Toothy Tile Archive - Part 2

Complete Toothy Tile Archive

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth

Click for Part 1:
Toothy Tile Archive: March 5, 2005 - August 29, 2008

This is Part 2:
Toothy Tile blind items: September 2, 2008 - October 21, 2008
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September 2, 2008

Dear Ted:
After delving deeper in your articles and in others on other websites, I've come to a horrible conclusion — sure hope I'm 100 percent wrong — but is Toothy Tile Ben Affleck?
—strayerch240

Dear Spin Jen:
Oh, wouldn't that just give J.G. a kick in her softer spots, which, of course, don't exist, so what the ef are we talking about? Right age and acting oeuvre, wrong dude.
***

September 4, 2008

Dear Ted:
Is Baby Tile human or animal?
—C.L. in Pa.

Dear Little of Both:
As human as something can be in this town.


Dear Ted:
I just had an epiphany...is Toothy Tile Liev Schreiber? Baby on the way, same age as Affleck. Come on, it's killing me not to know.
—Gillian

Dear Too Close for Toothy's Comfort:
Not exactly. Actually, not at all. But L and the real Tooth do have so much in common, true.
***


September 5, 2008

One Boyishly Bothered Blind Vice

Isn't it interesting Lloyd Boy-Toyed is undertaking his latest media campaign to fight off rumors about everything under the tabloid sun—every topic save the one he wants to get out: that he sometimes likes young dudes in bed. Not Michael Jackson-style, mind you, but he sometimes likes 'em young. And to keep quiet. And you know what that means, doncha girlfriends? Occasionally Mr. Boy-Toyed's gotta give 'em the green. What a cold, hard, cashed-out town this can be, huh?

Let's see, Lloyd's busy mouthing off about his nasty battles with most everybody in the Biz, not to mention his more cherished (and known) companions and relatives. He appears to be a total crank-a-thon, really, but don't believe it for a sec. Oh, some of it's real, that's fer sure, but it's mostly for show, I assure you.

I have firsthand knowledge of Lloyd's more cunning agendas—not to mention the ones he prefers to get underway under the covers. Don't ask me how. I can't tell! I'm a married man now! I would never embark on something as nasty as tattling 'tween the sheets when I've got a superhoney at home. Quite the opposite of how Lloyd goes about things, trust.

Really, though, as sloppy as Lloyd's getting in the attempting-to-score department, he's gonna be out long before our beloved Toothy Tile, I assure you. Oh, and Lloyd-baby, I don't care, really. But, your blind-as-merde fans sure will. I say screw it, already! (Like you have so many guys.)

And It Ain't: Matthew Perry, David Duchovny, Kanye West
***


September 5, 2008

Spider-Man 4: Tobey Not a Lock — Yet?

Call it the battle of the contractual web weavers. Tobey Maguire's very interested in doing the next Spider-Man sequel, sure, and now there's word today that the deal is done. Not true at all, blab several top sources on the project, who say the news about Spidey 4—and maybe 5—is jumping the gun.

These film insiders insist that the Tobey sealed-up talk is "premature," though it does look like Maguire is headed toward putting on that sexy suit again. Tobe-doll made roughly $17 mil on the last flick alone, minimum, right? What idiot wouldn't for that kind of loot?

Here's how it's going down:

Maguire's very much into the gig and has done three flicks so far in the franchise that's made, what, 2 or 3 billion bucks worldwide? Yep. But as happened before, negotiations for Maguire's participation in the Sam Raimi series have been, uh, challenging. “He is not the pleasant person to deal with,” insisted a knowledgeable contractual-type most familiar with Maguire’s past Spidey goings-down.

Word, whether accurate or not, is being put out that Sony just might not be interested in retaining Mr. M's involvement, should he take too long in deciding if his poker-playing butt wants to stay with the Spidey family or not.

Then, wham! This silken-spun spittle today that Maguire's all scared and a "lock" on the pic. Not so, gab my blabbers. Also, sources at Sony confirmed Maguire is by no means a lock yet. Additionally, a rep for Sony screamed bloody spidey bites that the studio has never looked at another actor besides Maguire for the lead.

Too bad. Always wanted to see how Tobey bud Jake Gyllenhaal's ass would look in that getup, but then, that's another item, isn't it?
***


September 9, 2008

Dear Ted:
I have read all your Toothy Tile items and I know who he is. My guess, and I know no one has guessed, is Channing Tatum. He has to be. I also want to throw in Emile Hirsch and Chris Evans just in case.
—Carson

Dear Three in One:
What's Baby Tile, chopped gossip? Negative on all three, but right age group.
***


September 10, 2008

Dear Ted:
You are so sassy! I knew Toothy Tile was Matthew McConaughey. And then you gave it away stating that Liev Schrieber and Toothy have a much in common...duh, like Liev scrambled is Levi, Matthew's new baby. Seriously! Brilliant. I'm a Republican, through and through...but honestly Ted, I think we would be great buddies. Why can't elephants and donkeys just get along? I adore you.
—J. Strauss

Dear Jungle Joneser:
Why does everybody in the world think M.M. is T.T.? (He's not.) I simply find that fascinating. Adore you back!


Dear Ted:
I absolutely can't stand the format and color of the AT site now. I know, I know, I know you don't care, you're past it...but anyone who's says they like it is just sucking up to you big-time. On another item, in your experienced estimation, what's the ratio of heteros to gays/lesbians in Hollywood? Just so I won't be shocked the next time I read one of your columns.
—Kat

Dear Math Class:
1 in 10. Are straight, that is.


Dear Ted:
I love your column and even if you piss me off more often than not (especially when you badmouth Jennifer Aniston and Jen Garner), I just can't stop reading and following your work. I wish I knew how to quit ya! Is James Franco Toothy Tile?
—Lisa

Dear Toothy Tell All:
No, but dollmuff, you're so close more than a few fagolas in T-town are sweatin' plenty right about now. Nice detective work.
***


September 11, 2008

Mike and Matt to Play Swish Hitters

If you thought Mamma Mia was the campiest piece of cinema ever, the musical movie is gonna get some heavy competition in a few years. Steven Soderbergh is developing a biopic about Wladziu Valentino Liberace, and he’s handpicked Michael Douglas to play the pianist. This is big news for Mikey D., who hasn’t had a real hit as a leading man since S2’s Traffic eight years ago. Wife Cathy obvs pushed him to take the daring, flamboyant part, no doubt assuring her slightly older hubby she’d school him thoroughly on all things diva, entitled and uniformed.

But even more clever casting is Steve’s Ocean’s franchise power player Matt Damon to play Scott Thorson, the fella who sued Liberace in 1982 for palimony—$113 million worth. (He only ended up with $95 thou, but still...) Thorson claimed he was the dandy dude’s companion for five years, tho Lib-hon vehemently denied being a homosexual throughout his 67 years. So Toothy Tile of him, doncha think? Guess being cramped in the interior of a closet never goes out of style for some celebs, so sad. So predictable. So pathetic.
***


September 12, 2008

Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile Chad Michael Murray? Would you even tell us if we guessed correctly?
—cjpulvini

Dear Murray Mistake:
It ain't Murray—we'd have no problem giving Chad's bedroom habits away. Toothy's much juicier than some One Tree Hill chump.


Dear Ted:
You've kept the toothpaste cap on Toothy Tile's identity for too long! Toothy is like your "Who Shot J.R." of the digital age.
—Flicky

Dear Mystery Man:
We promise we won't pull a Dallas and make it all just a dream at the end of the A.T.'s run. Which ain't happening anytime soon, kiddos, worry not.


Dear Ted:
I love that you print all those nasty letters. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be just a little insulted, yet you go and publish them to the world. Nice. So, is Tobey M. our boy Toothy?
—niliyolin

Dear Blinded By the Bisexuality:
Thanks and no. Think prettier. Kinda right on the rest, though!
***


September 16, 2008

Dear Ted:
I think you are lovely and amazing. But why must you tease us so with the ongoing saga of Toothy Tile? Must we guess every actor in Hollywood until you have eliminated all but one? Since the answer is probably yes, I'll contribute a guess: Milo Ventimiglia. He went out with Alexis Bledel, and who better fits the description of "superannoyingly perfect" than the younger Gilmore? And Tile could be a contraction of "Twenty Miles," which his surname translates to. Alexis, Hayden P....With his tastes in beards, one could say Toothy has led astray the good girl, no?
—Jane, Australia

Dear S&M Wannabe:
Because torture is so delicious. And no on Milo, think even more famous a player.


Dear Ted:
Has Toothy curbed the public nooky sessions? Also, do his parents know he's gay?
—Angela

Dear Det. Debauched:
Yes and yes.
***


September 17, 2008

The Eyes Have It: Nicole Pumps, Vince Pumps More

Vince Vaughn, workin’ on his fitness in Griffith Park. Double V was up bright ‘n’ early on a sunny Hell-Ay Tuesday, hiking through Bronson Canyon. An actor up before lunchtime? Unheard of. Vincy-kins donned shorts and a sweaty tee (you expected something crisp, tight and Toothy-esque?). Jen's whatever-ex walked down the hill with some workout buds, wasn’t too outta breath, how fab. Good thing, too, since dude’s been livin’ on the softer side, lately—he could use the exercise. Do you remember when this guy actually had a jawline? Was divine! Almost as much as…
***


September 18, 2008

Dear Ted:
We get it, Jen Garner sucks. Onto more important things... Toothy Tile! Could you please run down the "And it's not..." list for me. After all this time, I am getting hazy on the Un-Toothy Tiles. My guess for T2... Matthew Broderick.
—Jen, Iowa

Dear Too Much Toothy:
Toothy's much sneakier than lame-ass Broderick. As for the list, check out the Internet. I do believe someone out there's been keeping track.


Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile Viggo Mortensen? You mentioned Lord of the Rings in one of your responses about a Toothy Tile guess.
—Cheryl

Dear Connection Failed:
Not the Lord of the Homo we're looking for dear, sorry. Think younger, less real-life brawny.


Dear Ted:
Love the new format—Monday mornings not so much, the yellow hurts my eyes. Toothy Tile has to be Matthew McConaughey. He has that "trying too hard" macho vibe. And the baby mama was a pragmatic career move.
—Groutless in Toronto

Dear Macho, Macho Matt:
Matt's more Hickville than Gayville, sorry. But at least he's not Toothy, I'll say that much.
***


September 23, 2008

Dear Ted:
Kindly please replace your word of retard to peabrain or D.D. (Delbert Dumbutt) or something that is decidedly less targeted to a group of people who already got the shaft in life; the mentally retarded. I love you, baby! I'm just defensive about the term since my son is high-functioning autistic. Now get a move on with some serious gossip. BTW, is Hillary Clinton Toothy Tile? Thought I'd have some fun today!
—Mckinn

Dear PC:
Noted, but don't go too Tropic Thunder on my ass and take it with a little bit of humor (I get your point, though), just as I am with your BV guess. It's good for the chuckles, but Hil ain't your man.


Dear Ted:
Does Toothy Tile know he's Toothy Tile in your Blind Vices? I've always heard that people in celebrity camps scroll blog sites (just to make sure they're getting talked about, of course). Just wondering if his people have figured out you're talking about him.
—Brg4Eyes

Dear Eavesdrop:
Toothy knows, alright. That's why he loves to do his out-me mamba all across T-town.


Dear Ted:
You mention that Colin Farrell has been in a "family twister" Blind Vice and that Toothy Tile is "less brawny in real life." You also have said that there is a Baby Tile, and Colin has a kid, does he not? Is he Toothy?
—AJ in Columbus

Dear Jigsaw Jumbler:
It sounds good on paper. But in reality, C.F. is as hetero and horny as they come.


Dear Ted:
Are the And It Ain't choices (1) always (2) sometimes or (3) never themselves the subjects of other Blind Vices?
—Barb

Dear Multiple Fess:
There is a golden ding showering you behind Door No. 2, darling!


Dear Ted:
As much as I wish Toothy Tile was in actuality Sarah Palin's husband, I have convinced myself it is Hugh Jackman. Yay or Nay?
—Katy

Dear Wishful Thinking:
Nay. Almost, but not quite.
***


September 25, 2008

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile is Jennifer Garner. Enjoy your column...can't agree with you on your politics. God bless America and God bless you!
—Cha

Dear Kinda Kindred:
Glad we can agree to disagree—par-tick on the testy J.G. being Toothy. She wishes she were that interesting!
***


September 26, 2008

Dear Ted:
Are Clay Aiken and his baby son Toothy's boyfriend Gray Goose and Baby Tile?
—Jane

Dear Too Obvious:
Toothy's lover isn't coming out anytime soon.


Dear Ted:
Now that Sophia Bush is single and working on One Tree Hill with three of her ex-boyfriends, Chad Michael Murray, James Lafferty and Austin Nichols, do you think she will start dating one of them again? I hope she goes for Austin. I liked them together.
—Paula

Dear Ex Factor:
CMM is out, fer sure. He can maybe hope for some hate sex, but that's it. I think Bush should even the scoreboard and go for Benji Madden. Thoughts?


Dear Ted:
Could you tell us more about Toothy's boyfriend? He is half of the most intriguing and beautiful Hollywood gay closeted couple and the other daddy of Baby Tile. Don't you think he deserves more attention from you?
—April

Dear Man Hunt:
No, but his abs surely do.
***


September 30, 2008

Dear Ted:
I called in sick today and said I was deficient in my Vitamin T—OK, that was cheesy, but I think I deserve for this question to be printed since I risked my livelihood over it! Have you and Mr. Tile ever done the nasty (prehubby, of course!)? I reread some entries and you two sure seemed a little flirty a couple of years ago. And, who is hotter, Toothy or his BF? Is Mario Lopez his lover?
—Thrasher

Dear Bedroom Boinked:
In order: No. Yes. Neither, I like men, not little beautiful boys who still retain a tad of privileged baby fat. No.


Dear Ted:
Recently you said 1 in 10 people in Hollywood were straight. You must be including behind-the-scenes creative folks, agents, producers, etc. In terms of actors/actresses, what is the percentage that is straight?
—Cupcake in Cincinnati

Dear Left Brain:
One in 25. Make that 100.


Dear Ted:
OK, so Clay is gay. Big whoop...file that reveal under No Merde. Quick question, though…Has Clay ever been a subject of one of your Blind Vices? If yes, which one? And yes, I know he's not Toothy Tile.
—Jen

Dear Aching for Aiken:
Clay is far too dull for our sexy Vice archives.


Dear Ted:
The mags have been pushing the Reese-Jake romance for over a year now, but neither will confirm or deny the rumors. What’s the big secret?
—Mallory, Conn.

Dear Cladestine Couple:
Those two are just friends with benefits. The benefits, of course, meaning publicity.
***


October 1, 2008

Dear Ted:
I'm wondering if Toothy Tile is Jason Lee?
—Melanie Lyle

Dear Det. Closet:
Right look, wrong dude. But there's certainly a common thread here, doll-babe, at least 'tude wise.
***


October 2, 2008

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile is Mario Lopez because of his toothy grin, dimples, fab shape, perfect abs, consistent seemingly gal-chasing ways, and hanging out with BFF so often but that easily jealous husband of BFF is never jealous of Mario. That's the biggest giveaway. Right, Ted?
—Markie from Cincinnati

Dear Access Denied:
Toothy isn't C-list, darling.
***


October 7, 2008

Dear Ted:
You so often told us that Toothy Tile knows he's Toothy and that he's proud of it. What about Gray Goose, is he a proud one, too?
—Robert

Dear Smile Like You Mean It:
Hardly. Grimacing through it all.


Dear Ted:
Who is the most loving, sweetest and hottest hubby: Toothy's or yours? Is Baby Tile old enough to walk?
—Grace

Dear Tile-icious:
Mine. No.


Dear Ted:
If Jake and Reese are just PR buddies, then as far as I can tell, he hasn't dated anyone since he broke up with Kirsten Dunst back in 2005. Is he that picky?
—Jill, M.E.

Dear Dump or Dunst:
Maybe he didn't date KiKi, either.
***


October 11, 2008

Dear Ted:
Would you answer the million-dollar question: Is Toothy Tile gay or bisexual? How about Gray Goose? What is the real nature of Toothy's relationship with his beard?
—Mia

Dear Tricky Tooth:
You mean the one on his face or the one on his publicist’s speed dial? Gay as my vocabulary, darling. Ditto on the real love in Toothy’s life.


Dear Ted:
I have so many questions for you! Is Daniel Craig Toothy Tile? Is Obama going to win? Will Brad Pitt pull a Woody Allen and marry Zahara 18 years from now?
—Jenna K

Dear Lot to Handle:
No. Hopefully. Better not.


Dear Ted:
Does Toothy Tile's GF/beard know that he's T.T.? Or if not, that he's gay?
—Pat, Chicago

Dear Loose Goose:
Enough with Toothy! He’s not even that good of an actor, what’s all the damn fuss, already? And, of course, Toothy's woman knows he's Toothy, as well as his mattress persuasions, duh. She's been down this road before, think she'd be over the swinging studs by now, but whatever.


Dear Ted:
You're so jaded about celebrity relationships. You seem to think like there's an expiration date to these couplings.
—Dnnro

Dear Downer:
No worries, every day is Toothy Day here at A.T.!
***


October 16, 2008

Dear Ted:
Why is Toothy Tile bearding when he has a baby with his boyfriend? As much as I adore Family Tile, I think Gray Goose should take Baby Tile with him and leave Toothy. Enough is enough when manufacturing a fake image! The baby comes first and requires honesty. What do you think?
—Myla

Dear Honest Woman:
I think you know what I think. After all, your letter's first, isn't it?
***


October 21, 2008

Dear Ted:
I, too, am tired of the Toothy Tile game...but just out of curiosity, how many people have sent you an email correctly identifying him?
—SanFriskyBabe

Dear Ticking Tile:
A few.
***

Click for Part 1:
Toothy Tile Archive: March 5, 2005 - August 29, 2008