Saturday, 31 May 2008

Dr. Parnassus, Session Five

Feb 20, 2008

Q: Doctor Parnassus, where have you been?
Doctor Parnassus: Oh crumpet, I’ve been toiling in the vineyards of the bored. I was about to take a bath. You’ve caught me nudo rigido.
Q: Excusi! Doc, I know our sessions are meant to be about Jake, but I can’t seem to forget Heath.
Doctor Parnassus: Ah, the Romeo and Juliet of our time. Earth and air, yin and yang, 6 and 9. Despite their uncoupling by Mr Gyllenhaal, the cosmic duality endures, my sad friend. Each exists most fully in relationship to the other, revealing psychological context through patterns generated by their perpetual interplay. We must accept the paradox: opposite things can be simultaneously true.
Q: They are opposites?
Doctor Parnassus: As an expert in metaphysico-theologico-cosmolonigology, I can authoritatively say, chalk and cheese, my dumpling.
Q: Is this why Jake has abandoned Heath?
Doctor Parnassus: Sweet pea, don’t be bitter. It takes loose reins to keep love tight! Cold is hot. Silence speaks.
Q: We’ve been over this ground many times before. William Shakespeare wrote, they do not love that do not show their love.
Doctor Parnassus: Well-quoted, little cabbage. But as genius actor Mr Danny Day-Lewis said about Mr Ledger (and it takes one to know one), “we wanted to follow him and yet we were afraid to follow him. He was perfect.” Argumentum ad Populum. My darling bachelor neighbor, Georgie Clooney, eloquently explained the stature of Mr Day-Lewis: "all actors bow to this f**ker." Ergo, with Mr Ledger placed in the pantheon by the Zeus thespian himself — well, who dare speak after God has spoken? Mr Ledger left his actorian fellows in awe of his virtuosity. Mr Gyllenhaal, bless his heart, left his fellows in lust. Dilemma of position.
Q: There’s no evidence that Jake even liked Heath.
Doctor Parnassus: As I said before, and I never repeat myself, you don’t see the air, yet we still breathe. Man is not an aquatic animal, yet we still swim. Of course, all generalizations are false.
Q: Doc, it’s hard to believe what you say has any basis in reality.
Doctor Parnassus: Darling infidel! Primo, reality is vastly overrated. Secondo, what we gain by truth is not worth that we lose in illusion. Terzo, if you wanted veracity, sugarbritches, you wouldn’t be here with me.
Q: Can we just talk about sex?
Doctor Parnassus: My clinical speculatum! I practice a lot on my own. The brain is really my second favorite organ. You know, the Archimedes’ principle supports the theory that a man immersed in the liquid of male love experiences an upward thrust equal to the weight of women he displaces.
Q: Must we be cryptic? You’re saying gay love can boost a career?
Doctor Parnassus: Mr Gyllenhaal once had a large gay following, but Jake ducked into a Roman alleyway and lost him.
Q: Now really —
Doctor Parnassus: Mr Moto says, man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day!
Q: Jake needs to be more…cocky?
Doctor Parnassus: Well, he chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like his: they were both mad about boys.
Q: Who isn't?
Doctor Parnassus: When heterosexuals warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned! Do not have sex with heterosexuals.
Q: Good night, Doctor P.
Doctor Parnassus: Sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

Source: Waiting for Toothy blog comments

Tuesday, 27 May 2008

PR is better than no PR

Dear Ted:
You said Reese and Jake were only a publicity stunt and, frankly, it looks like more than that. Lately you are always wrong! Maybe its time you change spies...

Dear Dumb-Butt:
I imagine you were convinced to become a Tom Cruise fan again, after his latest Oprah appearance.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth

Sunday, 25 May 2008

Dr. Parnassus, Session Four

Feb 14, 2008

Q: Doctor Parnassus, what is this 'love that dare not speak its name'?
Doctor Parnassus: That, my funny Valentine, is a phraseology from a 19th century poetical effort by my distant cousin, Lord Freddy "Turtleneck" Douglas. It referred to a deep spiritual affection between two confirmed bachelors. In our less tolerant times, it refers to a deep spiritual affection between two men who are not confirmed bachelors.
Q: Non-bachelors cannot speak about their love?
Doctor Parnassus: Oh baby ruth…as another distant relative of mine said, there's a river running underground, underneath the town towards the sea. You say you love flowers, yet you pluck them. You say you love trees, yet you cut them down. And you wonder why some are afraid to speak their love!
Q: Is this about Jake and Heath?
Doctor Parnassus: My little dove bar, love is like a box of bitter chocolates. The one that we cannot have 
is the one that lasts the longest, cuts the deepest, and feels the strongest. Yes, love lifts us up where we belong, where the eagles fly, on a mountain high! Yet love is also like pi — natural, irrational, and in the end, unspeakable.
Q: So Jake does admire Heath?
Doctor Parnassus: Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back?
Q: Heath didn’t seem to want worshipping.
Doctor Parnassus: Hero with feet of clay, oh earthbound angel, oh shining knight of darkest sorrow, Adonis with an Achilles heel, sweet prince with a bitter smile! Doth perfect beauty stand in need of praise at all?
Q: Doc, you look flushed, are you all right?
Doctor Parnassus: Forgive me. I have a psychosomatic reaction to true religion.
Q: Since we’re on the topic of love…what about Jake’s bachelor friend Austin. Why is he out of the picture?
Doctor Parnassus: Cara caramello, I think the show had poor ratings.
Q: No, why is he never seen with Jake anymore?
Doctor Parnassus: As Mr Brando once advised Mr Rock Hudson, "you cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom."
Q: What?
Doctor Parnassus: As the Chinaman says, "man who eats prunes, gets good run for money."
Q: I’m not following. Are you saying it’s a career move?
Doctor Parnassus: Dear turkish delight, your naivete is delicious.
Q: But…is Jake really into that woman?
Doctor Parnassus: The last time my client was inside a woman was when he went to the Statue of Liberty.
Q: Hmmm. Back to Heath. Jake can never speak of him?
Doctor Parnassus: As Sir Ang Lee once told me, Mr Gyllenhaal is the meandering river, Mr Ledger the bottomless ocean. The river knows not its depth until it reaches the ocean.
Q: You mean denial ain't just a river in Egypt?
Doctor Parnassus: Oi, reese's peanut butter cup! Mr Gyllenhaal has an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. Yet while we always love those who admire us, we do not always love those whom we admire.
Q: I am more confused than ever.
Doctor Parnassus: Butterfinger, you must be in love.

Source: Waiting for Toothy blog comments

Tuesday, 20 May 2008

Dr. Parnassus, Session Three

Feb 12, 2008

Q: Doctor Parnassus, can we talk Ted?
Doctor Parnassus: Despite my commodious competence with languages, Tedspeak is a derivative dialect of interrrelated involvedness and exaggerated enigmatic implication that is difficult to deconstruct into actual —
Q: I mean, why won’t Ted unmask Toothy Tile?
Doctor Parnassus: Oh lambkin. Would Classic Coke reveal its formula? Would a hairdryer blow without its motor? Would primates fly out of my —
Q: He’s pretty much said it’s Jake Gyllenhaal, but some still don’t believe.
Doctor Parnassus: Belief is over-rated, my pet. Disbelief is what matters.
Q: So we shouldn’t believe that Jake is Toothy?
Doctor Parnassus: No, you should disbelieve that he isn’t.
Q: Ah. So how do you explain the girlfriend?
Doctor Parnassus: In standard Myers-Briggs testing, Ms R exhibited maladaptive control issues coupled with elements of Doris Day Derangement Syndrome (DDDS). This first manifests itself in acute-onset PDA, usually with additional exhibitionism at key junctures in professional life —
Q: What I meant was, why does Toothy have a girlfriend?
Doctor Parnassus: Toothiness is not next to godliness, dear kumquat! And you do know that boring sex is pornoliscious, don't you? Dull is exciting, safety is danger! Yes, conflicted individual mental processes hunger to explore the full range and subtlety of human experience. It’s also called research.
Q: Moving on…I know this is crazy, but Ted seems to hate Heath.
Doctor Parnassus: First, “crazy” is a meaningless terminology that I categorically expunge from my lexical semantics. Second, during neuro-linguistic programming sessions with me, Theodore-Bruce — let's leave his dissociative identity disorder for another discussion, shall we — revealed his true emotions for Mr Ledger and, I assure you, they were quite wet.
Q: Then why give Jake a pass on paying respects to Heath?
Doctor Parnassus: Sweet pickle, ever heard about reverse psychology? I tried it on myself once and it made me kiss a woman.

Source: Waiting for Toothy blog comments


Dear Ted:
Your One Karma-Killin' Blind Vice about Butch Spit-Spat and his underage son "dating" the older woman came out in TMZ. Butch is Billy Bob Thornton; poor kid is his son. Awesome reporting—you beat the authorities by a month. Hopefully, the LAPD will subscribe to your site!
Greensboro, N.C.

Dear Goss Gal:
Now, if only TMZ could help all of you reveal that pesky Toothy Tile.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth

Sunday, 11 May 2008

Dr. Parnassus, Sessions One & Two

Yesterday someone paged Dr. Parnassus and made me want to read his comments again. I've decided to repost them here – they are too good to be left hidden.

Feb 10, 2008

Q: Doctor Parnassus, why did Heath Ledger die?
Doctor Parnassus: My child, he died so his family could exploit his death for their own aggrandizement.
Q: And is Heath a bad man?
Doctor Parnassus: Oh yes. Seeking to avoid pain by using artificial aids is a sign of unremitting wickedness. Mr Ledger was feeling anxious and blue, so his doctor gave him Valium and Xanax. The Xanax disrupted his sleep, so he was prescribed Restoril. It didn't work so well and he was having headaches, so he took ibuproferen for the pain. Then he got a cold after working long nights, so he took some antihistamine. I wouldn’t be surprised if he drank wine regularly as well. It’s not human weakness, it’s simply evil. Tom Cruise agrees with me on this.
Q: So why did Cate Blanchett give a eulogy at his funeral?
Doctor Parnassus: CAA made her step in after one of their other clients dropped out.
Q: But why did Daniel-Day Lewis, one of our great actors, say admiring things about Heath?
Doctor Parnassus: Sentimental Anglo-Irish, you know. Plus self-aggrandizement.
Q: Doc, it’s coming clear. Heath was no good and everyone who paid tribute to him was faking or selfish.
Doctor Parnassus: Exactamundo, dear one.
Q: Family and mother of his child, too?
Doctor Parnassus: See my first answer.
Q: Jake Gyllenhaal didn’t pay tribute so…he’s the only non-phony. And unselfish?
Doctor Parnassus: One of my interesting cases. On this, he is a paragon of perfection, my sweet. He stayed silent as the grave (no pun intended!), avoided the spotlight (except in appropriate places such as People magazine), and kept shooting his movie (work comes first) and living his life with Ms Reese (another client of mine). I’m quite impressed with the boy.
Q: Now that you’ve explained it all, me too.

Source: Waiting for Toothy blog comments


Feb 11, 2008

Q: Doctor Parnassus, why do the haters keeping hatin’ on Jake?
Doctor Parnassus: Oh my pumpkin, the homosexualistas love to devour their own.
Q: Jake is gay?
Doctor Parnassus: Hellooo! He is one of the most cheerful people I know!
Q: But I mean, why knock him for being public with the girlfriend and private with the dead friend?
Doctor Parnassus: These kvetchers are confused people who think inconsistency is bad. Inconsistency is good! PDA with Ms Reese but no display for Mr Heath is actually a sign of solidarity with all those dedicated to living lives of integration and wholeness.
Q: Hmmm. Doesn’t it suggest the maturity of a 6-year-old?
Doctor Parnassus: Not at all. I would say that people who speak out are immature. Mr Daniel Lewis is six.
Q: But about the haters…
Doctor Parnassus: Irrational need for integrity. Integrity is the last refuge of the insincere. You know, the good end happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what fiction means.
Q: You’ve lost me.
Doctor Parnassus: Ok, how about this? Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
Q: You mean forgive the Jake haters?
Doctor Parnassus: No, I mean forgive the Heath lovers. They’ll hate that.

Source: Waiting for Toothy blog comments


May 13, 2008

Dear Becky:
As Ted isn't giving us so much as a bone lately, what do you know about Toothy? Anything?

Dear Smiley Secret:
I know enough not to give away his identity while Ted’s gone.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth

Tuesday, 6 May 2008

Gay Power in Numbers

"Whether you love him or hate him, there's no denying that Perez Hilton - aka Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr. - has Hollywood by the balls with his constantly updated, hilarious and often vicious celebrity-gossip blog,

MW: Didn't you tell Howard Stern the blog originally had something to do with Clay Aiken?
Hilton: Well that's the reason I stopped using my [real] name: I started getting death threats from Clay Aiken fans.

MW: Serious death threats?
Hilton: Serious to the point where they started two hate Web sites against me. They put up my home address, my home phone number, [and] a picture of my apartment building. That's pretty hardcore, I would say.

MW: What were you saying about Clay Aiken that set them off?
Hilton: Just that he's gay. He's repeatedly denied it.

MW: Why do you think it's okay to out people?
Hilton: Because I'm not doing anything differently than what you do with your friends. I'm sure when you talk to your friends, and when you talk about Clay Aiken, you talk about his being a big queen.

I view the Web site like I'm talking to my friends. I'm not making anything up. And also, I only like to say someone is definitely gay when I know that they definitely are. I probably was the first person to talk about Wentworth Miller being gay, and that's because he is. He's denied it, but that's okay. His ex-boyfriend, Luke Macfarlane, just came out of the closet.

MW: Why is it so important to you?
Hilton: There's definitely power in numbers. And also the more there are being openly gay, the less of a stigma is attached to being openly gay and the less fear there is around it.

There are so many closeted lesbian and gay actors and celebrities -- and most of them are afraid to come out because they're afraid it's going to hurt their careers. I don't believe that. I don't think it's going to hurt their careers. I know that it's not going to hurt their careers. In the past it may have been a different story, but I can't think of a single case in the last five years where someone has come out of the closet and it's hurt their career. In fact, it helps."

Source: Article Gossip Whirl from Metro Weekly

Friday, 2 May 2008

He’s A Fox

Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile's boyfriend a goose or a fish?
Brenda Sue
Sunset Beach, Calif.

Dear Neither:
He’s a fox.

Dear Ted:
Oh, please! You must start using warning signs when you conjure up visual images such as this one: "Jake Gyllenhaal used to strut and stretch right next to Patrick Dempsey, me and Tobey Maguire, all at the same pumping station." What are you trying to do, give your readers heart palpitations or something similar a little lower down? Made my day!
New York City

Dear Gym Bunnies:
No prob, and feel free to write up some fan fiction of the four of us fellas, makes great reading material (and more).

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth