Saturday, 28 June 2008

Hot for Girls, Gross for Guys

Female stars, including Angelina Jolie and Drew Barrymore, have revealed past relationships with women and haven't seen their careers hurt in the least because of it. But among male actors, owning up to experimentation is all but verboten. Why the double standard?

"I'm not sure what that's based on anymore, other than the idea that leading men have to be virile and masculine in order for them to be viable for big roles," said Corey Scholibo, arts and entertainment editor of The Advocate. "For women, it seems that women and, of course, men will still accept them if they admit to experimentation in the past." …

But the fact that actresses seem able to reveal bisexuality without negative repercussions may not point to acceptance as much as society's desire to see them, first and foremost, as sex objects.

"It's great that women have more flexibility to experience those relationships without being penalized, but I think it's because women are taken less seriously in general," said Jennifer Baumgardner, author of "Look Both Ways: Bisexual Politics." "It's like, 'So what if they were fooling around?' When two men who were thought to be straight have sex, it's perceived as more serious."

Maybe that's why so few men in Hollywood are willing to talk about experimenting with other guys. Alan Cumming is the only major actor to call himself bisexual, but with his scrawny stature and preference for theater and indie flicks, he was classified as eccentric long before talking about his sexuality.

While E! online gossip columnist Ted Casablanca claims male actors "absolutely" fool around with the same sex as much as their female counterparts, he doubts he'll see a day when a hunky, A-list, alpha-male -- a Jake Gyllenhaal (who made waves when he starred as a gay cowboy in "Brokeback Mountain") or a Chace Crawford (the "Gossip Girl" pretty boy rumored to be gay) -- talks about it publicly.

"The public just doesn't know about it. It's still Hollywood's biggest, dirtiest secret -- absolutely always will be," Casablanca said. "The business is built on fantasy. If Joe is talking about how he likes to go around with Kenny, it doesn't work. But if Jenny wants to talk about getting it on with Katie, it sells tickets."

Casting directors and network executives contacted for this story were reluctant to talk about how the employability of actors, male and female, changes when they reveal they don't conform to the heterosexual norm. But while the bulk of bisexual Hollywood may still be in the closet, many gay actors have come out in recent years and haven't hurt their careers because of it.

"We've had a spate of them recently: David Hyde Pierce, Lance Bass; Neil Patrick Harris came out and still has his role as a womanizing man on 'How I Met Your Mother,'" Scholibo said. "Anytime someone comes out and says, 'I'm going to keep doing what I'm going to do,' it opens up the door for the public to accept a new kind of gayness which encompasses every kind of representation. But whether they owe it to us, I don't know."

Source: ABC News, Bisexual in Hollywood: OK for Girls, Not Guys

Tuesday, 24 June 2008

Truth, Lies and Ted

Dear Ted:
Correct me if I'm wrong, but in your recent Truth, Lies, and Ted video, there are at least two comical clues as to why Jake and Reese will not be living passionately ever after. One clue was visual, the other verbal, but both reaffirmed your status as gossip's most clever columnist! Kudos!
Judy
Dover, N.H.

Dear Between the Lines:
Was that when I was cleaning out the cat litter?
***

Dear Ted:
Love the column, Ted! Especially Sex, Lies and Ted! Great to see you in the flesh again, baby. I've noticed a few let's say "dubious" pairings in H'wood. How many reasons are there for a phony romance? Particularly when it is a serial occurrence?
Silvia
New York City

Dear Repeat Offender:
First off, it’s Truth, Lies and Ted. Sex, Lies and Ted would be quite a different show, but glad to see where your mind is going. And faux-mances are all formed for one thing: publicity.
***

Dear Ted:
I think just about every man in Hollywood has been suggested for Toothy, so there is only one guy left: It’s gotta be Carrot Top! Please Tedly, tell us someday soon—I might be dead by the time you spill...
Margot
El Paso, Texas

Dear Not the Top:
Don’t insult the annals of this column’s beauty, darling, please.
***

Dear Ted:
Hold on there a minute, mister. What do you have against Illinois, the land of Lincoln? We have everything you've got if not better. So in the fashion of honest Abe, I expect you to answer this truthfully, to redeem yourself, as I know you're sorry for that tawdry remark: Is Toothy's hair dark or light?
Monika
Chicago

Dear Abe-l:
Somewhere in between, sorta like the truth. Calm down about Illinois, Oprah lives there, so I suppose you have half a point, at least.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth and The Awful Express newsletter

***

June 25, 2008

I Want Eye Candy
Two reality stars start up just as soon as one of them is about to hit the road, while Jake Gyllenhaal apparently gets choosy when it comes to personal (assistant) matters. ...

It's a Woman's World

As if Naomi Campbell wasn’t exacting enough, now we’ve got our darling Jakey Gyllenhaal being a tad pushy, too. It’s all so treacherous these days watching celeb-ville get more and more cantankerous. Did you know Mr. G is currently looking for a new assistant? Must be all those coffee and yoga dates with Reese-love—I’m sure they’re all hell to put together, those sweaty appointments. Help is needed by the dimpled dude!

But don’t bother applying if you’re a guy. Insiders knowledgeable with the star who’s dating the chick known for always buying two calendars (in case one gets too smudgy half way through the year), say Gyllenhaal is more interested in a female assistant. Doesn’t surprise moi, really, ‘cause everybody knows men gossip more than women. Known fact, babe-cakes.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth

Saturday, 21 June 2008

No, not Toothy Tile

The Boys of Sizzling Summer
OMMG! (That's Oh-My-Mystery-God!, babes), we've got yet another Toothy Tile in the works, how divinely hideous, so check out our sexually outrageous Blind Vice Friday.


Heavy Betting

Oh my, who's the latest closeted Hollywood star putting Toothy Tile's daring public nooky shenanigans to shame? Any guesses on Public Thrust, darlings, our newest boy who likes to do it while everyone watches? Clues comin' up!

June 19, 2008

One PDA Pooftah Blind Vice

No, not Toothy Tile. For a change. Ever since ol’ Tooth re-recommitted to Gray Goose and they got all hideously domesticated, our double-T seems to have lost his devotion to doing it in every open space he can manage. Like WeHo parking lots and the such. I mean, so many men just have sex the same way they pee, right? Let it fly (whatever the bodily liquid) wherever ya want! Morals be damned, a man’s gotta go—or go-go—when he’s gotta, right?

Right, squeals our latest boy wonder in the annals of Hollywood homosexual clandestine coupling. Dude’s name is Public Thrust. He’s a star of considerable rising proportions, is on some huge-ass projects. Huge. P.T.’s career is certainly humming along just fine, thanks much. And isn’t it fascinating, P.T.’s peeps, who supposedly have his best interests in mind, are doing their best to steer Mr. Thrust away from any gay projects that come dancing his way (‘cause, let’s face it, the guy looks as queer as my hair), all the while Public-babe is hitting some H-town parties that don’t exactly cater to the beer-and-football type o’ guys.

More specifically? Let’s just say that while Thrust’s managers and such are doing their best to keep their star out of anything remotely Brokeback Mountain-esque, P.T.’s performing, quite impressively, I must say, at some H'wood dos where doing each other is the point of the gathering. Orgies, gay ones—in case you’re having trouble reading my totally homo cryptospeak.

You know what this means, don’t you? It’s the same with Toothy. It’s the same with married men who cheat. It’s all about getting caught, in other words. Public, just like Tooth, wants to be found out. They desire to be out. But they just can’t seem to find the guts to do it. So they let their peckers do the walking, or talking, as it were.

Congrats on your Blind Vice badge of Honor, Public! Welcome to the chubby clubby!

And it ain't: Tom Welling, John Krasinksi, David Archuleta


Source: Ted Casablanca's The Blind Spot

Tuesday, 17 June 2008

xXx

Dear Ted:
I know you're tired of the Toothy Tile questions, but I think I have an answer: "Toothy" is Vin Diesel! Correct me if I'm wrong.
C.C.
Los Angeles

Dear Toothache:
You be wrong, too, hon-bun. Think less meaty.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth

***

June 18, 2008

Stretching It

Let’s have a moment of silence for the end of one of H’wood’s golden couples—shimmering, as far as their hair is concerned, anyway. Blondies Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe are officially and totally divorced as of this week, tho both parties really, in their hearts (and other sweaty locales), had jumped ship before they separated back in '06.

Both R&R appear more than okeydoke with the way things turned out—but we bet Reesikins has def been declared the winner in this battle of the exes. Ry’s got his poor-man’s Reese replacement, Aussie Abbie Cornish, while Witherbabe possesses two of the most coveted men in H’wood: Oscar and Jake Gyllenhaal. The Gyllenspork (are these verbal fusings making you puke as much as we are, yet?) guy ‘n’ gal are still going, against all odds, par-tick all over Hell-Ay. In fact, guess how the amour babes celebrated Reesie’s Big D? Romantic din din at Cut, full of love-nothing’s and well-done proclamations for each other? A night of naughty lovemaking up at the Madonna Inn? Nope.

Yoga. Yeah, R dragged her buff beau to a stretch class at Santa Monica’s YogaHop on a Saturday afternoon. Is this how the supposedly sexiest duo in T-town really breaks a sweat? Either that or she couldn’t stand a single second (or photo op) away from her fella. Our sly exercising source said the celebs, each with their own personal yoga mat, were supercute together, with R.W. keeping Jakey-boy as comfortable as possible for his first yoga class at this peaceful place.

The adorable dolls did their best downward-facing dogs and lotus poses without any PDAs and slipped out early, prolly to avoid the after-class crowd. Wouldn’t be surprised if the BFF babes hightailed it over to the mall for a facial and matching mani-pedi makeovers.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth

Friday, 13 June 2008

Hollywood's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'

For years, the entertainment industry has held a kind of celebrity "don't ask, don't tell" policy that keeps some stars in the closet and others open, but not flaunting their relationships in the institution of marriage.

For years, Hollywood publicists have guarded the secrets of their clients' sexuality, for fear it would kill them at the box office. Famously closeted stars included Rock Hudson, Merv Griffin and Paul Lynde. Many of today's stars -- Jodie Foster, Michelle Rodriguez and Clay Aiken, for example -- have been the subject of speculation on their sexual orientation.

Though some groups may threaten to boycott advertisers, "Anyone who has a problem with it will no doubt find themselves in an increasingly bitter minority," Musto said.

"There are moments in the history of any movement when the corner is turned," Geoff Kors, executive director of Equality California, a gay rights group, told the Washington Post. "This is it. This is the tipping point."

Ted Casablanca, a columnist for E! Online and a gay man who just "married" his partner in a civil union ceremony in Hawaii, agrees that public perception of same-sex couples goes up a "notch" when stars are legally able to marry.

"Wherever the notch is to legalize in society, it doesn't matter," Casablanca said. "It's one more notch and the more notches you get, we're a part of a culture that is less inflammatory and incendiary."

Though gay marriage will make no difference for DeGeneres' strong fan base, it could have a more shocking impact on those who are still in the closet, he said.

"If Tom Cruise said, 'Guess what? After all these years, I decided to be gay and get married,' that's hugely different," Casablanca said. DeGeneres and Takei are "the types of stars who can afford to do whatever they want with their reputation.

"For Ellen, it's not a risk of alienating her fan base," he said. "She's already so family-oriented and not a sexy, slinky broad out there. She's very domesticated and secure.

"These people have already made up their minds that she is one of them," he said. "She'll say, 'You're not going to believe what Portia did emptying the dishwasher last night.'"

That conventional tone is one of the reasons Casablanca has -- so far -- not thought about legally marrying his partner, though he admits he might consider it for financial reasons so the couple can file jointly on their taxes.

"I never wanted to get married, like my parents bickering all those years or like Britney," he said. "Our very nature [as gay men] used to be bucking the system. That's how we were raised."

Source: ABC News, DeGeneres and Takei Vow to Marry Partners

Tuesday, 10 June 2008

Phonyspoon

Dear Ted:
Thanks for the update on Jake and Reese (and I think it's Gyllenspoon instead of Githerspoon, though you know best!). But why are you the only one out there reporting that these two are a sham? Elsewhere, all we hear about are engagement rumors.
Suzy
Chattanooga, Tenn.

Dear Let's Spoon:
Who says it's a sham, darling? They truly are adorably, terribly close. Just like sisters!

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Express newsletter
***

Truth, Lies and Ted

Episode: Phonyspoon

Ted Casablanca
Source: Ted Casablanca, Truth, Lies and Ted video - June 12, 2008

Sunday, 8 June 2008

Dr. Parnassus, Session Six

March 2, 2008

Toothy: Doctor Parnassus?
Doctor Parnassus: Why hello pussycakes. I’ve been expecting you.
Toothy: I’m actually calling on behalf of a friend who’s…having issues.
Doctor Parnassus: Of course you are. You are wise to contact me. Those who play the game do not see it as clearly as those who watch.
Toothy: I’m watching, and it’s killing me.
Doctor Parnassus: As the King — and I mean Martin Luther — said, in the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Toothy: O truth! Where to begin.
Doctor Parnassus: Relax, cherub, close those mournful eyes, free your memories…
Toothy: I remember … I remember when I lost my mind. There was something so pleasant about that place.
Doctor Parnassus: Ah yes, even repressed emotions have an echo in so much space.
Toothy: When I was out there, I didn’t care. Because I was out of touch. But it wasn't because I didn't know enough. I just knew too much.
Doctor Parnassus: About your friend?
Toothy: Yes, I know too much. Does that make me crazy?
Doctor Parnassus: Possibly.
Toothy: Probably?
Doctor Parnassus: Oh lovemuffin. I hope your friend is having the time of his life. Otherwise, I’d tell him to think twice, that's my only advice.
Toothy: I used to do … whatever the voices in his head told me to. Then… one day he said, come on now, who do you think you are?
Doctor Parnassus: Ha ha ha, bless his soul! He really thinks he’s in control?!
Toothy: He does. He says I’m crazy. He says we’re crazy. And that’s he’s running the show.
Doctor Parnassus: Honeybaby, in two words: im possible! Peruse the paradox. In dissociative identity disorder, the ego maintains repression without knowing the repressed. Knowing without knowing. But here, we have knowing with knowing! Of course, the alter ego's coping mechanisms allow superficially normal functioning. But primal repression of bi-ambiguity coupled with intermetamorphosis ultimately leads to depersonalization and dysphoria. Ergo, eventually, loss of control.
Toothy: Bi-ambiguity? You mean 85% straight and looking for beer?
Doctor Parnassus: Well, as one my most loyal patients, Woody Allen, said, "Being bisexual doubles your chance of a date on Saturday night." Let me put it this way: It is what you do when you don't have to that determines what you will be when you can't help it. It’s nothing 20 years of therapy won’t fix! I myself now accept that I am pomosexual. And quite lunaticus.
Toothy: Amantes sunt amentes?
Doctor Parnassus: Absolutely. And what you resist, persists. Now, the unbearable psychic pain of a relationship trauma could trigger the release of a psychic storm. Archetypal compensations and camouflages may then be penetrated and a synthesis of mutually dependent polar forces could ensue. A Hero’s Journey, if you will.
Toothy: Hero? My hero had the heart to lose his life out on a limb. All I remember is thinking, I wanna be like him. Now he’s gone, he not there, but I swear —
Doctor Parnassus: Dearest, I think you and I are singing from the same hymnbook.
Toothy: But my “friend” … well. Ever since he was little, he thought Hollywood looked like fun. So it's no coincidence he’s come… and … I’m afraid I’ll die when he’s done.
Doctor Parnassus: I won’t let that happen, sugarbaby.
Toothy: Maybe I’m crazy.
Doctor Parnassus: Maybe you’re crazy, but so am I.
Toothy: But you know who you are, you’re out there!
Doctor Parnassus: I am out here, lamb, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher. Exempli gratia: Which is better for your friend, eternal happiness or a peanut butter cup? It would appear that eternal happiness is better, but in his mind, this is really not so. After all, nothing is better than eternal happiness, and a peanut butter cup is certainly better than nothing. Therefore a peanut butter cup is better than eternal happiness.
Toothy: Oh doc, I despair.
Doctor Parnassus: Hold on, my sweet plum! Thus spoke Zarathustra: No lachrymology. Be lustful, be selfish. Begin the journey toward self-mastery. Bitch the alter. Stop being a gaysha to him! The alter will then wither away and reintegration can begin.
Toothy: You truly understand my situation.
Doctor Parnassus: I used to be schizophrenic too, but now we’re fine.
Toothy: Love.
Doctor Parnassus: Have your friend call me.

Source: Waiting for Toothy blog comments

Tuesday, 3 June 2008

Beard x 2

Dear Ted:
Since L. Armstrong and J. Gyllenhaal are friends, would you say Lance is to Kate Hudson what Jake is to Reese Witherspoon? Becky Bain did a great job in your absence, but still... welcome back!
Sofia
Buenos Aires, Argentina

Dear Duh:
Since J dates R and L dates K then, uh, yeah I would say so. And ain’t B2 great?

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth

***

Friends, Flames and Foes

June 4, 2008

And now a word about Jake Gyllenhaal, eternal boyish wonder, and Reese Witherspoon, Jen’s ol’ Friends sis. Cannot tell you how many folks have contacted, written, phoned, chased me down at screenings, Gelson’s, parties, just to find out what the ef’s up with these two. I’ve said it before, I’ll blab it again: nothing. Nothing save brilliance, mind you. I mean, Clooney, the hardest dude to nab in H'wood, could learn from this dude Gyllenhaal.

"They’re very, very good friends," remarked a Githerspoon source who knows the two beauties well. "They’re helping each other out right now through some rough spots, that’s it."

Jeez, what could be rougher than being young and gorgeous, unattached and gifted with stunning hair? What do these two have to complain about? OK, well Reese’s failed marriage with Ryan, for starters. And then, I suppose, if you were truly desperate, you could add Rendition to Jakey’s problematic past. But that’s really stretching it. My hunch? They’re supergood BFFs who don’t mind in the least when every People photog worth his or her anal-probe camera happens to hunt them down at myriad coffee clutches and Beverly Hills mansions. They’ll ride this one as long as they see fit. The gushing, hyperventilating press only makes them both more viable, far more than on their own.

Remember, Reese didn’t get that Oscar for nuthin’.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth