Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Toothy Tile Forever

September 9, 2008

Dear Ted:
I have read all your Toothy Tile items and I know who he is. My guess, and I know no one has guessed, is Channing Tatum. He has to be. I also want to throw in Emile Hirsch and Chris Evans just in case.
—Carson

Dear Three in One:
What's Baby Tile, chopped gossip? Negative on all three, but right age group.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth
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September 10, 2008

Dear Ted:
You are so sassy! I knew Toothy Tile was Matthew McConaughey. And then you gave it away stating that Liev Schrieber and Toothy have a much in common...duh, like Liev scrambled is Levi, Matthew's new baby. Seriously! Brilliant. I'm a Republican, through and through...but honestly Ted, I think we would be great buddies. Why can't elephants and donkeys just get along? I adore you.
—J. Strauss

Dear Jungle Joneser:
Why does everybody in the world think M.M. is T.T.? (He's not.) I simply find that fascinating. Adore you back!


Dear Ted:
I absolutely can't stand the format and color of the AT site now. I know, I know, I know you don't care, you're past it...but anyone who's says they like it is just sucking up to you big-time. On another item, in your experienced estimation, what's the ratio of heteros to gays/lesbians in Hollywood? Just so I won't be shocked the next time I read one of your columns.
—Kat

Dear Math Class:
1 in 10. Are straight, that is.


Dear Ted:
I love your column and even if you piss me off more often than not (especially when you badmouth Jennifer Aniston and Jen Garner), I just can't stop reading and following your work. I wish I knew how to quit ya! Is James Franco Toothy Tile?
—Lisa

Dear Toothy Tell All:
No, but dollmuff, you're so close more than a few fagolas in T-town are sweatin' plenty right about now. Nice detective work.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth
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September 11, 2008

Truth, Lies and Ted

Episode: A bit of Phonyspoon

Ted Casablanca

September 12, 2008

Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile Chad Michael Murray? Would you even tell us if we guessed correctly?
—cjpulvini

Dear Murray Mistake:
It ain't Murray—we'd have no problem giving Chad's bedroom habits away. Toothy's much juicier than some One Tree Hill chump.


Dear Ted:
You've kept the toothpaste cap on Toothy Tile's identity for too long! Toothy is like your "Who Shot J.R." of the digital age.
—Flicky

Dear Mystery Man:
We promise we won't pull a Dallas and make it all just a dream at the end of the A.T.'s run. Which ain't happening anytime soon, kiddos, worry not.


Dear Ted:
I love that you print all those nasty letters. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be just a little insulted, yet you go and publish them to the world. Nice. So, is Tobey M. our boy Toothy?
—niliyolin

Dear Blinded By the Bisexuality:
Thanks and no. Think prettier. Kinda right on the rest, though!

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth
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September 16, 2008

Dear Ted:
I think you are lovely and amazing. But why must you tease us so with the ongoing saga of Toothy Tile? Must we guess every actor in Hollywood until you have eliminated all but one? Since the answer is probably yes, I'll contribute a guess: Milo Ventimiglia. He went out with Alexis Bledel, and who better fits the description of "superannoyingly perfect" than the younger Gilmore? And Tile could be a contraction of "Twenty Miles," which his surname translates to. Alexis, Hayden P....With his tastes in beards, one could say Toothy has led astray the good girl, no?
—Jane, Australia

Dear S&M Wannabe:
Because torture is so delicious. And no on Milo, think even more famous a player.


Dear Ted:
Has Toothy curbed the public nooky sessions? Also, do his parents know he's gay?
—Angela

Dear Det. Debauched:
Yes and yes.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth