Saturday, 4 October 2008

Friends with PR Benefits

September 18, 2008

Dear Ted:
We get it, Jen Garner sucks. Onto more important things... Toothy Tile! Could you please run down the "And it's not..." list for me. After all this time, I am getting hazy on the Un-Toothy Tiles. My guess for T2... Matthew Broderick.
—Jen, Iowa

Dear Too Much Toothy:
Toothy's much sneakier than lame-ass Broderick. As for the list, check out the Internet. I do believe someone out there's been keeping track.

Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile Viggo Mortensen? You mentioned Lord of the Rings in one of your responses about a Toothy Tile guess.

Dear Connection Failed:
Not the Lord of the Homo we're looking for dear, sorry. Think younger, less real-life brawny.

Dear Ted:
Love the new format—Monday mornings not so much, the yellow hurts my eyes. Toothy Tile has to be Matthew McConaughey. He has that "trying too hard" macho vibe. And the baby mama was a pragmatic career move.
—Groutless in Toronto

Dear Macho, Macho Matt:
Matt's more Hickville than Gayville, sorry. But at least he's not Toothy, I'll say that much.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth

September 23, 2008

Dear Ted:
Kindly please replace your word of retard to peabrain or D.D. (Delbert Dumbutt) or something that is decidedly less targeted to a group of people who already got the shaft in life; the mentally retarded. I love you, baby! I'm just defensive about the term since my son is high-functioning autistic. Now get a move on with some serious gossip. BTW, is Hillary Clinton Toothy Tile? Thought I'd have some fun today!

Dear PC:
Noted, but don't go too Tropic Thunder on my ass and take it with a little bit of humor (I get your point, though), just as I am with your BV guess. It's good for the chuckles, but Hil ain't your man.

Dear Ted:
Does Toothy Tile know he's Toothy Tile in your Blind Vices? I've always heard that people in celebrity camps scroll blog sites (just to make sure they're getting talked about, of course). Just wondering if his people have figured out you're talking about him.

Dear Eavesdrop:
Toothy knows, alright. That's why he loves to do his out-me mamba all across T-town.

Dear Ted:
You mention that Colin Farrell has been in a "family twister" Blind Vice and that Toothy Tile is "less brawny in real life." You also have said that there is a Baby Tile, and Colin has a kid, does he not? Is he Toothy?
—AJ in Columbus

Dear Jigsaw Jumbler:
It sounds good on paper. But in reality, C.F. is as hetero and horny as they come.

Dear Ted:
Are the And It Ain't choices (1) always (2) sometimes or (3) never themselves the subjects of other Blind Vices?

Dear Multiple Fess:
There is a golden ding showering you behind Door No. 2, darling!

Dear Ted:
As much as I wish Toothy Tile was in actuality Sarah Palin's husband, I have convinced myself it is Hugh Jackman. Yay or Nay?

Dear Wishful Thinking:
Nay. Almost, but not quite.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth

September 25, 2008

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile is Jennifer Garner. Enjoy your column...can't agree with you on your politics. God bless America and God bless you!

Dear Kinda Kindred:
Glad we can agree to disagree—par-tick on the testy J.G. being Toothy. She wishes she were that interesting!

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth

September 26, 2008

Dear Ted:
Are Clay Aiken and his baby son Toothy's boyfriend Gray Goose and Baby Tile?

Dear Too Obvious:
Toothy's lover isn't coming out anytime soon.

Dear Ted:
Now that Sophia Bush is single and working on One Tree Hill with three of her ex-boyfriends, Chad Michael Murray, James Lafferty and Austin Nichols, do you think she will start dating one of them again? I hope she goes for Austin. I liked them together.

Dear Ex Factor:
CMM is out, fer sure. He can maybe hope for some hate sex, but that's it. I think Bush should even the scoreboard and go for Benji Madden. Thoughts?

Dear Ted:
Could you tell us more about Toothy's boyfriend? He is half of the most intriguing and beautiful Hollywood gay closeted couple and the other daddy of Baby Tile. Don't you think he deserves more attention from you?

Dear Man Hunt:
No, but his abs surely do.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth

September 30, 2008

Dear Ted:
I called in sick today and said I was deficient in my Vitamin T—OK, that was cheesy, but I think I deserve for this question to be printed since I risked my livelihood over it! Have you and Mr. Tile ever done the nasty (prehubby, of course!)? I reread some entries and you two sure seemed a little flirty a couple of years ago. And, who is hotter, Toothy or his BF? Is Mario Lopez his lover?

Dear Bedroom Boinked:
In order: No. Yes. Neither, I like men, not little beautiful boys who still retain a tad of privileged baby fat. No.

Dear Ted:
Recently you said 1 in 10 people in Hollywood were straight. You must be including behind-the-scenes creative folks, agents, producers, etc. In terms of actors/actresses, what is the percentage that is straight?
—Cupcake in Cincinnati

Dear Left Brain:
One in 25. Make that 100.

Dear Ted:
OK, so Clay is gay. Big whoop...file that reveal under No Merde. Quick question, though…Has Clay ever been a subject of one of your Blind Vices? If yes, which one? And yes, I know he's not Toothy Tile.

Dear Aching for Aiken:
Clay is far too dull for our sexy Vice archives.

Dear Ted:
The mags have been pushing the Reese-Jake romance for over a year now, but neither will confirm or deny the rumors. What’s the big secret?
—Mallory, Conn.

Dear Cladestine Couple:
Those two are just friends with benefits. The benefits, of course, meaning publicity.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth

October 1, 2008

Dear Ted:
I'm wondering if Toothy Tile is Jason Lee?
—Melanie Lyle

Dear Det. Closet:
Right look, wrong dude. But there's certainly a common thread here, doll-babe, at least 'tude wise.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth

October 2, 2008

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile is Mario Lopez because of his toothy grin, dimples, fab shape, perfect abs, consistent seemingly gal-chasing ways, and hanging out with BFF so often but that easily jealous husband of BFF is never jealous of Mario. That's the biggest giveaway. Right, Ted?
—Markie from Cincinnati

Dear Access Denied:
Toothy isn't C-list, darling.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth