Tuesday, 1 January 2008

Toothy Tile Archive

Complete Toothy Tile Archive

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth

This is Part 1:
Toothy Tile blind items: March 5, 2005 - August 29, 2008

Click for Part 2:
Toothy Tile Archive - Part 2

March 5, 2005

Jake Gyllenhaal, grabbin' some Cali-esque grub at Basix Café. Boys Town. Gabbing fer days with a guy-pal, Jake-poo, decked out in a white sweatshirt hoodie and jeans, covered up his buzzed noggin with a red baseball cap.

The sensitive hunks lingered on fer over an hour, smiling, exchanging childhood stories--with a bit of misty-eyed emotion even? Hey, take it up with my WeHo Desk, 'kay?

March 10, 2005

One Adorable Blind Vice

Okay, sugar-muffins, the only reason this one's in the Vice section is because until quite recently, Toothy Tile was dating his superpopular, superannoyingly perfect girlfriend. Not boyfriend. Which, if you ask this old gossip whore, is the classification Tile would prefer his significant others be filed under in the very near future.

Mere days ago, while everyone was hooting and complaining about this gown and that host from the Oscars, Tile was right out in the open holding hands with his man in a West Hollywood restaurant--which shall remain nameless...because I love going there and they probably won't serve me anymore if I start outing their customers, ca-friggin'-peesh?

Not that I'd be outting anybody, anyway. Mr. Tile took care of that himself. Covertly, but he did it.

It was late in the afternoon; everybody had cleared out. Save Tile and his man-amigo, who extended his hands flat on the marble table (yes, that's a hint) until they were intertwined with Tile's. Massive smiles then appeared on both daring dudes.

Too sweet! And such a departure for this debauched department, doncha think? Don't worry, as sure as Tile's famous ex knew, deep down, way below her doable dimples, what Tile really wanted (hence, the breakup), next week, we'll be right back on salacious patrol, damn sure.

And it ain't: Tobey Maguire, Keanu Reeves, Jamie Foxx

March 17, 2005

Dear Ted:
Love the gab and the poop! More, more, more! Now, I've never tried to guess the Blind Vice before, so I'm hoping for beginner's luck: Is Toothy Tile in the Adorable Blind Vice Orlando Bloom? His eyes showed more passion for Hobbits than for poor Kate.
Jessica A. Kaputa
Alexandria, Virginia

Dear Lords Looker:
Ain't that the truth. Alas, it ain't Mr. B., whom so many other guessers thought it might be as well. No, the dude who was doing the digital dance with his amigo in a West Hollywood restaurant was none other than... Oops, almost gave it away. My lawyer would have had me on a rocket to Pluto!

Dear Ted:
Could Toothy Tile from One Adorable Blind Vice be Ben Affleck, aka Mr. Jennifer? Hmmm...über-perfect girlfriend with "doable dimples." I haven't heard they broke up, but I wouldn't be surprised.

Dear John Travolta:
Kidding! Although I s'pose it could be you? Regardless, excellent guess, initialed one! But, wrong, I must add. However, you are very close to the real semi-randy one--just think better hair (all his own) and a tad less brawn.

Dear Ted:
The One Adorable Blind Vice has to be Usher. It is him, right?

Dear Southern Snoop:
So far off it's amusing me no end, Billie-babe. Think less musical and far more boyish.

March 24, 2005

One Window-fogged Blind Vice

This one's getting interesting.

Remember Toothy Tile from One Adorable Blind Vice? The sweet movie-star guy who was surreptitiously holding digits with his boyfriend at a West Hollywood restaurant? Well, he's at it again. Only, this time, more than digits are being utilized. At least the ones... never mind.

So, there T2 is with the stud-unit again. In the concrete parking structure of a very popular Hell-Ay shopping enclave. It was dark. Not too many shoppers were around.

Could this be why handsome Tooth (whose legs, I feel, have been vastly undersold, thanks to his mega-charming smile) saw fit to smooch his companion in their car, reclining their seats as far back as Faye Dunaway's forehead. And this kissing scene didn't simply occur in first, my dears. No, Tile brought the all-man, all-body Frenching session right on home, full throttle, all the way to fifth, I'd say.

Damn, that boy's a gusty speed racer.

And it ain't: Mark Wahlberg, Leonardo DiCaprio, Ben Affleck

March 31, 2005

Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile speed racer Matt Damon? He has a great smile, and people are always joking that he and Ben are "together."
H. King
San Diego

Dear Good Will Guesser:
Nope, but you are very close, pumpkin. Deliciously so.

April 7, 2005

Dear Ted:
Are you seriously telling me no one has guessed the identity of Toothy Tile from One Adorable Blind Vice and last week's Whoa, Nellie! item? It is Michael Vartan, of course. His Jennifer moved on up--it is so obvious.
Jill D.
Calgary, Alberta, Canada

Dear Detective Dummy:
If it's so obvious, sugar-smooch, why is it then not the Alias hunk? Think less established and far less sure of himself. Meanwhile, the randy guesses have been rocketing in like you wouldn't believe!

Dear Ted:
I have no real idea 'bout the closet mystery dude, but I thought I'd throw some names at you anyhow: Orlando Bloom or he-man Vin Diesel?

Dear Ted:
I'm all about the gay blind vice; nothing like a little sexual confusion to get a girl going in the morning. The last few weeks have been driving me insane to the point that I've been enlisting the help of fellow gossip hounds to try and solve it. I've got a feeling Toothy Tile is Elijah Wood.

Dear Mel 'n' Elle:
Great guesses, girlfriends! But as I'm sure you're getting an inkling right about now, neither of you hit the jumpin' jackpot. The correct cutie who's thinkin' about pulling an Anne Heche (before she decided she wasn't gay, that is) is right smack between Mr. Bloom and Mr. Wood--where he just might like to be, come to think of it.

April 14, 2005

Dear Ted:
Foul! Foul! Foul! You are all over the place with the answer for Toothy Tile in One Adorable Blind Vice! Two weeks ago, somebody was really close with Matt Damon, but then last week the guy's not as established as Michael Vartan! Come on!

Dear Fretting:
Stop. Breathe. Find a nice corner to relax. Then get up, remember all this Hollywood nonsense is just that and go do something fun. Try renting one of those glitzy cartoon flicks--they're ta-riff!

April 20, 2005

Sunday, 6 p.m., upper Runyon Canyon, saw a toothy (and built) Jake Gyllenhaal jogging with his dog (but no jogging partner, male or female)… but not so sure the shaved head look is all that sexy.

April 24, 2005

Dear Ted:
As a gay man and entertainment junkie, I want you to keep the blind items on closeted actors, er, coming. I think your Toothy Tile is Vin Diesel--being smack in the middle was clever. Well done.
O'Brien Kelley

Dear Irish Zing:
I'm so gullible to same-sex ass-kissing. Wonder if Vin is, too? Though Mr. Tile ain't the beefy boy.

May 26, 2005

One Multimedia Blind Vice

Okay, my dishin' darlings, Toothy Tile's back for a raunchy round three. Let's see, we've had T.T., a handsome boy, by far, hand-holding at restaurants, snogging his man-love in Hell-Ay's subterranean parking lots...What's next, an Oprah appearance with Toothy declaring his love for the good-lookin' b-f?

Close. Very close.

Word on the homo-connected nut-vine has it that Toothy's been in talks with an Oprah-esque mag (i.e., huge circulation, other media connections like TV networks) about coming out of the closet. Not as gay, but as...bisexual.

This, of course, would help explain T.T.'s past dating experience with lithe female movie stars. But (as is often the case with love) now he can't control the fact that he's in a major butterfly state with a dude (don't you hate it when that happens?).

At least, that's the plan--to be done with a queer writer for added politically correct synergy (some say for guaranteed taste, but I don't trust these reporters, regardless of their sexual orientation).

It'll be most interesting. Particularly when Mr. Tile's big-screen job makes a very sensual, boyish splash at the same time.

And it ain't: Tobey Maguire, Will Smith, Val Kilmer

May 26, 2005

Jake Gyllenhaal, hiking up Hell-Ay's Runyon Canyon with his midsize pooch and stud-worthy abs. He was all by his lonesome, sporting a short buzz job and baggy shorts, but who the hell could see if the gams were any good, what with those blinding tummy muscles...Whew! Come on, darlin' Kirsten, what were you thinking? Lost in some kinda thought, too, was Mr. G., quite the moody man (at least right now, huh?).

June 2, 2005

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile should be Justin Timberlake, since he fits all the clues and was mentioned somewhere in all three Toothy Tile Blind Vice columns. Do I get the tiara?

Dear Det. Princess:
I didn't know I was offering one. Regardless, you get bupkis, my brave but way off guesser. Think more apprentice-like for the moment. Also, a little less dork appeal.

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile just has to be Tom Cruise. After your last vice on Toothy, I couldn't help but notice that you keep referring to Tom's toothy smile.
Michelle A.

Dear Top Shun:
Nope, ain't T.C. Way too established, as the correct cutie-patootie (who's on the verge of publicizing what he prefers to do with his patootie) is much more of an up-and-comer in the movie-idol biz.

Dear Ted:
I've been surfing the Internet for 10 years, and you have the amazing knack of putting into words exactly what the public is thinking. Well, those of us with brain cells still left. Hey, is Toothy Tile Hayden Christensen?
Cathie V.

Dear Super-Ass-Smoocher:
Nice try, but ain't gonna work. Besides, H.C. is not the correct homo rising star. But C.V., I must tell you, you are by far the closest gay snoop to date. Congrats.

Dear Ted:
Love your dish, dirt and juicy bits. Is Toothy Tile Spider-Man's James Franco? You don't hear much about his love life.

Dear Midwestern Wonderer:
Another primo stab (though not quite as "almost too close to homo home" Cathie V., above)! You're on the right scent, just not quite there in the major-stah-stirring pot, I'm afraid.

June 3, 2005

Dear Ted:
As you are entirely too clever in your clues for a public school-educated gal like me, I would still like to risk the humiliation of being incorrect and throw my guess in the pot for Toothy Tile. Is it Christian Bale? He is talented but not quite an established star and he definitely has the teeth thing goin' on.
Karen Leigh
Birmingham, Alabama

Dear Heavy Breathing Begins:
You got that right, southern sis! (If ever there was a replacement for my Alec Baldwin crush, Bale would be the dude.) And I've run a Blind Vice query from weeks ago--a no-no--because the only thing getting readers in a tizzy more than Doctor Dunce (above) is the guy-lovin' Toothy Tile. Who is the hot, young actor considering outing himself? Not Bale, that much I can say. Too manly. Much

June 9, 2005

Oh, before we head on over to Grauman's for some movie-stah silliness, wanted to tell you all I ran into Jake Gyllenhaal (Donnie Darko, The Day After Tomorrow) at one of Amanda Scheer Demme's fab H-town do's at the Tropicana. Roosevelt. Director Ted's striking, brunette widow, who puts together music and hipster projects like nobody's trendspotting biz-ness, is a wild one. Love her.

While Ellen's tossed-aside lovely lady, Alexandra Hedison, was finally starting to smile again, Kirsten's last love sauntered in by the huge-ass pool. Baggy everything. Movie-hunk homeboy, I call it. Asked J.G. what he loved about Amanda.

"Her hair," he said through pearly whites Tom Cruise would sit through Scientology Tooth Rehab for eternity to have, I'm sure.

Eyeing his adorable buzz cut--just like the one I recently got my stylist Brant Mayfield at Chris McMillan to pull off--I said, "Speaking of which, love yours--do you miss having more of it?"

"Not at all," he pooped proudly. "I love being free of it."

"Can't wait for the boy-boy big-screen story Brokeback Mountain," I fessed as I bid my goodbye.

"Me, too," remarked the remarkable actor (and I mean that, all you bitchy ones who don't believe me)

June 23, 2005

Dear Ted:
I am a huge fan of your gossip. So huge, in fact, that all six of my goldfish are named Ted. Have we dismissed Jared Leto as the mysterious Toothy Tile? I think he has stated before that he is pretty open to anything with a pulse.

Dear Ted:
I am obsessed with Toothy Tile. I guess I must join all of Hollywood, and the world, to read your major exposé. What's this about orgies? Should I move to Hollywood and spice up my New Yorker life? Is Toothy Julian McMahon?
Vincent Nelson
New York City

Dear Fishing Types:
No and no. First one's a great (and close) guess, second one's lousy. Your brain's apparently not working too well, Vince. They have debauched sex parties in New York, too, ya know. Find one. And, Cathy, those fishies better be damn good-looking.

June 23, 2005

Jake Gyllenhaal, stealing away to a dark, damp enclave at Olé! Tapas Bar. Studio City. The Valley. Ain't superfame such the damn bitch? Give the a guy a break, already, and let him eat his friggin' fish dinner in peace!

Seated in a booth with a kinda yummy guy-pal--about his age, shorter than Jake, with an Ashton Kutcher 'do—J.G. easily pulled off that aw-shucks sexiness in loose jeans and an untucked white button-down. Could Jake have been discussing getting back with Kirsten, just dude-to-dude? Regardless, Ms. D.'s leftover hunk noshed on a seafood medley, while his bud diligently chewed up steak tips.

You read it raw here first!

July 26, 2005

One confused Blind Vice

Toothy Tile, the rising young male star who secretly likes boys, is creating quite the media sitch. Not only am I told by same-sex inside sources that Mr. T. is still speaking with media representatives about coming out of the closet (much to the dissatisfaction of T.T.'s ten-percent crowd), but poor T. is feeling a tad...pulled.

He really loves his old g-f. That much is very clear. Nevertheless, T.T. is not breaking up with his (largely unknown) boyfriend, even though Mr. T.--whose dimples nevertheless remain quite dreamy through all this suspenseful tsuris--is not quite sure what, exactly, to do about the ex-girlfriend.

What's a bisexual budding star to do?

Oh, probably what all the rest of 'em do: Stay right in the damn closet.

Care to prove me wrong, Tooth?

And it ain't: Ben McKenzie, Josh Lucas, Josh Duhamel

August 4, 2005

Dear Ted:
I love your column. I see you mentioned Toothy Tile again in One Confused Blind Vice. I've come to the conclusion that Toothy can only be Orlando Bloom. He fits the description perfectly--he's young, handsome, dimply and really seems to care about Kate Bosworth.

Dear Bloomin' Curious:
Nope, O.B. is not the increasingly famous (albeit mysteriously so) movie star who prefers boys to girls--in private. Excellent guess, though, if not a bit too famous and beautiful.

Dear Ted:
I think One Confused Blind Vice's Toothy Tile is Adam Brody from The O.C. He has Rachel Bilson, and he's up and coming.

Dear Canadian Fakin':
You got that right, sweet stuff, but from what I hear, A.B.'s just up and comin' with R.B., not a handsome young dude. Think more celebrated and certainly more photographed. Right age and looks though.

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile is Ryan Cabrera. It has to be. That would explain the hair, the ultrafemme voice and the chronic on-and-off, synthetically strange relationship with Ashlee Simpson.
Amy B.

Dear Phoenician Phony:
No, darling, that's more in the direction of Clay Aiken. Wrong artistic alley altogether.

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile has to be Topher Grace.
Charlotte Hamilton

Dear Midwestern Dick:
Why? Do you know something I don't? Do tell. Besides, I said handsome, not cute. Big, big diff, darlin'.

August 11, 2005

(Two) Bad-Boy Blind Vices

Let's see, we've got Studly Seymour goin' down on some chick at the Viceroy in Santa Monica. Does that interest you? A little, you say? Well, it was quite impromptu, nothing planned (like in a bathroom stall or anything). Box-office deliverer S2 and his latest gal--for the moment, I assure you--just wanted to share a scream or 15 in the ballroom, that's all. So what if other folks crashed their sweaty party?

Toothy Tile, on the other orgasmic hand, does mind. Or maybe not? Hmmm.

As any reader of this filthy column knows damn well by now, our boy Tooth--much like Seymour, above--likes taking chances. He does it in the parking garages of Hell-Ay's more bourgeois shopping centers. On restaurant balconies--hell, wherever there's a chance of getting caught.

Just like he did last weekend. Parking lot right off the Strip. T.T. and his b-f (for whom, I'm told, Toothy has considered very heavily coming out of the proverbial media closet) were "hard-core" doing the diddly, say their concerned amigos.

Only problem was, a security cop called the real coppers, who hand-slapped T.T. something good. Alas, somebody's somebody called the head somebody at the police station, and the whole thing got covered up--just like most of the fun stuff does in this ass-greasing enclave.

So, don't expect Mr. T. to bare his bisexual soul anytime soon. I hear his relationship with the same-sex partner is suddenly not quite as gung-ho as it has been for months previous. Toothy got so friggin' scared he's edging back in the closet. And--you guessed it--the opposite-sex ex is soothing Tile's bruised psyche.

Hey, don't sweat it, Tooth. I once did it on the Long Island Railroad with my then beach boy, and the conductor happened by. Oops. Didn't ask for my ticket, funny enough.

And it ain't: Johnny Depp, Michael Vartan, Sean William Scott, Johnny Knoxville, Seth Green

August 11, 2005

Dear Ted:
Print this letter, or I will not read your column for two weeks or watch you on E! News. My guess to last week's One Deceiving Blind Vice is Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore. And Toothy Tile, I believe, is Brandon Davis.
Angela B.
Washington, D.C.

Dear Bully:
What is that, terror-guessing? Well, keep right on reading and watching, Missy Bossy, as it ain't anybody you guessed. Way too old on the first and absolutely cold--looks-wise and everything-wise--on the second.

August 18, 2005

Dear Ted:
I finally figured out a Blind Vice! Thanks to a hint from Jeannette Walls on MSNBC, I think that Toothy Tile is Josh Hartnett!

Dear Windy Wonderer:
Aren't Jeannette's legs too divine? I'm stalling here, because I hate the thought of letting you down, once again. Nope, T.T. ain't Hartnett (though that's a very clever guess, my darlin'). Think a different playing league (field?), entirely.

Dear Ted:
I want to venture a guess on last week's (Two) Bad Boy Blind Vices. Is it Orlando Bloom? He and the Lord of the Rings boys were notorious girl-chasers down in New Zealand, and he's been dumbfounding us all by being on-again, off-again with Kate Bosworth. What do you think?
Yvette Farnsworth
Nogales, Arizona

Dear Poke-a-Scope:
That you might be on to somethin', but alas, not the correct answer to the Vice item about Toothy Tile, the Hollywood star who's taking 336,000 years to come out of the closet, as he says he wants to do.

September 8, 2005

Dear Ted:
This Toothy Tile thing is killing me! I must be superlame, because even with the hints, I haven't got a clue. Is it Ryan Cabrera from Texas?
The O.C.

Dear South of Hell-Ay:
Nope, but you're also directly below, geographically speaking, where Mr. T.T. was born and now resides. And you're hardly superlame, cupcake--you're a stellar snoop in my hazel eyes.

Dear Ted:
I must admit I'm obsessed with discovering the identity of Toothy Tile. I can't stand it. All of my guesses have been wrong. Please, for my sanity's sake, tell me it's Jamie Foxx. I was positively sure it was Seann William Scott. Just call me clueless.

Dear Was Closer with Seann:
Foxx, love-lover he may be, is not the boy who likes to do it in parking lots, restaurants, shopping malls and just about every place he's not supposed to--my kinda Romeo! But I'm sorry to report, sweetie sleuth, that Mr. Double-T. will most likely go back even farther into the closet, as his peeps have had myriad heart attacks over the subject. And of course, T. himself nearly lost it when he almost got arrested for diddling his b-f off the Sunset Strip. Too bad. He coulda been a revolutionary contender.

November 4, 2005

One Forced Fagola Blind Vice

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're tired of Toothy Tile. But, darlings, the way folks are yappin' lately, this might be one of my last chances to discuss the closeted and increasingly curious conundrums of T2!

Tragic, I know.

Now what you might not realize is that T.T. and his boyfriend have their own share of Jude Law-and-Sadie Frost-style drama. They were on for forevah. Then they broke up. And now, phew, they're on! (And Toothy's public "girlfriend" is fadin' into the background fast.)

But here's the (big) prob: Everyone loves a good drama. And some people couldn't give a Simpson's ass about Nick and Jessica. These folks--all fancy, rich and A-list, mind you--like dishin' on Toothy and his b-f instead. Where have they been having sex in their butch automobiles lately? Jeez. Their li'l relationship is like the cocktail fodder at WeHo's most elite, gay gatherings.

Some het ones, too.

Why, darlings, at all the best Halloween do's, particularly one held by a mucho impressive movie director, it's the only thing folks could blab on about--all the poor Cher impersonators were driven to near tears 'cause no one paid them no damn mind!

Also, big-name big-timers are openly chatting about T2's homo-rrific love life. No whispers required. It's, forgive the pun, out there. Everywhere.

So, if everyone who's anyone is openly talkin' Toothy, can it be long before the rest of America catches up? I for one hope we have a little more time. I'd kinda miss Toothy.

(Hey, Tooth, glad you're back with that man of yours--for good this time? It's sure what he thinks.)

And it ain't: Joaquin Phoenix, Scott Speedman, Rob Thomas

November 10, 2005

"See, I told you people were going to love it."

--Kirsten Dunst to sometimes boy accoutrement Jake Gyllenhaal, after a cute guy fan approached them at Whole Foods in West Hollywood and told J.G. how much he liked Jarhead

November 11, 2005

Dear Ted:
I bet Toothy Tile is one half of TomKat!
Kelly - Miami

Dear Cruise Cryptic:
Sorry, doll, way too big--success-wise, that is. Think less showy and glitzy but just as much a thrill-seeker.

Dear Ted:
Is the lover of Toothy Tile Peter Sarsgaard?
Cathedral City, California

Dear Dude Detective:
Why, no, darling, whatever makes you think that? Far less well known (but much better muscled).

November 15, 2005

Two To-the-Limit Blind Vices

Toothy Tile and Petunia Pickle-Pop really should start dating.

I mean, it would be a fake get-together, but how many real ones are left in this town? Like Jude Law and Sienna Miller are going to last. Like they got back together because they just feel so right for each other, in the end--current flicks to sell be damned!

So, Toothy and Petunia are pushing the upchuck-and-saliva-covered envelope like you would not believe. Or maybe you would?

Ladies first. Movie-stah Toothy--who's been playing with whether or not to come out the closet for so long now, readers think I'm just makin' this sitch up (I'm not)--recently did a chat show for his latest pic, Casablanca Cuckold. You'll never guess what a network worker bee caught him doing in the privacy of his dressing room before taping...

No, not fornicating (you dirty busybodies), just tonguing his b-f, that's all. And this little love licking spread through the studio faster than a pink-slip distribution list at ABC!

Causing far fewer but much more horrified mouths to gasp at an L.A. recording studio was Petunia's smelly wake. After barging into the classy operation with her screeching wheels, P2 headed straight for the bathroom, which had been oh so thoughtfully set up with scented candles and tasteful towels and such.

After 15 minutes of locking herself in the loo, Petunia emerged, leaving the bathroom looking like something out of Martha Stewart's nightmares. And guess what was left smack in the middle of the restroom--with one tiny towel placed in the middle?

It was a reeking, warm pile of human discard. Puke. All over the floor.

Jeez, whose wake is stinkier these days, drugged-out Pet's or duded-out Tooth's?

And it ain't: Will Smith, Wentworth Miller, Chad Murray Michael

November 18, 2005

Dear Ted:
Love the column, wish it were longer. Just read your last blind item on Toothy Tile and want to know if he's Zach Braff?

Dear A2:
Good one. But nope, the Z-man's truly just for the chicks. I mean, have you seen his flabby abs? Think more bod-perf.

November 21, 2005

Dear Ted:
I see from your Two To-the-Limit Blind Vices that Toothy Tile was spotted smooching some guy right before promoting his latest flick. Well, I just checked the movies that have been released lately. Obviously, Toothy must be 50 Cent, 'cause his new movie Get Rich or Die Tryin' just came out. Mr. Cent has some 'splainin' to do!

Dear Det. Slang:
Perhaps. But not regarding my Blind Vice that has Toothy tonguin' the b-f right before a talk-show appearance. Nice try. Wrong genre,really. In several ways. Think more out there, as it were.

November 26 2005

Jake Gyllenhaal, stealing away to a dark, damp enclave at Olé! Tapas Bar. Studio City. The Valley. Ain't superfame such the damn bitch? Give the a guy a break, already, and let him eat his friggin' fish dinner in peace! Seated in a booth with a kinda yummy guy-pal--about his age, shorter than Jake, with an Ashton Kutcher 'do--J.G. easily pulled off that aw-shucks sexiness in loose jeans and an untucked white button-down. Could Jake have been discussing getting back with Kirsten, just dude-to-dude? Regardless, Ms. D.'s leftover hunk noshed on a seafood medley, while his bud diligently chewed up steak tips. You read it raw here first!

November 30, 2005

Tabloid satellite peeps immediately call in to their mother stations that Lindsay and Jake are the latest dynamic duo in town (uh, don't think so).

Jakey-pooh himself ventures outside around 8 to pleasure the crowds. Nut-job Sean, who seconds ago was providing intelligent sound bites, has suddenly become psycho-star: With digital camera in hand, she immediately starts snapping yours truly. "I'm stalking Jake tonight!" she says, as if this is protocol red carpet behavior. "And you're a part of it!"

Jake looks obviously distressed. Firstly, every time a reporter says the word gay, he bites his lip and thinks for, like, 30,000 seconds before speaking. Secondly, Young is actually asking other reporters about the good-looking guy's availability. She wants to date Jake, you see, and this is not a joke.

Poor kid, I think he needs a break. Seriously. Especially if he's planning on getting some Linds--as amigos, of course.

"Will you make a happy gay love-story, already?" I asked...

Jake G., man of the hour in a dark, flattering suit and beard: "Yeah, I'd do that," he gamely offered. "But I might have to kiss a girl in it!" he said with a smile more sly than anybody that young should be able to accomplish.

Jake Gyllenhaal, sans eyeglasses, thank gawd, cruising Fairfax. Hell-Ay. A fellow driver gushed and then she gushed some more over the brunet half of Brokeback Mountain. He was very polite--waved like he was sayin' hi to grandma--when the gal let Jake merge in front of her. Wooh. How much would we all like to merge with Jakey-pooh? Whoa. Let's all go have a cold shower, 'kay?

December 13, 2005

One Overly Cozy Blind Vice

Stealth Stud-Poof has it all. He's got a decent bod; a procreating, talented gal; and a well-respected and sizzling career. Not to mention a great ass and a boyfriend who knows what to do with it. The butt, that is, not the job stuff.

See, Toothy Tile is not (by far) the only homo in Hollywood who likes to push the fruitcake-covered envelope. Uh-uh, no way.

Whereas our loveable, somewhat confused Tooth is constantly trying to figure out just what the hell he wants to do with his life--sexuality being not the least of his concerns--Stealth has known from his relatively flashy get-go what he wanted in life: a glitzy career, a wife and family and--most definitely--a b-f on the side.

And he got it all--plus more money and job accolades than he ever expected. But here's what S.S.-P. wasn't counting on: a lover so bossy Leona Helmsley looks like Snow White by comparison.

At first it was fine and cute. The side-screw was sufficiently content to be relegated to where mistresses usually are: wink-wink, off in a discreet corner, where only certain in-the-know members of Stealth's inner sanctum were aware. Everybody got along. This was before said boy-mistress decided his very convincing reincarnation of Eva Perón was in order. And so, the dictator-channeling upstart began (with Stealth's quasi-reluctant approval) ridding Mr. Stud-Poof's life of all that didn't please the new Eva.

Which meant off with anybody's head who didn't approve of Queen Boyfriend becoming a royal attachment to Stealth's increasingly more visible side, wife included.

And now? The unlikely ménage à tricky trois is living together. Or not. Stealth's got a few pads round the globe. And his Hollywood place? Well, gosh, doesn't seem to be too much room for the missus here, now does there?

So, Stealth's rather horrified friends are now waiting for the wife-unit to blow the cover on the whole mess. Don't count on it. I find in these prickly, often legally complex scenarios, the tryst-seeking tabloids usually beat the crossed housewife to the proverbial punch.

And it ain't: Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Will Smith

December 21, 2005

West Hollywood, California, sweetie-muffin, home of the free and the not-always-brave, including Toothy Tile and Stealth Stud-Poof, who will probably never come out--which is their bizness. Sigh.

January 6, 2006

Dear Ted:
Hey, Queeny, I'm a non-military American living in Germany, and I love you, baby. I think Toothy Tile is Ashton Kutcher and his lover is his former costar who dated Lindsay Lohan and every other rising starlet, Wilmer Valderrama. Am I right?
Laronda W.

Dear Nine:
Hardly, but you sure are entertaining. Think more boy-man, less girl-man.

January 12, 2006

Jake Gyllenhaal, standin' all alone on the sidewalk. Ivy at the Shore. Santa Monica. Nice black suit. Open collar, no tie. Alone, did I mention that? Looking supertired. And then he gets into a stretch limo, uh, alone. Wonder why I can't stop emphasizing this singleness factor. Well, if you'd seen this dude at the Critics' Choice Awards at the Santa Monica Civic Center the day before--freakin' bod-goons up the wazoo--you'd get where I'm comin' from. Cheer up, Jake! You're just as talented as Brokeback Mountain winner Michelle Williams. Plus, you never have to live down talk about Dawson's Creek or field questions about Katie Holmes. Is our Jakey-pooh grinnin' now? Thought so.

January 27, 2006

Dear Ted:
Love the column, I read it daily. Just wondering, is Vamperella Vein-Pop from One Bodily Fluid Blind Vice about Paris Hilton? And is Slick Brick Jake Gyllenhaal?
New York City

Dear Big Grapple:
Excellente on the guesses, gal-friend! Even though they're both wrong, gotta say you're not so far off on both--just by a couple of decades, that's all.

February 19, 2006

Dear Ted:
Honey, pull back on the Madonna ass kissing. She never was and never will be Cher!
Mike, a true fag

Dear Genuine Fruit:
What, so I'm imitation fagola? There's room for at least three gay icons in my book, just as long as we include Jake Gyllenhaal, 'kay? (For that spittle love scene alone!)

February 24, 2006

Dear Ted:
What has happened to Toothy Tile? He was just so about to get out of the closet, having sex in public places, and then...nothing. Is he working his cute ass off?
Alejandro González
Córdoba, Argentina

Dear South of the Borderline:
Yep, and--as I expected--T2 has given in to his adviser's latest pleas to stay undercover. However, I wouldn't write off this one entirely. Give Tooth another year of fake butt hounding, and I think you will see a little breakthrough--or breakdown.

Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile's boyfriend Matt Dillon?

Dear T2 Type:
Nope, not that famous. Yet.

March 8, 2006

One Fellah-Flirting-in-Public Blind Vice?

It had to happen.

Toothy Tile, you're toast. You've been so damn taken with the breathless watching of whether or not you'd maybe, just maybe, decide to come outta the closet you thought you'd keep your fans (not to mention my readers) on the edge of their slippery seats forever. Think again.

'Cause, girlfriend, there's a new gay in town--meet Crisp Lisp. And he's way cooler. Actually new isn't quite the right word to describe C.L., but more on him in a sec.

Let's face it. T2 was going to be dethroned as King of the Closet one of these days. Everyone is bored, already. I mean, come out or stay in, it's your call. But the way Toothy prances about (lately), never really making any statements that give us something to chomp on, is just plain aggravating.

Yes, I am much more impressed by Crisp Lisp. On Oscar night, he attended one of the hottest-ticket bashes in this damn town. And he didn't go alone. He was with his date--a very nice, if shy, dude. The two made no secret that they were on a romantic outing. And by this fetching factoid, I don't mean to imply they were sucking face and groping each other. I mean, Tara Reid C.L. is not and never will be.

Rather, Crisp and his paramour just kinda chilled. Held hands. Whispered low. Gazed longingly into each other's bedroom eyes, blah-pre-poke-behavior-blah. Sure, everyone knew what was going on and that this is pretty much C.L.'s first foray into serious gay-relationship territory.

I wanna wish C.L. luck. And even though Crisp has a detractor, or three, in this town (who friggin' doesn't?), well, who can hold a grudge against new love?

Oh, and if you think you've seen C.-hon at a lot of high-profile parties lately, you're right. You totally have.

And It Ain'ts: Jonathan Rhys Myers, Terence Howard, Matt Dillon

March 17, 2006

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile has got to be Jesse Metcalfe. I bet your intern, Cristina Gibson, and your associate, Caroline Kepnes, would agree with me.
Susan Wagner

Dear Gay Guesser:
Yeah, they'd be my ex intern and associate, respectively, if they did, 'cause the Toothster ain't Jesse. Kinda close, but not really, if you catch my celebrated drift.

Dear Ted:
I usually enjoy your column very much, but something about it is beginning to get me down. Why is there such an obsession on your part about which men are gay and which men aren't? Granted, you may be a gay man, but many of us are straight people. This constant nagging of Toothy Tile to come out of the closet is beyond boring!
Andi Iannuzi
New York City

Dear Straight-Two-Faced:
News flash. If you're reading a gossip column, you're interested in who's diddling whom, straight or gay, T2 included.

April 6, 2006

Babe-Back Mountain!

Before we get to this week's edition of reader pie-throwing (at guess who?) and more penis wanderings than a TV star could shake an out-of-court settlement at (One Blowin' in the Stall Blind Vice), let's bat a few with The Benchwarmers' peachy movie star Molly Sims.

While doing E! News with the Kentucky-born Las Vegas lass, I asked her whose bench in Hollywood she'd most like to warm up.

"Jake Gyllenhaal's," she answered quicker than it took Heath Leger to spittle up Jake's bottom in Brokeback Mountain. "Love him. Particularly in Brokeback."

"So, you're like a guy who likes to watch two women go at it, huh?" I asked, all Kinsey Report-esque. "That really does it for ya--two guys making love?"

"Totally," responded the David Spade-Jon Heder-Rob Schneider costar. "Like, totally."

And hey, Jakey-babe, you interested in Molly? This dame is one smokin' catch, trust me.

April 7, 2006

Dear Ted:
Thanks for the lowdown on Chris Klein's brokeback. Any chance he's Toothy Tile?

Dear Security Guard Type:
Yeah, ya won't see butt reports (male and female alike) in Tab Fab, that's fer sure. C.K. ain't Toothy, though I must say that's a fairly close guess. Think, uh, well, just think more, and you'll see the brainy light.

Dear Ted:
Those photos of Jake Gyllenhaal in the Awful Truth are gorgeous. Why is he still single? Do you think these Hollywood starlets just aren't his type, or do you think he's going the George Clooney route (keeping his personal life private)?

Dear Hunk-Maker:

Dear Ted:
Couldn't agree with you more when you said, "Tom Cruise is a primo actor, and one day, he'll get his Oscar, mark my bitchy predictions." Nothin' bitchy about those predictions, love. Tom blew me away in Magnolia.

Dear Trophy Trip:
I know, honey. And it better happen before Jakey gets one. That was almost scary this year, the possibility of him scoring a golden boy before Tommy.

April 10, 2006

No Boys Allowed!

Okay, I'll make an exception for Jake G. in today's chica-licious column. Want to know where Jennifer G. and Katie H. are both hangin'? (But not together, duh.) It's a bundle of daddy-lovin' joy, I promise...

Jake Gyllenhaal, doin' dinner with the dudes. Two of 'em. Magnolia. Sunset Boulevard. Hollywood. I wish I coulda been in on that conversation. Anyhow, the beard is on full and thick. Love it--yum for the razor-burned tum! Jakey-pooh dazzled as usual in a dark long-sleeve tee, jeans and sneaks. Someone pass the cold towel, already

April 14, 2006

Dear Ted:
This Ted-head was wondering, if closeted actors have dalliances, aren't they afraid someone will blab to the press? Please, who is Toothy Tile? He is the only one I care about. I think it is Zach Braff.

Dear Dirt Devil:
Horny men do stupidola things. Explains a lot. Regarding Zach, no, honey. Toothy's actually hot, see.

Dear Ted:
Why do you hate Jake Gyllenhaal so much? Complaining that Jake had better not win an Oscar before Tom Cruise? WTF are you thinking? Give me Donnie Darko and Jack Twist over that retard in Cocktail any day. C'mon, Tom's had acting chops in, what, one movie?
Carol O'Brien
Sherwood, Oregon

Dear Brat:
No, two. You should be ashamed of yourself

May 10, 2006

Bosom Buddies

Why didn't Tom Cruise listen to his pro-advisers, who were telling him to stay home and act like he cared more about new daughter Suri's feeding schedule than he did doing press for Mission: Impossible III? Getting out there and doing bad breakdancing on cable TV was not the best message when you've got a newborn at home.

Certainly the lackluster opening of the shoot-'em-up sequel would attest. Women (and grossed-out men, to be sure) were put off by Cruise's over-the-top press-finagling. I sure was.

And trust me, this hurts me much more than it smarts Mr. C., as I'm one of Tom's biggest (and few remaining) fans.

Possibly happier M:I:III news has hottie Jake Gyllenhaal gabbing in overdrive after he saw the franchise flick last weekend. Let's check it out...

Now, ya think that Jakie-poo only socializes with his longtime best dude-buddy Austin Nichols?

Wrong, dollfaces, all wrong.

Sunday afternoon, Maggie's bro hit the ArcLight Cinemas with cutie-quirk Robert Downey Jr.. And Robert had the wife and kiddie in tow. What a couple of hunklicious dark-haired stallions, I know.

"Jake looked adorable," blabbed my gushy gawker. "He had on jeans and sneakers, and he talked to Robert's wife for a while in the lobby before the movie started."

Now, kittens, guess which flick Jakey was taking in?

No, not Good Girl mattress-mate Jennifer Aniston in her underperforming (which is a damn shame) Friends with Money. Before I forget, go see this flick, pronto! It'll make all of us stay out of the sunbathing trenches forever--as Jennifer's epidermis ain't exactly looking luminous. Leathery is more like it.

But back to the boys: Alas, Jake is like most other red-blooded American males. He and the Downey clan spent their Sunday afternoon watching Tom Cruise tear it up in the Cruister's latest celluloid offering.

"After the movie, they all talked for, like, 15 or 20 minutes," reported an unbelievably gushy gawker. "And the best part is that there was lots of traffic leaving the theater, and Jake was in a Lexus right behind me!"

Oh, honey, didja give him a wink in the rearview?

Gushy gawker abstained from giving him the tongue--dumb broad if you ask moi--but she did note that Jake was very eager to talk: "He was on the cell phone the whole time we were in line to leave the garage. But nobody was picking up, because he kept leaving messages and dialing other numbers."

Jake, doll, I'm unlisted, bien sûr. But if you wanna call me here at the E! offices and discuss Tom's performance, I'm beyond game.

May 12, 2006

Dear Ted:
My sister and I agreed that if we could have dinner with any five people in the history of the universe, you would definitely be one of them! You're even in my "who I want to meet" section on my MySpace!

Dear Sister Space:
OMG! I was just thinking about getting a MySpace myself! Dying to know what Lindsay L.'s going to mouth off about next. What should I call myself? Toothy Tile's BFF?

May 15, 2006

Being that the movie's about luck and all, I posed my question of the night to each star on the carpet: Who would you like to get lucky with?

'Ooh...I'd have to say Jake Gyllenhaal,' Bree Turner dished. 'I have a beautiful boyfriend, but Jake is gorgeous.' I'm so with ya, sister. 'So, where is he tonight?' I asked, meaning the b-f. 'Jake Gyllenhaal?' she asked. 'I don't know! I wish I did!' Uh, you, me and the rest of the hetero and homosexual world, doll-cup."

June 1 2006

Dear Ted:
Dubba Do-Me's bod ain't what is used to be? Could he be the one and only Jared Leto? He did say in an interview that he was Morrissey-like.

Dear Gay Curious:
Man, that Leto sure knows how to let loose like a goose, huh? By the by, J.L. is not the horny Dubba--nor is he the hell-raising Toothy Tile, as everybody now seems to think. Happy-happy trails, everybody!

June 9, 2006

Dear Ted:
I'd bet a thousand dollars that the guy who buys Vince on Entourage is Toothy Tile! Ha!
Cathy Simmons
Galveston, Texas

Dear Surfside Sleuth:
You know what, hon? You're not actually that far off.

June 19, 2006

Dear Ted:
I know you ended your Toothy Tile stories after the Academy Awards this year, but this doesn't mean I let go off it, too. I analyzed all your T2 Blind Vices, and, doubtlessly, all clues point to one particular guy. After hours of brain-wracking, I got to the core of it. Toothy Tile is--ta-dah--Ronaldo, the Brazilian soccer god.

Dear Prancy Drew:
Uh, how can I put this? Wrong continent. Wrong vocation. Wrong skin tone. Wrong everything, darling. But your primo efforts are peachy!

Dear Ted:
Marilyn Monroe supposedly kept a little black book with all her secrets. Do you keep your Blind Vice secrets in a LBB? That'd be so Deep Throatish if you did!
Sammy Jay

Dear Quoted Query:
No, I keep all the blind vices in a pink, frilly diary with scented paper. There's a lock on it, though, and only Toothy Tile has the key.

June 23, 2006

Dear Ted:
Just read your column with the juicy bits from J. Bisset. With her assertion that nothing was happening on the set, and then your sly comment about the timing of the Brangelina immaculate conception...call me wacky, but could Toothy Tile be Brad Pitt?
Columbus, Ohio

Dear Mistaken:
Sorry, sweetie, but T2 ain't B Pitt. Think younger and less (officially) attached.

June 26 2006

One Tush-Taboo Blind Vice

Toothy Tile, per usual, is in not just in considerable company, but in esteemed sexually inhibited company. But first I've got to get something off my chest (or rump, as it were):

Why are American men so damn afraid of their butts? Gay and straight, mind you. Damn, tons of my hetero girlfriends tell me they so much as sneak a little, manicured index finger toward the boyfriend's derriere and wham, that little digital mission gets shut down somethin' pronto!

Not so every male in Hollywood (or the world, mind you). That's fer sure. Take Wave Ridden, for ince. He keeps putting out these simple-minded movies (which, nevertheless, keep earning sizable bucks at the box office) all while pretending to trot around a girlfriend, but she holds that position in name only, I assure you.

W.R.'s preferred position is the one Ang Lee infamously afforded us in that Brokeback Mountain pup-tent love scene. Be it with a guy providing the real-life anatomical McCoy or a gal with the synthetic-molded version.

Too funny: Wave, a dude who's really much less charming than is our beloved Toothy, even picks up his equal-opportunity partners in the most plebian of places: mall parking lots, busy Hollywood streets, drugstores--less so fancy-schmancy Hell-Ay parties. Now Toothy would love to (and does) have sex at any of the previous places, mind you. The difference? Toothy only does the deed with his slightly snotty b-f; never a stranger, please.

Where does the salacious subterfuge end? How much longer can Wave, who's aging okay (for now), keep up this stupid sound-bite parade with his perky pretend honey?

Friggin' forever, if you ask this jaded goss. I mean, Toothy'll be on the cover of The Advocate, officially declaring his hunky homo-ness, by the time Wave gives up his predictable posing. So boring, really.

And it ain't - George Clooney, Eddie Murphy, or Christian Slater

July 3, 2006

Dear Ted:
Heather Graham is one hot babe. Maybe not very smart. But hot. Looks good in anything. By the way, are you gay?

Dear Captain Obvious:
No, I just spend inordinate amounts of time writing cute little boxes about outfits and bad hairdos. Let's say I'm no more gay than Toothy Tile.

July 13, 2006

Who are the real Couples? Natalie Portman & Jake Gyllenhaal: Not!

Why? Though the brawny bro has been hangin’ around Natty for a while now, from beach-bummin’ strolls to lunchin’ in New Yawk, flowers in tow, there ain’t nothin’ bloomin’ there! The all-American humdrums have been good friends for several years, even tracing back to the start of the on-again, off again Dunst days. Besides, Jakie-boy’s heart is taken, and not by N.P.

Shelf-life: Doomed ‘n’ down for the romance count, but with an enduring friendship like theirs, Nat and Jake still have love for each othah!

July 18, 2006

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile is Lance Bass, isn't it? Woo-hoo! I can finally stop obsessing!
Laurene P.-
Rockledge, Florida

Dear Ef-Hell-Ay Off:
Nope, ain't L.B. Whatever makes you think so, my love? Think far better highlights.

August 1, 2006

Dear Ted:
Finally, our gossip prayers are answered! Toothy Tile has come out of the closet! I should have guessed that Toothy was Lance Bass--I mean, he was in a boy band. Now, if I could only figure out who Slurpa Pop-Off is. I think it is Lindsay--please tell me that I am right.
Amanda B.S.
Los Angeles

Dear Out of Sync:
Lance ain't Toothy, dear. Think far sexier and talented. Slurpa ain't L.L., either. But in this case, think, uh, less gifted. By far

August 7, 2006

Dear Ted:
Could Lance Armstrong and Matt McConaughey be playing more than just bongos? Are we ready for "Mance"?
Heidi Hingham

Dear Moniker Maven:
America's not, but I sure as hell am.

August 8, 2006

Dear Ted:
Now that Lance Bass has outed himself as Toothy Tile, who will you harass next into outing themselves?
M. Popova

Dear Deluded:
You need to reread the columns. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Lance Bass ain't Toothy. He wishes! Be still my closeted heart!

Dear Ted:
I like to read your column. You show little blips of your good heart in all the right places but not too much. Albeit without the moniker, I've wondered for years...is Toothy Tile Aaron Eckhart?
Little Rock

Dear Cruel to Be Kind:
Nice try. Like a good bum-licking was gonna ferret out a Blind Vice answer from moi. Not even close, but thanks just the same!

Dear Ted:
I finally figured it out. Toothy Tile is Ricky Martin. But you won't tell me if I'm right, will you?
Linda Chesney
Yardley, Pennsylvania

Dear Bonbon Brain:
Uh, that would be oui, with a cherry on top. Not R.M.

August 10, 2006

Boys Who Stray Together

The couple that vacays together, stays together, right? Certainly seems to be the case for Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong who are tighter than Madge's tush these days. The toned twosome hit Miami this week for some fun 'n' sun, minus Jake Gyllenhaal, who had completed the hottie trifecta until recently. Wonder why Jakey-poo ain't hangin' no more?

Just a hunch, but somethin' tells me three's a crowd when the dudes go trollin' for gals. Sure, Jake's the perfect partner for marathon bike rides and beach jogs. He seems so wholesome and encouraging, doncha think? But it seems like he's always MIA for the night-nooky portion of the festivities. Maybe he got sick of playing wingman to Mance, the assiduously horny duo? Or is Jake just not down with trying to bed a different babe every night o' the week?

For whatevah reason, Jakey was left home when Mance jetted to Miami and hit up Sky Bar on a freakin' Monday night.

August 26, 2006

Dear Ted:
You are never going to read my emails (all 55 of them), but I have a guess as to the mutual love of D. Spade and H. Locklear, besides the L'Oréal Preference for "blondes." I think it is Botox. Oh, and is Toothy Tile Kiefer Sutherland?
Rita Abney
St. Louis

Dear Mass Mailer:
D.S. 'n' H.L.'s fave pastime definitely redoes somethin', but it ain't their faces, doll. And T2 is far purtier than Mr. S., no offense.

September 6, 2006

Matchmakers 'n' Big Fakers

Kate Bosworth and Orlando Bloom say sayonara, while Tom Cruise makes nice at a most opportune time. Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo play coy for the cameras, but guess who I'd love seein' Jake Gyllenhaal with?

On to Jake Gyllenhaal, who's supposedly dating this starlet or that (Natalie Portman, some folks even think!), but what I hope for Jake is nuthin' but one Us Weekly-glorified beach romping with Mance. Don't you think they'd just make the most perf ménage à tabloid, pec-torially speaking, 'course?

I mean, those would be some massive pics you could spit out a good deal of morning java salivating over, right, girlfriends?

September 14, 2006

Oy Boys!

Kittens, dude-diva dirt to get to, but first, remember how I said last week I'd love nothing more than to see Jake Gyllenhaal hangin' out with Mance again? Well, seems my hideously horny prayers were answered.

My fave (and yours too, I know) threesome hit my very own home state for the UT football game against Ohio State. Too much mahnly fun...but ain't it so freakin' tragic that those Longhorns lost? I'm just cryin' into my sugar-free Red Bull over here, as I'm sure the boys were.

Anyhow, I hear that J&L&M crashed at Matty's Austin pad while doin' their sweaty thang in Texas. No word on whether they trolled the Sixth Street bars searchin' for some southern-lass ass like they love to do in Hell-Ay, but Lance and Jake were spotted peepin' the Gnarls Barkley concert at Stubb's.

No Matt-man in sight! What gives?

And it just so happens that Matt's on the list all by his lonesome for the same invite-only show Friday night. Could Lance be auditioning Jakey as a possible replacement right-hand man? 'Cause back before this Tejas trip, M.M. was spotted leavin' lunch with none other than ex amore Penélope Cruz at Madeo in Bev Hills, leadin' some to suspect a romance reunion.

Quelle horreur! Maybe Lance is worried about losing his main partner in chica-crazed crime?

Really though, he shouldn't be getting his feathers ruffled yet, as Penélope swore she and Matty are "just friends" while doin' press for her new flick Volver.

Whew! (That exclamatory sigh is complete with knowledge from yours truly that the aforementioned statement is, for a change, entirely accurate.)

Plus, Jake isn't a one-BFF-only type of guy himself. The popular dude stepped out on his own pre-Texas trip too, fetchin' coffee with former costar Austin Nichols in Bev Hills.

And I think it'd be a good idea for Lance to follow in Matt and Jake's friendly footsteps and reach out to someone from his own past. Why doesn't he take his former bitchin' old lady Sheryl Crow out to lunch for old times' sake? (Don't think it might not happen.)

I did just adore them together, and I'm almost reaching my Mance maximum these days, if you can believe it. They're becoming as overexposed as Lindsay Lohan's nether regions recently.

September 19, 2006

Dear Ted:
How transparent is it that the Academy has invited an out lesbian to host its awards show the year after they pissed off so many gay people by denying Brokeback Mountain the Best Picture Oscar?

Dear Paranoid:
Darlin', you're givin' these gals 'n' guys in the Academy boardroom too much credit, I assure you.

September 25, 2006

Bullet Boys

Toothy Tile, my fave closeted actor (and yours, too, judging by all the friggin' Websites I hear are devoted to the oft shy lad) has yet again broken up with his b-f, I'm told by mutual amigos. And, no, Toothy is not Keanu Reeves, as so many folks keep asking me--over and over and over. Hey, isn't K.R. still busy discussing movie deals with David Geffen? Or is that Seann William Scott (such the cutie-patootie) and D.G.?

Nah, as some of you already know, mega-rich, mega-connected D.G. only has eyes, 'course, for conquering the Los Angeles Times and Paramount Pictures. Good luck, Davey-poo!

Can Seann 'n' Keanu star in a remake of Titanic, should you prevail over at Paramount?

Just asking.

Oh, back to Tooth, who's a genuinely talented guy. Trouble is, Mr. T.'s hunky man-friend got pretty sick of having sex only in public places, which, apparently, is the only locale that gets Toothy's locomotive going. So predictable, really.

I mean, leave it to an actor to always want an audience.

Boudoirs, bathtubs and backyard petunia beds are boring? I certainly don't think so. But in honor of Toothy's tragic little occurrence (and I mean that), I propose a moment of silence before...my latest poll!

Readers, let me ask: What's the most exciting, nontraditional place you've gotten it on, and would you like to make that locale a regular occurrence?

Hugh Grant, if you're online, yes, we would most welcome your input, so don't be shy, boyfriend!

September 29, 2006

Last Monday, I was blabbing on about how Toothy Tile's b-f dumped him because the poor boy just got so damn sick and tired with Tooth-babe always wanting to do it in public, never in their damn bed. Now, Toothy (who, let me say, yet again, is not Keanu Reeves or even Tom Cruise), the famous actor who's apparently thisclose to coming out, is, I'm afraid to report, back to being thisclose to abso-friggin'-lutely never coming outta the closet.

See, not only does T.T. so adore his fairly new, huge-butt fame (and doesn't want to see it dissipate), he likes his nooky on the dirty side: naughty and devilish, hence, Tooth's preference for getting it on, dangerously, where he might get caught. La Boyfriend got fed with this predictable kinkiness and bolted, as I reported. But when I did pass this public poop along, I asked you, La Reader, where was the weirdest place you copulated, and if you were so inclined to go for a repeat performance.

You know, sorta like how Kirsten Dunst reportedly revealed (but later denied by the star's chastising rep) to London's News of the World, when she was surmising why she and that hunky stud-puff, Jake Gyllenhaal, couldn't last:

"We tried to spice things up--we had sex in the bathroom and even by the sea."

Well, Ms. D., all I have to say is you have plenty of company, both celeb and otherwise. I mean, the response from Awful-ites to my query was overwhelming, as big as my hair used to be! Feedback was enormous, real Jeff Probst-size stuff, to be sure. That scintillatingly said, I now give you--interspersed with daring do-me confessions from the more celebrated--what all you game gals 'n' guys like to do with the lights not only on--but on you!

October 3, 2006

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile and his b-f were the only Hollywood couple to interest me since Bogie and Bacall. It's sad to hear they're off, at the moment. Can you give us better news of Crisp Lisp and his guy, by way of comfort?
Barbara K.
New York

Dear Romantic Fart:
What boyfriend? Not even straight people are loyal in this horny badass-ville.

October 10, 2006

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile has got to be Jeremy Piven. Right?
Jane Sanders
San Antonio

Dear Deluded:
uh, wrong, sweetums. Think taller, sexier, younger.

October 11, 2006

Back in the (public) saddle

I think you all know the answer to that one. Sorta like asking whether or not Toothy Tile will ever come out. Oh, and on that sorry-ass note, gotta tell ya the latest.

I swear, us 'mos can be worse than you hets. I base this hugely unsearched stance on the breaking news that Toothy T., quelle surprise, has re-re-reunited himself with his good-looking b-f. I suppose I should be happy, as so few gay couples make it these days, and if you think I'm going to wink to Lance Opportunist and Reichen Bigger Opportunist here, think again.

No word yet as to whether or not T2 is curbing his sexual appetite for doing it every which way publicly. I've just been told by mutual amigos that Tooth's partner--after much begging by the in-the-closet movie star--has taken his reticent love back. Again.

Good to know it's not just the gals who are fools for the guys.

October 12, 2006

All that, plus an deliciously naughty new Blind Vice for ya, babes, featuring your fave: Toothy!...

"That's a wrap!"

--Yours Truly, about E! Online's old-school design, babycakes. Come Monday, help me ring in the redazzled redo, along with yet another Blind Vice installment, 'kay? (That includes you, Mr. Tile!)

October 19, 2006

That Toothy Tile. He just lives to push the fagola envelope, love that about the young acting hunk! (And I know you do, too.)

Now, quite frankly, T2's latest man-on-man moves far outshine his recent movie choices; though, that's an arguable statement at best—I just don't go fer this hetero image Mr. T. is busy trying to push over on his ever loyal, hapless, ticket-buying fans.

But we'll just leave that li'l bit o' politically incorrect poo-pooing and get straight, as it were, to the attempted wild sex in the back of the limousine, 'kay? Thought you might agree...

Oh, gawd, I am getting old. I'm confusing all these closeted fruits into one big ass-banging aspic! So, sorry. It was Jiggly Wiggle-Poof who pounced—quite stupidly, I might add—on his so-not-gay limo driver while out promoting his supersuccessful boob-tube show in some hick state. And let's just say what went down was not at all what Jiggly had in mind (something bruised, not blushing).

Also, there's hope, I want you all to know, for Mr. Tile's movie career. Dare I say some of his future film projects are looking up, because, uh, how can I put this? T.T. has decided to start sleeping with better-looking people now to get his future projects—is that being too crass about it all?

In other words, for T.T.'s next 40-foot-wide job, Tooth-doll not only seduced the man who would decide the whole-deal shebang (it's sort of a studly adventure story, in so many ways), he now shares cocaine, hotel suites and party favors with the bigwig. Isn't that sweet when one can stay bestest amigos with one's ladder-climbing bed partners?

Warms my jaded-ass heart.

And it ain’t: Danny Bonaduce, Isaiah Washington, Josh Duhamel

November 2, 2006

Three Envelope-Dangling Blind Vices Blind Spot

Is it the upcoming holiday season, or is our lovely assortment of trim-waisted (and closeted) H-town fruitcakes getting increasingly mistletoe-ready in public 'cause they're getting closer and closer to officially coming out? (As if anybody left in the free world doesn't friggin' know who these cavorting fagolas are.)

First off, our fave, and top tumescent dawg, Toothy Tile: T2 was just caught at a fancy-ass New Yawk restaurant playing footsie with the b-f underneath the table. Right in front of Tooth's 'rents! And the busboys! Not to mention a few (thank gawd) Awful Truth readers, too fun. Tooth-doll, makes sense, as I hear you're getting thisclose to superdomesticating things with your most benevolently forgiving man. What, getting tired of the doin'-it-in-the-parking-lot scene, T-man? Regardless, congrats!

Even more daring would be Renaldo Rim-Me, who's now holding hands with his main hombre in myriad Starbucks and quasi-posh dance clubs across the nation. What-ev.

But really, the more intriguing of our on-the-edge homo report this week involves Matinee Mooner, who's about as discreet with his homosexuality as Star Jones Reynolds is with her temper. Yet in between screwing his latest male conquest in myriad semipublic locales (takes after Toothy, this one), Mr. Mooner took time out to plug his almost heady career, stopping over for a little couch chat with Oprah, and seduced her so in the process.

Not on camera (or behind), mind you, M2 just sorta got his pearlie jobs all sparkling fer the talented broad, and it was no secret Ms. O. was rather smitten.

Must explain why, then, some important members of O.'s team subsequently made it quite plain to a visiting friend of theirs, a little later on, that Matinee was, like, "so gay." This announcement by the big O.'s pro campers came right after their innocent little amiga proclaimed her smitten-ness for M.M.

Jeez, Moon-babe. When the nation's most powerful boob-tube movers 'n' shakers are busy spreading your boy-on-boy biz, I'd say that 9-to-5 gig of yours might be coming to a halt. Or at least a bit o' a slow down.

Just a hunch, nothing more.

Have fun, all you handsome horn dogs!

And It Ain't: Leonardo DiCaprio, Will Smith, Wilmer Valderrama

November 7, 2006

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile has got to be Dane Cook. What do you say?

Dear Confident Chica:
I say, No way, hon! Think much better projects that don't involve schtupping his blond, buxom costars.

Dear Ted:
Greetings from here in the mountains of Tennessee! Yeehaw and all that. I dream of Cali every day and can't wait to move. Anyway, please tell me I am right when I say Mario Lopez is Toothy Tile.
Clair Bear
Johnson City, Tennessee

Dear Southern Sistah:
Only if you please tell me that isn't your real name. Can't do it? Shucks, then neither can I! So far off! (Both projects- and looks-wise.)

November 14, 2006

Dear Ted:
If any of the "cavorting fagolas" do come out of their designer closets, will you then let us know who they are? Let's say Toothy Tile decides to swing in the New Year by announcing he's gay. Would your next column pronounce said celeb as Toothy Tile, or will we be left forever guessing? Just wondering.

Dear Det. Bold-Her:
Like an aging actress in H-town, I rarely reveal my tricks. Nicole Kidman’s puss, anybody? But on occasion, I take pity, and you can bet your taut bippy I’ll fess Tooth’s identity when he does.

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile must be Josh Lucas.
Columbia, North Carolina

Dear Char Star:
And you must be outta your gourd, girlfriend! Think, uh, slightly less gal-divining.

Dear Ted:
I've got it! Toothy Tile has got to be Matthew Perry!
Akron, Ohio

Dear Deluded:
You’re mistaken, hon. Toothy is sexier (mucho), younger (mucho mucho) and stars on the big, not small, screen.

Dear Ted:
You and your column are divine! Listen, I think Toothy Tile is Neil Patrick Harris. What does toi say about that? C'est vrai, n'est-ce pas?
Torrance, California

Dear Wrong Divination:
Think you can butter me up with French as bad as mine? Nice try! In any case, T2 ain’t N.P.H., far from it. Wrong genre, bod and, most importantly, hairdo.

December 4, 2006

Dear Ted:
My guess for Toothy Tile is Ryan Reynolds.
Podunk, Indiana

Dear So Close:
Really, darling, even though Toothy ain't the mucho handsome Mr. R., the only thing off here, really, would be Reynolds' heterosexuality (damn that bitch Alanis) and, um, the caliber of R2's pro resume. Many, many other similarities, otherwise.

December 7, 2006

One Disgustingly Delirious Blind Vice

Oh, that Jiggly Wiggle-Poof sure is a talented girlfriend! Sure enough, just as I winked a few weeks ago, our parking-lot Lothario, Toothy Tile, is becoming sickeningly domesticated with his sweet, if not chastising, b-f, so we can't look to Mr. T. for our naughty-time tuchus terrorizing—at least, not right now. But one can hope, right?

Meantime, the pooftah-outta-control award goes to the hugely untalented Mistah Wiggle-Poof. I mean, if this joker actually put into his career the dastardly effed-up scheming he applies to his loin activities, the dude would have an Emmy in less time than it takes to trim his scrotum so expertly.

Speaking of balls, guess where Jiggly's been putting his little ones? Are you ready for the shocker o' the week? J.W.-P.'s been screwing not just elder, almost homely geezers (no, not me, you bitchy snitchies) but...a woman. Quelle horreur!

Hey, not that there's anything wrong with nooky involving the female sex (I think it's simply adorable, used to do it plenty!), it's just that I happen to be hyperaware Mr. W.-P.'s not inclined that way—at all.

Apparently, said woman who got boffed by J.W.-P. knows it was for appearance's sake, as it were, 'cause when I asked her how J.W.-P.'s performance was, she answered:


"Any good?" I pressed.

"Well, I was," she replied, deadpan. "But I think he kept looking for something between my legs that wasn't there."

Hmmm. Nasty. Did Jiggle think the number to People's editorial office was tucked away in this poor babe's privates?

And it ain’t: Taye Diggs, Josh Duhamel, Jerry O’Connell

Dear Ted:
I've been reading about your secret Toothy Tile Blind Vice for a long time now. But I think you need to dish more on Toothy's good-lookin' boyfriend. What's so hot about him that makes Toothy take his pants off?
Los Angeles

Dear Desire Down Below:
In a word? Naïveté. Tooth's man actually thinks they can have a normal life together, and Toothy simply adores him for it!

December 12, 2006

See, it's time to announce the winners of our Baby Booty Giveaway! Now, the competition was fierce, g-friends—we had over 1,000 Awful-ites email us their two cents on just how, exactly, Brit should bounce back. And seems she's taken some steps of her own: On her Website, she thanks God for Victoria's Secret panties and promises she's workin' on some new beats. And just this weekend she dyed her locks black and stepped out with new guy J.R. Rotem.

But, yo, if Brit really wants to make a serious splash, she should follow our randy readers' advice. Without further ado, here are the fab winners!

The awful Truth Honorable mention: Tod Rambeck, Seattle

"Simple! Announce her undying love and engagement to Toothy Tile."

Good one, Todd-babe! But somehow, I don't think Toothy would be wooed by Brit's never-ending gum-snapping ways, despite the very obvious allusion to other impressive jaw-juggling activities.

Thanks, everybody! This here's an annual event—I can smell it!

December 18, 2006

Dear Ted:
Duh—it finally occured to me yesterday, Toothy Tile can't be anyone other than Matt Dillon. Am I right or am I right? I never see him attached to anyone, and who can forget his "falsies" in There's Something About Mary?
Pleasanton, California

Dear Ice Cold:
Are you wrong or are you wrong! Girlfriend, you're so off. Think younger, slightly cuter.

December 19, 2006

Dear Ted:
You were the only one out there who didn't buy into Vaughniston. Could it be...is it possible...is there a chance that Vince Vaughn is (gasp) Toothy Tile and the whole (very strange) romance was as phony as the New York settings on Friends? Or am I knocking on the wrong closet door?
Princeton, New Jersey

Dear Closet Case:
Hon, our beloved Toothy has never dated Jennifer Aniston.

Dear Ted:
The light finally dawned—there is no Toothy Tile! He is a composite, right? Methinks it was partly Neil Patrick, Lance and T.R., and after their outings recently, Toothy had to morph into something else. 'Tis sad to have reached this conclusion, but methinks 'tis true. Please tell me I am wrong! (And if I am, give us a new clue to chew on.)

Dear You Thinks Wrong:
Darling, I promise, Toothy does indeed exist—and he is one divine dude.

Dear Ted:
Thanks for the glimpse into what makes Toothy's b-f tick. He's quickly becoming as interesting as Toothy himself. I think perhaps b-f deserves a name! Or at least tell us more about him.

Dear Itchin' for Info:
I'll give you this: He is quite the charming fellah and well equipped, if not a tad on the prissy side. But isn't that always the way with most studmuffins?

January 1, 2007

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile is Matt Damon. Easy one.
Indianapolis, Indiana

Dear Ain't Easy:
You wish (me, too, sometimes). Think, uh, slightly less celebrated.

January 5, 2007

One Gay-Acting Playacting Blind Vice

Now, superfamous Manfred He-Man, I must tell you, is far more hopeful and genuine (for whatever that's worth) in his private homo life. Got a good man beside him, just like our fave closeted hunk, Toothy Tile. And even though Manfred does, just like Tooth, dream from time to time about the very real possibility of coming out and keeping his day job in homo-hating 'Merica—as Dubya says, so adoringly—he's trying to convince producers of one of his upcoming flicks to let him sorta do it...slowly.

In other words, via one of the characters Manfred's soon playing, who's even studlier than the reportedly wholly hetero He-Man.

"He wants this character to have a scene where he tries gay sex," poops a source close to M.H.-M.'s production goings-on. "He thinks that might help pave the way for him, privately, later on."

Whatever works for ya, boyfriend!

Gosh, I wonder if Toothy, the grande dame of on-the-verge fruits, has thought of such a calculating celluloid plan himself?

Yeah, I think so. Think he quashed it, in the end.

And it ain’t: Matt Damon, Matthew McConaughey, Matt Dillon

January 11, 2007

One Kids ‘R’ us Blind Vice

Awards season is officially here, so what exactly gets stars like Halle Berry and Eva Longoria through the über-busy season? They dish on their number one necessities! And what’s Toothy Tile thinkin’ of taking home with him? Here’s a hint: It isn't an award...

Congrats are in order! Guess what? I hear our fave hubba-hubba, humpy homo in T-town, Toothy Tile, is seriously considering making things super-domesticated with his equally homosational b-f. And no, I don't mean the gorgeous closeted (albeit permanently, it seems) actor is getting a new puppy or Cuisinart.

Hear ol' T2 is thinking about helping his man-friend adopt something, uh, more...complex. As in a human (aren't we all?). Meaning, a baby! Too sweet!

I could just cry (since Ellen D. left me on the verge yesterday, ya know) with happiness!

Couldn't all you hard-asses at home weep with me, too?

Yeah, right—wouldn't hurt for you malcontents to soften up a bit, but whatever.

You all going for a boy or a girl, Mr. Tooth?

And if he or she turns out to be gay, like you, and if he or she wants to become a mucho-talented performer, also like you, Daddy Toothy, I declare, I do wonder what advice you'd offer the kiddo? Hmmm. What could it be?

Stay away from the Biz, altogether, I wonder?

And it ain’t: George Clooney, Clay Aiken, John Stamos

January 16, 2007

Dear Ted:
Why are there so many closeted fellahs out there in H'wood? Isn't L.A. supposed to be more enlightened toward that end? Even down south here, we seem way more accepting than the H'wood Industry. Reverential Ricardo from One Heaping Blind Vice with a Man on the Side actually pays someone to stay and be his gay lover? Pffft. Lame.
Charleston, South Carolina

Dear Pffftootah:
Yep, can ya believe it? First, R2's afraid of losing his income—just ask Billie Jean King, George Michael or Boy George, if you have any questions about that one (and they weren't even in the damn movie biz!). More accurately, R2 hates himself for what he is, quite unlike our darling Toothy Tile

January 23, 2007

Bumpy Broads!

Does Jake Gyllenhaal have a big-screen opportunity for his drag-lovin’ ways comin’ at him? Just ask Dreamgirls’ Jennifer Hudson, ya might be surprised!

1- When I asked Best Supporting Actress winner Jennifer Hudson (for Dreamgirls) what she thought of Jake Gyllenhaal's impersonation of her on Saturday Night Live, she replied:

A. "Oh, girl, he’s not foolin’ nobody."

B. "Oh, I thought he was doing Lance Bass."

C. "Uh, he’s got promise, I suppose."

D. "Maybe I’ll get him a job in the sequel."

January 24, 2007

Dear Ted:
Love your column. I'm guessing Toothy Tile is Jamie Foxx. Am I close?
New Albany, Ohio

Dear Ice-Old:
You guessed wrong, my friend. So off. Think younger, nicer and less awarded.

January 25, 2007

Even though Djimon Hounsou’s performance certainly deserved recognition (Mr. H. got a Best Supporting job, natch), the movie (Blood Diamond) , otherwise, was as boring as waiting for Toothy Tile to come out of the closet, already!


"I wish there was a possibility of a sequel."

—Dreamgirls producer Larry Mark to yours truly, when I asked what he thought of Jennifer Hudson's thoughts on putting Jake Gyllenhaal into the next big-girl, big-hair flick about the Motown legends

January 30, 2007

It's time to dish on who'd make the sexiest Missus Gyllenhaal

Dear Ted:
What do you think about Jake Gyllenhaal and Jennifer Hudson as a couple? I would love to see that!

Dear Crazy:
Love, love, love! Let's call their agents ASAP and set up lunch! A picnic at the beach, perhaps?

February 6, 2007

The GumShoe Replies Have It

Dear Ted:
Thanks to you, I no longer have aha moments, à la Oprah. I now think purely in Tedisms. Case in point, my New Year's resolution is to find Toothy Tile. Yesterday, while flipping through remote cable channels, I saw a really bad 1982 move starring Kate Jackson. Her husband, a doctor, was leading a double life in L.A. at gay bars. His first fling: Harry Hamlin! Harry was actually very good, maybe too good. They had several kissing and bed scenes. Is Harry Toothy?

Dear Tooth Sleuth:
Sorry, dollface, but you're not even close. Tooth would never do Dancing with the Stars, trust…He's a serious artist, only.

Dear Ted:
Please tell me you are watching Dirt on FX! They must read your column to get their storylines! Anyway, they have Grant Show as this great action hero with a great family but who is secretly gay. Can you say Toothy Tile? By the way, is it Justin Timberlake?
St. Louis

Dear Dude Digger:
Dirt is brilliant, your guess at T2 is not. Think far less multitalented—outside a parking lot, that is.

February 11, 2007

Tree Hugger

Oh, before we get to Grammys (tomorrow) this 'n' grumpy that (reader mail, today), thought you might like to know that—according to mucho well-placed peeps—Ellen DeGeneres was never much into her ex's show, Men in Trees. You know, that offering from fickle paramour picker Anne Heche. Well, things change.

"Get me that whole season on DVD, now!" Ms. D. is said to have uttered, shortly after all that off-camera partner exchanging took place on the ABC series. "Now that Anne's switched Coley [Laffoon] for James [Tupper]," whispered a chum superclose to the gal-lovin' gal, "Ellen's totally into watching the show."

Oh, I know how Ellen feels. I had the exact same dynamic working somewhere between my noggin and my crotch when I went to see Brokeback Mountain. Was dying to see how much real-life, way-out lovin' there was to soak up 'n' salivate over. Between Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams, course.

Dear Ted:
I just saw you on Winona Ryder: The E! True Hollywood Story. Your skin looks especially great! Anyway, I, too, have been obsessed with Toothy Tile and have been trying to fine-tune my gaydar. Some thoughts: Oprah—gay? As for Toothy, dare I say the obvious—Brad Pitt? He's way friendly with George Clooney (who I'd bet a million is gay).
Cape Cod, Massachusetts

Dear Nosy in New England:
Thanks for the complexion compliment, but you can't bum-lick your way to the top, dollface! (Not in Awfulville, at least.) As far as I know, Toothy Tile's still very much in the closet. Give it time. Brad is—so I hear—straight as a stick. Who wouldn't wanna be, with a gal like Angelina? As for Clooney and Oprah, I suppose the Toothy test of time will tell, but ya know Oprah's denied she's that way, and George, well George lives for turning up in bed with guys on the Oscars, right? Wonder why?

February 26, 2007

Steve Carell goes (big-screen) same sex and tries to lasso himself up some Jake Gyllenhaal love!

Gotta get to that award-winning bitchiness from you emailing Awful readers, I know, but first more Oscar gab, par-tick regarding that red carpet cowboy, Steve Carell, who played the gay uncle in Little Miss Sunshine:

"Am I the Jake Gyllenhaal of this year?" S.C. asked, all Brokeback Mountain breathy. "I will go on record as saying that I am, indeed, that. Except I am not as good-looking and not as young and studly. I will wear that as a badge of honor for the rest of the night."

Indeed, Mr. Cee did—but just like Jakey-poo the year he was nominated, S.C.’s Little-movie-that-could ended up not winning in its nominated category, Best Pic.

Dear Ted:
When you say Brokeback Mountain is to you what Men in Trees is to Ellen DeGeneres, are you saying you had an affair with Jake Gyllenhaal? It's so sad to ask this, and I know I won't be answered!
Buenos Aires, Argentina

Dear Cowboy Curious:
Darling, I only wish I had lassoed Jakey’s chaps before I met my own pup-tent partner, J.P.! What I meant is that I was curious to see how the sparks would fly, onscreen, between real-life lovers Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams in said flick. 'Cause there certainly was zero chemistry between then married duo Tom Cruise and Nic Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut, remember?

March 1, 2007

Steve Carell sure did mean it when he said (as I reported Monday) He was all about being the Jake Gyllenhaal of the Oscars this year, meaning he was "honored" to have played gay in Little Miss Sunshine, just as did Gyllenhaal in Brokeback Mountain. But look, Carell's still going on, days after the fact, about how damn excited he was to meet Leo DiCaprio, and if that isn't so friggin' gay-esque, this fruit doesn't know what is.

Down in the Dumps? Jake Gyllenhaal’s fashion has us frowning,

Hottie or Nottie: SORTA NOTTIE!

Jake, Jake, Jake. Doll-stud, you've let us down. In the past, you've been so humpably white-hot, no matter whatever goofwear you chose to attach to your smokin' bod (totally doable guys almost always pull off dorky outfits with aplomb). Now, you're lookin' goofy, in addition to appearing as if you've just put on one of the old clunky outfits Demi made Ashton trash, once they hooked up and decided to become king and queen of tabloid trendsetting threads. Why, Jake, why? Your abs are some of the best in the skin-skinny biz—why the ef are you covering them up so? Can't that newly red carpet-addicted sis of yours slap some fashion sense into you, already? Oh, you'd like that, would ya? (Hey, I say go ahead and wham your bro silly, Maggie—at least it'll help shake up that poodle coif he has shellacked to his skull.)

March 5, 2007

All in the Fagola Fam

Oh, as long as we're on Gay Watch for that Oscar-nominated woman who's about to come out of the proverbial closet, as I told you about last week (à la, waiting all those years for Oprah to declare her same-sex-ness—which she never did, in fact she denied it), let's do...Baby Watch! And for the boys, too!

"See, I'm told one of my fave on-the-verge self-proclaimed gay actors is thisclose, after much papa-esque powwowing, to adopting a kid with his b-f. Congrats, you two! Will all this familial frolicking happen in time to share B-days with Naomi Watt's toddler-to-be? Too much fun in the crib-side sun!"

Dear Ted:
I am obsessed with Toothy Tile and his identity. After much researching, aligning, correlation and astrological inputting, I know that it is David Schwimmer! Due to libel laws, you won't be able to confirm or deny, but we both know the truth.
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

Dear Foolish Friend:
Or should I call you the mad scientist? Take your aligning and correlation to the science lab, honey, 'cause you are veddy far off.

March 12, 2007

Dear Ted:
Jake Gyllenhaal—Sorta Nottie? I don't care what he wears or how his hair is. Don't even try to say you'd kick him outta bed!
Long Beach, California

Dear Jake-Jonesin' Jenny:
I never said I would kick that scrumdiddlieumptious hunk o’ man-meat outta my bed, only that he looked par-tick fuggish that day.

March 16, 2007

Mystery Mayhem

Which bachelor movie star’s thisclose to becoming a daddy, and what the hell’s up with the Bushes' badass domestic ways, huh? Know you’re on the edge of your Macs for that last one, but hang on, and let’s dish detective time in Blind Friday, wacky woo-hoo!

Stork Stirrings

Since it's Blind Friday, thought I'd also give you the latest on Toothy Tile. Hear he's not really planning on adopting a kiddo, as I previously broke a few weeks ago. Nope. I was—gasp!—wrong.

Turns out T2, so blab our mutual amigos, plans on swirling up his love juice, right alongside his boyfriend's procreating protein, ya know, putting it in some kinda beaker or toaster, or something, and mixing it around with a donor's eggs, then putting the results into yet another donor to carry the resulting embryo.

The plan is, Boyfriend Tile will then, legally (and far, far away from pokin' press types like yours truly) be listed as papa—when, in fact, our beloved Tooth just may be the correct daddio.

Oh, the lengths scaredy-cat cats will go to in order to cover up their preferred meowing ways. So damn silly. Why the hell can't the dudes be more like roarin' hons such as Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels, spouses and partners who are proud of whom they purr 'n' poke at?

March 19, 2007

Dear Ted:
Got a guess for Toothy Tile—Gerard Butler. Thought the toothy reference was to his stint as Dracula in Wes Craven's flick, and you also mentioned T.T. had a new action flick coming along. I hope I'm wrong, since he is great eye candy, and a hetero gal has to think she has some chance in hell!
Tokyo, Japan

Dear Boo-Hoo:
Fret not, my pet! That hunka-hunka burnin’ love piece o’ matinee-meat ain’t G.B. Think scrawnier and more Oscar-worthy.

March 26, 2007

Dear Ted:
Why do you always talk about stars being gay? Why do all homosexuals think everyone else is in the closet? I am fully supportive of anyone's sexual preference, to each his own, but I think your view that, like, 90 percent of Hollywood is gay or cross-dressing is a bit far-fetched.
Newport Beach, California

Dear Numerically Naive:
Oh, doll, your numbers are so off—it’s not 90 percent, 50-50 is more like it: Half are gay, the other half just haven’t told their publicists yet.

Dear Ted:
Has Toothy Tile or any of the other Blind Vicers ever indicated to you that he knows you're talking about him (as in, "Write anything more, Casablanca, and you'll never Awful-speak again")?

Dear Blind on the Mind:
Yes, Toothy knows he’s Toothy. And he’s proud of it! (Quelle surprise.)

April 5, 2007


Jake Gyllenhaal sports Spandex again, as he bikes with bud Austin Nichols. (Was Lance Armstrong unavailable, or somethin', busy with that new g-f of his?)

I like how the boys use protection—as you can see, their helmets are firmly strapped to their noggins in case of any nasty accidents...such as unavoidable plowings into paparazzi proboscises. Not many men look good in Lycra, but Jakey is one of the few who can rock this ultraclingy fabric right, in my opinion. Not sure how I feel about the wraparound shades, but I s'pose these sorta Tour de Fake jobs are more practical for said sweatin' sport than those big ol' Nicole Richie bug-eye ones, right?

Oh, and just where do you think these two quasi hunks are pedaling to—Reese Witherspoon's pad, perhaps? But then, according to all those naysayers who are currently bitching to the nines that I'm a out-of-it crack addict who's, like, wholly behind the times on commenting on all things Jake and Reese, I guess I just don't know what I'm talkin' 'bout, do I?

April 9, 2007

Dear Ted:
Is Reese Witherspoon naive? Love your column.
Alejandro, Argentina

Dear Jake Gyllenhaal:
You tell me, darling.

Dear Ted:
What’s your take on the rumored romance of Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal? Is it really a Just Like Heaven or a Cruel Intentions publicity stunt? Jake seems like a nice enough guy, but I can’t imagine him replacing Ryan Phillippe in the Way of the Gun, if you know what I mean.
Walnut Creek, California

Dear Ted:
You're slippin', my man. Why no dirt on the alleged hookup between Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon? Other gossips seem to be talking about it—but if anyone knows what's going on it's you. So, what's up?
Los Angeles

Dear Doubting Debbies:
I haven’t said anything because we’ve yet to see the two of them even snapped together. The proof (on occasion) is in the pics, pumpkin. Right now, it’s all speculation, and it smells a bit Jennifer Aniston-Vince Vaughn to moi.

April 16, 2007

Dear Ted:
With all the recent gay rumors surrounding Shane West, could he be Toothy Tile? If not, give us the scoop. Is he gay?
Montreal, Quebec

Dear Homo Hunter:
I have no idea whatsoever 'bout Shane-hon's boudoir ways—can't say I'm the least bit interested, either. Nice guy, but I feel like I'm in some dorko rocker's basement (and not any kind of nooky environs) every time I see him around.

April 18, 2007


"Settle down, cowboys...and cowgirls.”

Jake Gyllenhaal, surprise presenter to Jen Aniston at the GLAAD Media Awards, makin' the gays (and straights) squeal when he hit the stage. Why are you such a terminally reliable tease, boyfriend?

April 24, 2007

Dear Ted:
Is Jake Gyllenhaal going to break Reese Witherspoon's heart?

Dear Doubtful:
Why ever do you ask, crumb-hon?

April 27 2007

Dear Ted:
You mentioned your Aunt Martha in Thelma Turnip's Blind Vice. My question is this: Does your family know who Toothy Tile is? Mwah!
Dickinson, Texas

Dear Family Ties:
No, nor do they care. My brothers are engineers and insurance salesmen. However, my sisters are just as boy-crazy as I am, but they’ve never asked. Wouldn’t tell ‘em, though!"

May 8, 2007

Dear Ted:
I can't take it anymore. For the love of (insert holy figure here), please, please, resolve a bet between me and BFF about Toothy Tile. Is it James Franco?
Washington, D.C.

Dear Gamblin' Gal:
Hope your moolah wasn’t on James, g-friend, 'cause he ain’t our beloved Toothy. Really, not even close. Think less flashy-moody.

June 1, 2007

Something Smells Dishy

We’ve got oodles more scoop on Lindsay’s second stint in rehab; while Tony Romo spends some quality babe-watching time with Ken Paves...could he have his sights set on Jessica Simpson? And how are Ryan and Reese doing, dating-wise, these days?

Oh, and speaking of golden divorcée-to-be Reese, Us Weekly is breathlessly buzzing about her recent rendezvous with Jake Gyllenhaal...at a doctor’s office in Culver City. Wow...sounds so romantic. To top it off, they reportedly hopped in separate cars afterward. Must be superserious! Maybe for their next highly publicized outing, they’ll go get their taxes done together and then kiss on the beach at Malibu.

Dear Ted:
I love your column; it always makes a boring day better. My guess for Toothy Tile is Adrian Grenier. Has anyone ever guessed correctly on a Blind Vice and have you ever revealed it in a column? Also, congrats to you and your better half.
Springfield, Oregon

Dear Blind Beggar:
Sorry, sunshine, T.T. ain’t A.G. Luckily, you nasty naughties aren’t so good at the guessin’. I drop a name less than Brangelina adopts a kid but more than they have hot sex.

June 5, 2007

Dear Ted:
Please answer yes or no...or maybe. Is Toothy Tile the one and only Mike Myers? By the way, congratulations on your engagement.

Dear Mojo Misfire:
No, and nice try, but our boy Tooth is actually quite doable.

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile...is it Anderson Cooper or David Hyde Pierce? They both fit!
Rowlett, Texas

Dear Teething Texan:
Wrong on both, sweet cheeks. Quite far off, I’m ‘fraid.

Dear Ted:
I think you entirely missed the point about Jake and Reese's trip to the doctor together. There is only one reason that a new couple goes to the doctor together. Think about it. Hint: It rhymes with hex. I never believed the whole Reese-Jake thing—but I definitely do now. Did you hear about their rendezvous in Paris after Jake finished with all his Zodiac stuff at Cannes? Did you see the photos of Reese following Jake's car back to her place?
Los Angeles

Dear Cannes-vinced:
I haven’t heard a thing about Reese in Paris, so no idea what hookup you’re referring to. And like I say, the proof is in the pics. Why haven’t the omnipresent paps managed to get one shot of them together off set if they’re so hot 'n’ heavy?"

June 19 2007

Dear Ted:
I have to say I'm a loyal reader of your column and congratulations on your engagement! Has Jake Gyllenhaal ever appeared in a Blind Vice? And can you please with ice cream and a cherry on top give us more clues as to who Fey Ray is? Thanks so much!
Alexandria, Virginia

Dear Hot for Hints:
Yes on Jakey, and Fey Ray has kids. Happy?

June 22, 2007

Bonus Blind Bonanza!

Okay, just wanna get this outta the way: Now that I've identified two Blind Vices in a row heaps o' Awful Truth readers are writing in demanding to know the identity of Toothy Tile. This ring a bell?

Okay, sugar muffins, the only reason this one's in the Vice section is because until quite recently, Toothy Tile was dating his superpopular, superannoyingly perfect girlfriend. Not boyfriend. Which, if you ask this old gossip whore, is the classification Tile would prefer his significant others be filed under in the very near future.

Mere days ago, while everyone was hooting and complaining about this gown and that host from the Oscars, Tile was right out in the open holding hands with his man in a West Hollywood restaurant—which shall remain nameless...because I love going there and they probably won't serve me anymore if I start outing their customers, ca-friggin'-peesh?

Uh, sure, I'll ID Toothy right way. I'll get straight (as it were) on that one, just so everybody can finally find out who H'wood's most reluctant, closeted rising star happens to be.

Meanwhile, ol' Tooth has two new (sorta) same-sex competitors. One's old, the other's quite young. Ironically, the former's career is far hotter, as we cyber-speak. And, no, I don't mean John Travolta.

Stay right homo here for the secretive gay boys who are beginning to push the, uh, sometimes-purchased envelope much further than Toothy ever dreamed!

June 26, 2007

Dear Ted:
I can't believe Jake Gyllenhaal has been the subject of one of your Blind Vices! I always thought he was the all-American boy next door.
Hartford, Connecticut

Dear Naive:
I don't know about you, but the boys next door to me had freaky skeletons in their closets. "All-American" is a male aberration.

July 3, 2007

Dear Ted:
Can we start asking you 50 questions to figure out who Toothy Tile is? By the time we get to 50, maybe he will finally come out of that moldy closet. Question one: Was he on Dancing with the Stars?

Dear Corral Gal:
Great idea! Shoulda known it would take a snoop from Texas to start something so rad. The answer to your first query is no. T2 is a talented thesp who's way above reality TV, trust.

One Pansy-Pushing Blind Vice

Bulbous Seymour is one fine piece o' man-lovin’ meat. Not a bad actor, either. But Bulbous knows—just like most audiences and H-town execs are aware—that his best talents lie not on the silver screen but in the golden nether regions of B.S.’ impressive bod. Yeah, he’s a stud. And what do studs do best?

Now, before I get too carried away on whatever (or whomever) Bulbous utilizes his heavenly powers for—this Blind Vice ain’t about him. Well, not exactly. See, Mr. Es has been doing what we here at the Awful Truth live for: gossiping about other closeted homosexual movie stars! Too fun for the hard-abbed tum! Delish, darlin's, so let’s get to whom B.S. is blabbin’ ‘bout:

Toothy Tile, natch. You were expecting Gussy 'n' Fussy, perhaps? Like, who cares about those ersatz het jokers anymore? (Not too many folks, I assure ya.) Nah, it’s all about Toothy Tile—and when the hell this gorgeous scaredy-puss is gonna disclose his sexual pref, already—and Bulbous knows this fagola factoid. So much so, he’s been mouthing off at chic Hell-Ay events about just how Toothy isn’t foolin’ anybody.

Well, I beg to differ. Had I been at this one par-tick fancy-schmancy soiree, I would have gladly explained to B.S. that half of Bush’s “Mare-kuh” thinks T.T. is as heterosexual as our current prez. Wait, Bush is straight, isn’t he? Don’t answer that, actually, do not want to go there…

Back to B.S., who’s clearly dying for Toothy’s sexuality to come to the surface so the media will ease off his dubious dame-doin' existence. Uh, word to the unwise wower: Boyfriend, you just keep on gettin’ higher 'n' higher at those swell dos you go to. You’ll be outing Toothy long before anybody like moi would ever dream of doing so.

And It Ain't Sean Penn, Colin Farrell, Will Smith.

July 11, 2007

Pregnant Applause!

Guess which supposedly gallivanting H'wood bachelor is secretly being quite domestic, stork-style ‘n’ all? Plus, who’s got it in for Tom Cruise, still, and who’s Paris hot for this time? All in a day’s gab, my Awful afficionados...

A Few Good Pages

Oh, uh, Tom? Got a sec? Yeah, you, Mr. Cruise.

My Andrew Morton cronies tell me Andy's putting the finishing touches on his exposé on you, Mr. Cee. "Very close to finishing" were the exact words I was told by Camp Morton. Oh, really? Certainly have heard this one before.

But something tells me Morton's really/actually/for real going to deliver the much-gabbed-about Cruise-bashing project (even though I was told this baby was supposed to be here more than a year ago or so). The only real question is:

Will there be anything we haven't really heard before? 'Cause T.C. sues faster than Toothy Tile changes his mind about coming out of the closet.

July 17, 2007

Dear Ted:
I have a Toothy Tile question (as if you could ever get enough of those), my gossip guru. Are Toothy's initials in the first half of the alphabet, or the second? FYI: I'm asking about his real name, not pseudonym, so no tricks please.
Ottawa, Ontario

Dear Det. Homo:

Dear Ted:
What happened to baby Tile? Did Toothy and b-f Tile have the kid or did they give up on the idea of becoming dads? Are they still together and superdomesticated? I love your column and read it every day!

Dear Family Matters:
Give the nonnuclear fam time, doll-babe.

Dear Ted:
I love your columns and Blind Vices and I want to contribute in the "Toothy Tile Twenty Questions" game. Is Toothy known to be an animal lover?
Washington, D.C.

Dear PETA Hopeful:
Uh, yes, but isn’t everybody (or at least pretend to be) in this hairy town?

Dear Ted:
Did anyone else double over with laughter upon reading that Jessica Simpson was planning a "romantic rendezvous" with Jake Gyllenhaal?

Dear Laugh 'n' a Half:
You mean other than Reese Witherspoon?

July 24, 2007

Dear Ted:
After 10 years of reading your column, I have finally decided to throw my Blind guess into the fray! Toothy Tile: Harrison Ford. Horny Improvement: Tim Allen. Day-Old Dumbo: Scott Baio. I am glad you are content with that cutie of yours now. Congrats!
Lisa B.
San Francisco

Dear Guessing Gal:
One outta three ain’t bad! Yes, Immensely Idiotic's Day-Old Dumbo is, ‘course, Scott Baio, but your other two are totally wrong-a-roonie.

July 27, 2007

Trials 'n' DenialsOne Special-Edition Blind Vice

a special report on everybody’s fave Blind Vice candidate, the über-shy closeted movie star, Mr. Toothy Tile!

Look, everybody, I was going to tell you all about a certain Morgan Mayhem family member who, just like Morgy, is getting hugely wasted more often than she burps overpriced champagne, but, like, whatever, ya know? No big ser-prize there.

So, instead, due to an overwhelming demand for all things closeted and Toothy Tile, we’re going to round up all recent clues provided for our limited-run special 20 Questions and give ya another fab clue! Ding ding ding! Hot fun for the same-sex tum, huh? Now, keep in mind, for those of you teething for Tooth, we’re not even friggin’ halfway through the 20 queries, but thus far, this is what we’ve previously let out, as it were:

Q: Was he on Dancing with the Stars?

A: No. T2 is a talented thesp who's way above reality TV, trust.

Q: Are Toothy's initials in the first half of the alphabet, or the second? FYI: I'm asking about his real name, not pseudonym, so no tricks please.

A: No.

Q: Is Toothy known to be an animal lover?

A: Uh, yes, but isn’t everybody (or at least pretending to be) in this hairy town?

Q: What happened to Baby Tile? Did Toothy and B-F Tile have the kid, or did they give up on the idea of becoming dads? Are they still together and superdomesticated?

A: Give the nonnuclear fam time, doll-babe.

Q: Is Toothy Tile known to be athletic?

A: That, my dear, depends on your definition of athletic. He can hold his own, how about that?

Q: Is Toothy Tile Isaiah Washington?

A: Wrong bum-lovin’ boy. Think younger, cuter ‘n’ sans snarkiness.

And for all you unleashed types doggin’ for the good-lookin’ dude’s identity, here are two more newbie inquiries to get ya through the weekend. Now, keep the questions burnin’!

Q: Has Toothy Tile ever been nominated for or won a major American award?

A: For Best Kinky Performance in a Parking Lot? Why, yes! By the West Hollywood Sheriff’s voting academy, actually!

Q: Why is Jennifer Aniston the only woman Vince Vaughn has been linked to in the tabloids? Is he Toothy Tile?

A: No. He’s not nearly agile enough. Certainly not for the back-seat seduction game.

And It Ain't: Don Cheadle, Homero Simpson, Carrot Top

July 31, 2007

Dear Ted:
On the Toothy Tile Special-Edition Blind Vice, did Toothy get divorced in the past couple of years from a blonde?
Austin, Texas

Dear Marital Miss:
Uh, no. He’s not that much in the closet.

Dear Ted:
After someone guessed Isaiah Washington as Toothy Tile, I'm wondering if T.T. could be African-American, and could he be Shemar Moore? He was recently photographed nekkid at what some people were saying was a gay beach.

Dear Moore Men:
Good guess, but S.M. is not our infamous bum-lovin’ boy Tooth. Think not quite as ballsy as the 'icious S.

Dear Ted:
A lightbulb went off in my head this weekend! Is it possible that Toothy Tile is a woman? Like Queen Latifah, maybe?

Dear Toothy Titillation:
Interesting Toothy take, but the mucho man-hungry dude has more than just a love for men—he is one.

Dear Ted:
You fabulous bitch! Is Toothy Tile Kenny Chesney?
Swedesboro, Dirty Jersey

Dear Time to Re-Tile:
You’re off, miss. I did once say that Toothy could hold his own, but I didn’t mean in a singing competition.

Dear Ted:
Now that we know Lindsay had coke on her, can you tell us which Blind Vice was her?
University Place, Washington

Dear Nice Try: Gosh, why not tell you who Toothy Tile is, already?

August 6, 2007

Dear Ted:
I had a vision the other night of who Toothy Tile might be. Let me partake in the 20 Questions game: Was he ever on a network sitcom? Hope the wedding plans are going swimmingly and congrats again.
St. Paul, Minnesota

Dear Showstopper:
Sorry, doll, Toothy’s talents are reserved for the silver screen...uh, ‘n’ other boy’s bums, ‘course. Thanks for swell wishes!

Dear Ted:
Before your engagement, I know Alec Baldwin left you sorta breathless. I was wondering if, when you were in the presence of handsome Toothy, he had the same breath-stopping effect? He makes my heart skip beats...those angular facial features, those bedroom (and do-it-anywhere-even-a-parking-garage) eyes (Whew!) Such a stunning hottie!
New York City

Dear Frothin' Fellow:
Uh, breathless boyfriend, what the hell makes you think you know just who the gay guy is? Don't be so sure...

Dear Ted:
Did Toothy either attend or graduate from a university?
New York City

Dear Schoolyard Snoop:
The dude is diploma-less.

Dear Ted:
One more guess: Is Toothy Tile Topher Grace? Is Princess Gold-Zinger Paris Hilton?
Pamela Hardy
New York City

Dear Quizzical:
Good same-sex stab with T.G., though he’s not our boy Toothy. Think more established ‘n’ less lanky. As for P.H., way off. More legit.

August 8, 2007

Dubious Doings

we dish on why Reese Witherspoon is still solo

Oh, Tease

Oh, darlings. Do you mind me using such a gay expression, by the way? Is it too much? Should I not utilize such fey verbalizations in a column where I’ve just ventured down to Borat’s hirsute nether regions?

Oh well, like Madge always says, Ef you and move to Texas (where they golf, and trust me, they do—a lot) if you don’t like it! ‘Cause as long as we’re on the topic of hairy-ass celeb sitches, I think we absolutely must weigh in on all things Reese ‘n’ Jakey-poo, don’t you think? Of course, you do!

Ms. Witherspoon was just vigorously, famously perky blond locks bouncing away, grocery shopping at Whole Foods in Brentwood.

Now, I happen to know the broad also loves to hit W.F. in WeHo (where the gays adore her and she them, I swear, that gal has more Debbie Reynolds in her than any woman under 40 should dare have, but whatev), but this time she pinched ripe things closer to home.

And the blond babe was there all alone, I’m mucho sorry to say.

But as R.W. seemed to be putting this ‘n’ that together for an intimate little din-din, one can only wonder if she was buying the feel-good fancies fer Jake Gyllenhaal or Ryan Phillippe? Yeah, right. Either one makes equal sense to this overripe fruit.

See, I’m told by campers close to both previously plucked types that this reconciliation stuff you’re no doubt hearing about is strictly for the media express lane (10 People items or less), nothing more.

Aug 9, 2007

One Power-Penetrated Blind

Okay, really sorry to keep it up (pardon the penile pun) on this Harkness Hose dude, but I declare, he’s turning out to be another Toothy Tile—only the straight kind! See, while the world breathlessly coos and oohs over H2’s latest hookup with the very regal Princess Gold-Zinger, Harkness lurks the E-zones of lonely, horny women. That’s right: He hooks up, via online, with gals other than PGZ.

But, ‘course, I said that already. It’s just that I have a little additional icky info on the back-door sex H.H. lives to talk his normally hesitant honeys into. Yes, yes, yes, even though I’m hearing from heaps o’ gals who prefer the alternative-nooky route (should I publish these communications next week, or would that just make everybody, including my très conservative editor, Stevie R, wanna throw up?), not all gals are so game.

And what, exactly, does Mr. Hose do to get his ladies in the mood for the rather painful procedure? Roses and champagne? A million little kisses to every nether region—and not—of his partner’s bod? Sex-ay dirty talk in her ear, along with a little lobe-nibbling?

Nah, nothing so amorous. The answer’s far more mechanical, not at all romantic. H2 has them use a battery-operated vibrator on themselves first. Doesn’t even offer to assist in the dirty deed.

Men. If they weren’t so damn handy when ya need a good sausage dinner, I’d say to hell with the lot of ‘em.

And it ain’t: Brad Pitt, David Arquette, Matthew Perry

August 14, 2007

Dear Ted:
When are you going to start reporting about Reese and Jake's reconciliation? You can't say there is no photographic evidence anymore. It's time to join the Reese & Jake party—we want to know what's going on there!
Los Angeles

Dear Het Bet:
Lemme guess. You also want more gab on Rachel Bilson ’n’ Hayden Christensen, too, right?

