them incredibly sexy. I have loved women in the past and slept with them too. I think if you love and want to pleasure a woman, particularly if you are a woman yourself, then certainly you know how to do things in a certain way."


Stallone Launches his Own Brand Pudding
Actor Sylvester Stallone has shown his awareness to make better American diets, whom he suggested to snack the sugar-free chocolate mousse in a can. As a solution of the many unhealthy foods sold in the market and to help people to find like so-called wholesome food that doesn't need much time to prepare, he promotes his own brand of high protein dessert.


Simpson and Lachey Recording New Albums
After taking time out to make movies and star in the reality TV show, newlyweds Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are back to music. They are both recording new albums that will soon be released.


Elton teams up with Beckhams to buy house
Elton John is teaming up with the Beckhams to buy a home in South Africa. The trio want to buy a holiday home they can share. Elton is godfather to Brooklyn Beckham so the whole family is very close to the legendary singer.


Robbie Williams gutted at Michael retirement
Robbie Williams is devastated George Michael is quitting the music industry because he was planning to record a duet with the ex-Wham! Star. Williams approached Michael about the collaboration when they were filming their cameo appearances for a charity episode of television comedy Little Britain. But Michael has since announced his decision to step away from the limelight to compose songs for other artists. Williams moaned: "I'm gutted. I wanted to duet with him on my album."


One Adorable Blind Vice
Okay, sugar-muffins, the only reason this one's in the Vice section is because until quite recently, Toothy Tile was dating his superpopular, superannoyingly perfect girlfriend. Not boyfriend. Which, if you ask this old gossip whore, is the classification Tile would prefer his significant others be filed under in the very near future. read more

More photos: IHJ

Musicals and the Gay Gene

March 18, 2003

Arguments about whether there's a "gay gene" have roiled scholars for years. But as Oscar night approaches, I'm going out on a limb to declare that while we may never stop arguing about that, we can be sure of one thing: There's a Broadway musical gene, and gay men have it. Solid proof is on movie screens all over America.

Chicago, the most sizzling movie musical since Cabaret, is single-handedly reviving what was until recently considered a moribund art form. And no surprise to me, it was created in almost every sense by gays: namely, its writer, producers, and brilliant director. Pure coincidence? Puhl-e-e-eze. Chicago is just the latest bit of scientific evidence that while the homosexual hypothalamus may not necessarily determine sexual orientation, it sure knows how to tap its toes.

It's funny about gay men and musicals. Sure, the theater queen stereotype may be a bit overblown. But when you count up the sheer number of Cole Porters and Michael Bennetts, Stephen Sondheims and Noel Cowards, Jerome Robbinses, Jerry Hermans, Leonard Bernsteins, and Tommy Tunes, you have to admit that a velvet mafia has always had Broadway in its pocket.

And what's true onstage is just as true out there in the audience. Starting in junior high, boys blessed with the Broadway gene reflexively shun the gridiron to embrace Gypsy. And what happens? They're almost automatically pegged as gays-in-training. (I know--I was one.)

As we grow older, the gene manifests itself in strange and eerie ways. For decades phrases like "friend of Dorothy" were pillars of the secret code of the closet. Today's repository of this genetic lore isn't so much the Broadway stage as the big city piano bar--as gay an institution as the leather bar. There you'll find theater queens, driven by an impulse Freud never addressed, sitting around singing obscure songs from shows that closed out of town--and somehow knowing every word!

So Foucaultians can whistle against the wind. Homosexuality and hoofing go together like ... well, like song and dance.

Need more proof? Consider this. For the past couple of decades the musical was considered a dying art form. Rock overthrew Broadway show tunes as America's most popular music, and audiences supposedly didn't buy actors spontaneously bursting into song. Maybe. But it's just as possible that musicals declined because the vital gay link had been damaged.

AIDS swept away many of Broadway's leading gay lights, like Michael Bennett--people we needed to keep the genre going. And gay lib itself may have thrown a wrench into the genetic works. After all, an intense biological attraction to Ethel Merman and clever lyrics used to create the kind of bond for gays that sports do for many straights. Once we were liberated, our genes went all wooky, confused by a culture that produced disco, the gym, and the circuit. Cut off from what we knew best, gay men were cast adrift.

But biology is destiny, and the sudden success of a movie musical put together by a top gay team has profound clinical implications. The fact that writer Bill Condon, producers Craig Zadan and Neil Meron, and director Rob Marshall were able to cook up such a stunning reinvention validates musical essentialism and refutes any constructionist blather that they just "happen" to be gay.

After all, Chicago's gay creators report that they didn't fall in love with musicals because of gay culture or gay oppression, and they certainly weren't "recruited." They "always knew" they loved musicals. Rob Marshall reports that he "knew" when he was 4; Craig Zadan when he was 8. Sound familiar?

This, people, is the mysterious gay musical gene at work. Its fruits are now up on the screen to razzle-dazzle the clueless masses.

So on Oscar night I'll tip my hat to other gay-related films, like The Hours. But I'll be rooting for Chicago. Not just for what it is but what it represents. As Tevye says in Fiddler: Tradition! In this case, a major gay biological tradition, battered and bruised but still all-singing, all-dancing, and all-dreaming, despite changing tastes and the circuit and all that jazz.

Source: The Advocate, article by Gabriel Rotello

Gay BFF: A User's Guide

Jake Gyllenhaal and Penelope Cruz
Vanity Fair Oscar Party 2009

If you're a girl of a certain age, or even a metrosexual boy with an enlightened sense of style, chances are you have a gay best friend. You two are probably pretty tight and tell each other everything. After all, gays are like really understanding well-dressed genies, right? Like all cute, smart and adorable animals, your gay is more complicated than you think. To help you get the most out of your gay BFF, we've assembled a brief manual of operations.

Gay men are like straight men, it's just they're not trying to fuck you.

"Why can't there be straight guys, like you?" you ask us and we smile, secure in our knowledge that we're more talented, charming and well-groomed than any straight boy you'll ever encounter. Here's the dirty little secret the gays have been keeping from you: We're huge horrible jerks, too—it's just we have no desire to pork you, so we won't fuck with your head. Yes, we listen to you and talk about our feelings, but believe it or not, these are things that straight guys do as well, they just don't do it with you. Again, because of the whole fucking thing. They're trying to get into bed with you and men, in general, always assume there's some sort of secret game of indifference and emotional manipulation that's needed to score. How do we know this? Because we do it to other guys all the time. We don't call our dates back. We act aloof and have terrible fears of commitment. You know how we tell you about all the terrible things our various boyfriends do to us? Well, guess what? We're doing them, too. Why do we seem like such a better catch than straight dudes? Because we don't want to have sex with you. If we did, we'd be jerks, too.

Never fall in love with your gay.

Following from this, the single most important thing to maintaining a long term friendship with your gay is to never-ever fall in love with them. Remember how you felt about N'Sync growing up? Chances are, your gay BFF brings up a lot of those old pre-teen feelings. At some point, perhaps during some 2am chat about the various merits of Ben & Jerry's Mint Chocolate Chip, you'll think to yourself, "This is so much better than the annoying singles scene. If only I could get him to sleep with me." When you start having these thoughts, you need to send your gay home. While we can have deep emotional relationships with our girlfriends, we're never going to be able to give you what you want. The reason the relationship is easy is because it's not going anywhere. Real relationships are messy, complicated and riddled with self-doubt and expectation. Pursuing a gay boy will only wind up with you resenting them, not just because they can't return your love, but because you've spent all your time wooing them instead of finding a man who will give you what you want.

Do not call yourself a "fag hag." Do not let your gay call you one.

"Fag hag" is a really demeaning term. It's a fat girl who can never get a date. It's someone who still has unicorn posters in her bedroom. You're a woman. Your life isn't defined by your gays and if it is, you should reconsider what you're doing with your life. Don't hide behind your gays. Don't use them as a crutch. Instead, face life fabulously together.

Don't ask "So are you the guy or the girl?" Do ask about gay sex.

Don't laugh! This happens more often than you think. At some point, you're going to start becoming interested in how this whole gay sex thing happens and despite everything the Japanese manga industry has told you, it's not all longing gazes and hand-holding. Believe it or not, most gays are shy about talking about their sex lives, at least with straight people. This is because, for the most part, the heterosexual world considers what we do gross and icky. Taking an active interest in your gays sex life will show them that you're actually interested in them. On a related note, feel free to ask them about gay rights and gay causes. Don't just tell them you agree with them, but ask their opinion. It's a two-way street girlfriend. It is totally okay to ask if they're a top or a bottom, though. Just don't laugh when they say they're a top.

If he drags you to a gay bar, drag him to a straight one.

Another dirty little secret about your gay BFF: The reason he drags you out to gay bars is to get laid. As previously mentioned, gays are just as bad as straights when it comes to dating and hooking-up and having you by his side takes off a lot of the pressure. Just as he's your emotional safety net, at a gay bar, you are his rejection safety net. You're also a convenient conversation starter: "Oh, yeah, this is Dana. I thought I'd take her out and show her how the gay half lives!" You're someone who can vouch for the fact that he's not a psycho without looking like competition.

This is great and all, but you need to make sure there's some parity. Use your gay boy to get you some straight tail. Promise him a night of breeder fun and hold him to it. The best way to lure a gay out on a straight night is say you want to start off at Hooters. As we've mentioned many times before on this blog, Hooters is gay catnip. We don't know why, but seriously, just thinking about Hooters makes me want to call up The Hostess for hot wings. Once you have them out, drag them to a straight bar, point out men you're into and use them as props.

Now, here's how this works for both of you. At some point in the night your gay is going to meet a man or you are. You need to have a signal for each other which means, "I am ready to get laid now. Time to go." If you think this is mean or unfair, just imagine you've met a really cute guy at a bar, you're getting along famously and your gay friend is there, talking about the latest Daft Punk album. Remember, the key to a healthy straight-gay relationship is to be having sex with people who will have sex with you. Never let that trump your desire for emotional snuggle time.

Don't make your boyfriend hang out with your gay. If you're a straight dude, please don't assume we want to sleep with you.

Congratulations! You've followed all our advice and instead of developing a tragic codependency with your gay, you've both found boyfriends are maintaining a healthy friendship. Now, do your straight lover a favor and don't insist that he become BFF's with your gay, too. If it happens, let it happen, but as many a Craigslist rant attests to, straight guys don't like competition, even if it's from gay dudes.

And now a word for the straight guys: We don't want to sleep with you. Now, because we're guys, we know that underneath that macho exterior, there's a insecure guy constantly craving validation. But it's amazing that no matter how unattractive, unshaven or slovenly they are, every straight guy I've known for any length of time has admitted that he assumes I am secretly into them. What's worse is that they're crestfallen when I say, "Sorry, you're not my type." Yes, some of you guys are really hot, but for the most part, our desire not to get beaten up and killed trumps whatever desire we have to make a move on you. Now, if you start reciprocating, all bets are off, but so long as you don't want to sleep with us, we're probably not going to try to sleep with you.

Because you know another gay person, do not assume that they will make the perfect boyfriend for your gay BFF.

You know what happens when you set us up on a date with the other gay you know? We go for dinner at a mid-scale restaurant and talk about you the whole time. We smile politely at each other and go our separate ways. Why? There's nothing so unsexy as being set-up by our straight BFF.

Source: Queerty, The Care and Feeding of Your Homosexual: A User's Guide for Straights; Photo: IHJ

The Loneliest Places

30 October 2005

'My experience on Jarhead was lifechanging,' says Jake Gyllenhaal. 'Because I've worked with directors a lot who thought I was a certain thing and fit me into that box, you know. And Sam wasn't like that at all. And Ang is, though I hate the word, an auteur. The last two movies I shot, though I didn't know it at the time, were really about loneliness - and what you find in the loneliest of places. Plains and mountains that go on forever, deserts that are hot and dry with nothing growing ... and go on forever. That's why I gravitated toward them, I suppose.

'Some movies you fall a step behind,' he adds, 'and some you stay in the same place, make the same choices. And then sometimes there are people who know more than you but show you, and that's the maximum you can hope for - doing that with someone who says, "I like you for what you are, and I want you to be in my picture." I didn't have to fake it or put on a mask - all the resources I had inside me were more than adequate. I don't want to pretend to be something ... I'm not pretending any more to fit somebody's mould. That's a longwinded statement but - why not do what you really think, even if it's a mistake?'

Source: Jake's progress, guardian.co.uk

Beard or Bust!

If you are really Master of your Fate, it shouldn't make any difference to you whether Cleopatra or the Bearded Lady is your mate.
- Ogden Nash

I never had long hair before I got busted. I never had a beard before I got busted.
- Charles Manson

If the beard were all, goats could preach.
- Danish proverb

You can't grow a beard if you shave.
- Bob Blue

NO! Not the beard!
- Lord of The Rings

In Hollywood, you can keep a mistress, or a boyfriend, maybe both. You can go gay, bi, or pan-sexual. Just don't tell anybody, and don't get caught.
- Rock Hudson

Romeo and Romeo

February 2, 2009

Dear Ted:
Is Grey Goose George Clooney? Love you, love your column!
—Mross

Dear Goose Goss:
Toothy wishes. Really, I think he does.


Dear Ted:
Did you watch Prayers for Bobby? I thought it was a wonderful movie with a powerful message, and it's great that Lifetime airs it, as it'll reach the people who need to see it the most. Sigourney Weaver was amazing, and I love Austin Nichols. It's nice to see you talking about him lately, and I hope you talk about him more. He is talented and dreamy.
—Melanie

Dear Fantasy Land:
Wow-friggin'-woo, is Nichols ever taking part in risqué subject matter lately, this is so intriguing. New, daring leaf?


Dear Ted:
Is Baby Tile old enough to talk? Should Toothy Tile be worried about what he might say to people?
—Vicky

Dear Tattle Tooth:
Yes, very. Consider it a Daddy Fearest in the making.


Dear Ted:
Just to start setting a Valentine's Day mood, I'd like to ask you, what is, in your opinion, the greatest love story in today's Hollywood? Is it Toothy Tile and Gray Goose's endless, complex, beautiful and ever-forgiving love story?
—Miranda

Dear Unrequited Love:
Are you kidding? Toothy's tale is more like Hom-e-o and Juliet—there's nothing great about it. Expect an equally bitter and potentially tragic ending, too. At this point, I'd go with Ellen and Portia.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth

Photo by Howard Roffman