Dear Ted:
I, for one, am growing tired of the Toothy Tile saga. Why should we continue to follow when we know we will never learn the true identity of the faceless shadow?
Mt. Laurel, New Jersey

Dear Pissed:
No worries, doll. If Toothy finds the cojones to finally out his bum-lovin’ tush, then maybe I won’t have to keep torturing everybody. Stay taut-tushed tuned.

August 13, 2007

The Young and the Brainless

Toothy Tile gets bold with boy-on-boy action in a flaming fagola environ

Guys 'n' Gals Gone Wild!

My most fave Blind Vice boy, Toothy Tile, is getting braver ‘n’ braver: He just hit a gay enclave in Hell-Ay last week, openly doing his b-f, who, by the by, is not at all who everybody thinks he is. Keep up the frolickin’, by all means.

August 17, 2007

Domestic Dissin'

Say it ain't so! Are Reese Witherspoon 'n' Ryan Phillippe reworkin' their rocky romance, or is all the get-back-together hoopla 'bout as real as T. Casablanca's love for G. Bush?

Mr. and Mrs. Make Up?

Don’t know about you, babes, but my peeper always perks for Reese Witherspoon. Adore her. From Legally Blonde and her Oscar-winning job as June Carter Cash in Walk the Line to having the nerve to hook up with a heartbreaker like Ryan Phillippe, this is a gal who knows how to strut her chica cojones, fer sure. (And I don’t simply feel this way because she calls me “Mr. Casablanca.” That’s simply a southern thang, trust.)

And as you may have heard from my canoodling colleagues at Page Six, the rumors are certainly out there that the blondie exes are, perhaps, trying their hands at reconciliation.

Rang up some mutual buds R and I have. Was adamantly told by one amiga: “100 percent not true,” about the possible reunion stuff. But I must tell you, this close Witherspoon camper was the only direct dissenter I could find to the going-it-again talk. Others also quite gabby with R and R told me:

“Reese and Ryan have been secretly dating and working through problems they should have worked out before they broke up,” one R2 hanger-on whispered to moi. “They go through a lot of trouble to make sure they aren't seen together on dates.”

Near divorcés going on a date! How do I love that one! Don’t tell me R ’n’ R are going to be the Liz ’n’ Dick of our time now that Bennifer didn’t make it, eh?

Press reps for both Rs had no comment.

In any case, all this potentially surreptitious suck-face stuff would certainly make sense as to why the rags are making such a big thing outta Reese’s friendship with Jake Gyllenhaal, who, ’course, is just an amigo to R.W.

After all, why look for any comings and goings with the soon-scheduled-to-be-former Mr. Witherspoon if everybody and his checkout-stand correspondent is so damn hot on the trail of that never-was affair? Stay tuned to this espionage-worthy ex sitch, ’kay?

Oy Boys!

As long as we’re gabbin’ on dudes like J. Gyllenhaal and other questionably coiffed cuties, let’s make a thang of it, ’kay? But let’s start with the biggest bouffant of ’em all: Tom Cruise.

August 20, 2007

No Room at the Inn

Oh, gosh, I wonder if Jake Gyllenhaal can get to Broadway - where he’s expected to do a terribly earnest turn, I’m sure, for Mike Nichols on the boards - to help out Tori Spelling?

Last I heard, the game gal I adore so (who else would have the balls to say she’s cash poor besides that megarich bitch?) was wandering the streets for her reality show, Inn Love, as Harvey Fierstein left her hanging (or vice versa, you decide).

See, the Tony nabber was supposed to give Ms. Es some tips on auditioning for Broadway, and Spelling’s "people" called Fierstein right before they had an appointment and said:

"Can we do it a few hours later? [Tori’s] busy."

You can guess what Harvey’s unprintable (even in this trashy missive) reaction was.

Jake? Are you in N.Y.? You’re not jaded yet, right? Can you please go help out Tor-poo? Do it for the gays! They love ya both!

August 21, 2007

Dear Ted:
I'm going to take a stab at this and suggest Toothy Tile is Andy Dick.
Cactus Flower
Los Angeles

Dear What the Dick:
Double no. I did say that our boy Toothy was somethin' of a cutie, right?

Dear Ted:
This is killing me that I care so much so who Toothy Tile is -I'm a married hetero woman! Please, oh please, Ted, I'm begging you -along with so many other devout readers of your column -to spill the beans! How about you name a movie he was in?
Babylon, New York

Dear Beseechin' Broad:
Aren't you familiar with the Boy Bum Voyage?

August 23, 2007

Vote of Confidence?

Toothy Tile considers coming out to two megamags

On the White Picket Fence

Not to further frazzle anybody’s already entirely tortured same-sex detective efforts, but got some news on Toothy Tile, the young actor who just can’t seem to make up his mind on whether or not he wants to come outta the closet. T.T. has spoken’ discreetly, of course to both Time and Newsweek about the possibility of declaring his sexuality publicly. So far, no go, as T.T. prefers to lie low and protect his private life with an increasingly domesticated home front, i.e., procreating with the b-f and all that reproductive jazz.

Jeez, and I thought it was a little much when Jon and I got Margo. I mean, Toothy’s, like, headed down total Beaver Cleaver Lane! (Only in some fashions, mind you.)

August 28, 2007

The Boy-Blinded Replies Have It

Dear Ted:
It sure is beginning to look like Jake and Reese are really in love. Why would Reese go all the away across the country to be on the same island as Jakey? Is it time we admit these two are a couple?
Mount Laurel, New Jersey

Dear Hook, Line and Sinker:
Uh, did you forget the movie they worked on together is being released in early October? On-set couplings are prolly just what the publicists ordered for some buzz and box-office mojo.

Dear Ted:
Are Reese and Jake playing you? You report a close Reese source tells you she and Ryan may be getting back together, and the next day there is a report she is in Martha's Vineyard with Jake! What's the real deal?
Morgantown, West Virginia

Dear Reese's Pieces:
"Deal" being the key word.

September 3, 2007

Dear Ted:
Has Toothy Tile been uncovered yet? My money's on Wentworth Miller.
Bridgewater, New Jersey

Dear Don't Bet on It:
Went's not our boy, babe. He's almost as cute as Toothy, though.

Dear Ted:
I think Toothy Tile is Mark Ruffalo. He's married, and he's worked with some pretty big names doing romantic comedies, yet you really never hear about his private life.
San Diego

Dear Mouthy Maven:
'Fraid not, sweetie. Think even more boy next door.

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile equals Owen Wilson? Just asking.

Dear Missing Tooth:
Not quite, darling. Def less comedic 'n' of a slightly younger set.

September 5, 2007

Super Snoopers

We dish on the rumors that Toothy Tile is about to be outed and cross a few more suspects off our list of suspects!

The Tile Files

Since I’ve been away on vacay, where I injured my back—no, not from schtupping, but from running, sorry—I realize I’ve been terrible in leaving you all doll-pusses without any Blind Vice action. Doubly sorry!

Came home to a bit of an online tremor that Mr. Toothy Tile himself is about to be outed—elsewhere on the Internet. Hmmm. Who could it be? (The closeted actor, not the outer, I mean.)

Let’s see. There’s Jesse Metcalfe, a very popular guess for Mr. T, I wonder why? Could it be that meticulous attention J.M. gives his brow 'n' bod parts? Possibly. In fact, while normally balmy Hell-Ay was sweltering in 100-plus swampy degrees—

thanks to Al Gore’s predicted weather apocalypse, no doubt—Jess-hon was bouncy as evah.

There he was, as if he were tiptoeing through the temperature-perf tulips, showing off his bitchin’ bulge collection at 24 Hour Fitness, at the ArcLight in H'wood.

That’s, like, such the equivalent of movie stars heading to the mall when they need a good ego-boosting recognition quotient—as the ArcLight is a tad trendier (i.e., cooler) spot to Hell-Ay-hang than the Grove. Mr. Em, actually, I should admit, was a bit moist, as the Hades-provided air was beginning to make even the former Desperate Housewives pretty boy get a tad dewy. Cutoff red tee and cutoff white shorts was the very Flashdance-esque, perfectly ripped attire for Metcalfe. So very Jennifer Beals, love it.

And the public opinion? Better than days past, when the dubious actor has often been ripped a new brown eye(brow) for his overly beautified, often vacuous pro demeanor.

“Ick!” screamed one flashy blond bystander. “I don’t even like this guy, but he was lookin’ yummy!”Could it be Jess-doll’s latest tat that’s makin’ him look, how shall we say, less Toothy-esque?

‘Cause, yes, this is a long-ass way of telling you I suspect Metcalfe’s days of making himself a prime candidate for the correct identity of the elusive Toothy T may be coming to an end. And it ain’t him, anyway.

September 11, 2007

Dear Ted:
In your last Toothy tidbit you mentioned T.T. went to some big mags to talk about a story. Is this guy that famous or is the shocker his macho facade?

Dear Status Q:
He's pretty big time in Tinseltown and beyond, trust.

Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile Anderson Cooper? Hope this is not a repeat question. If he is, it is a sad day for the ladies in the house to lose such a hunk from our drool list.

Dear Randy for Andy:
The Coop ain't T.T.—think far more drool-ville.

Dear Ted:
After all the hype over Toothy Tile, the reveal better be good. Jesse Metcalfe? Who cares?!
Burlington, Vermont

Dear Payday Gayday:
Uh, nope to J.M. (obvs), and if Tooth-doll ever decides to come out, you and your mother in Arkansas will most definitely care.

September 18, 2007

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile is Bill Clinton.
Lake Butler, Florida

Dear Deluded:
Hope you're joking, 'cause Billy-boy is about as hetero as they come. Just ask stained-dress Monica Lewinsky. T2's far more likely to be the one wearing the skirt.

Dear Ted:
Did Toothy Tile break up Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams?
West Hollywood, California

Dear Split Snoop:
Nice try, but, uh, no.

September 25, 2007

Staged 'n' Engaged

Celebs come out in full force for the Rufus Wainwright concert at the Hollywood Bowl...Why was Jake Gyllenhaal so shy at the songfest? Plus, we tackle your e-rants and cyber-raves!

Brokeback Bowl!

Hilton and Spears blabbing tomorrow, a sex act by a major boob-tube star caught in the coat check of a Hollywood record store later in the week (it’s so delicious, worth the wait, promise), but today, just how a lotta H-town was having a gay ol’ time! Too fey fer words.

Sunday night at the Hollywood Bowl, renegade singer (and Brokeback Mountain collaborator) Rufus Wainwright channeled Judy Garland to various levels of success. R.W. interpreted the drugged-out icon magnificently (i.e., on his own mucho talented terms and not just a mimicking) until his voice faltered—and, instead of powering on, in whatever fashion he could—W simply apologized, repeatedly, and kind of stumbled continuously in front of the big-ticket crowd. Such the letdown.

Was this the reason Jake Gyllenhaal, in his pullover and baseball cap, kept crouching further and further down in his seat, the longer the show went on? Rod Stewart and Debbie Reynolds, who were both wearing bullet-proof blondie-locks that certainly looked as if they could have been styled by the same hairspraying Judy-ite, were more stalwart. You could just feel their old-school willing for Wainwright to bolster up and carry on. Didn’t happen.

Jimmy Fallon was simply too busy getting mauled by screaming little-girl fans to pay attention to the wholly unhetero dynamic nearby, but CAA’s humpy Bryan Lourd stood steadfast by R.W., praying to the homo heavens above, I’m sure, for Rufus to pull out his trademark stiff upper sass (six degrees of icon status: Lourd is the father of Reynold’s granddaughter, as he used to be Carrie Fisher’s partner).

Back to that seat-sliding Jakey-love. Do you think Mr. Gee was simply too embarrassed that he was seen with the same company as he had been that morning? You know, the equivalent of being caught with the same outfit at two events—something, I’m sure, reported girlfriend Reese Witherspoon would have been horrified by (indeed, could that have been what J 'n' Reese were gabbing about at the post-Bowl do my E! chum Marc Malkin winked to?). Why, there, in the middle of this guy posse, just a few boxes over from Fallon, was J and Jamie Lee Curtis and the same good-lookin’ hunk o’ dude meat J.G. had breakfast with that ayem.

Just another insane Wainwright fan, ya think? Or are you scrambling for other explanations? I wouldn’t, if, I were you. You’d have better luck pilfering the protestors to come.

Dear Ted:
Is there some sort of gay etiquette that keeps you from outing Toothy Tile and his closeted ilk? Like a pink wall of silence, or something?
Jacksonville, Florida

Dear Swampy Swishy:
I prefer to think of it as a chartreuse shield of barely there morals, heretical as such a dynamic might be in this biz.

Dear Ted:
You were once considered edgy, but, now you're just stodgy. The Blind Vices may serve to titillate some, but you're so worried about being sued they're indecipherable. Are you only interested in being a rich queen? Or would you rather be a revered icon? You could be both if you quit running scared.

Dear George Clooney:
Darling, did that motorcycle accident mess you up that badly? Sure are a grump today! Hey, can I help it everybody thinks you're Toothy Tile?

Dear Ted:
First time sending in a BV guess. You previously hinted Toothy Tile was born (and lives) directly north of Orange County, California. Someone on the message board keeps insisting that T.T. is Ryan Gosling, who was born in Canada. Can you either exclude Ryan Gosling or say that T.T. was born in L.A., which is directly north of OC. I don't know how this person thinks Canada is directly north of OC, but I am tired of listening to the arguments.
Hopkinton, Massachusetts

Dear Message Bored:
You bet, babe! Ain’t Ryan, though what an utterly exquisite guess, I must say. Think ever so slightly less butch and a tad (or more) closer down from Canada.

Dear Ted:
Regarding everyone's favourite obsession, Toothy: Two guesses here…Eric Balfour or Haley Joel Osment?
Vancouver, Canada

Dear Ice-Cold Canuck:
So no to both, boyfriend. T.T.’s way more well known that your first guess and considerably older than your second suspect.

September 28 2007

Open Snide!

Sure is skanky here at the Awful Truth today, love-muffins, so if Jamie Foxx and Ryan Gosling's dubious dude doings don't make yer jaw drop, I'm sure Dewbie Stammer in this week's orally fixated Blind Vice will surely do the trick!

Gos Grunge

Ryan Gosling is trying really hard to lose his hottie/heartthrob status. Although tons o’ teenage girls surely have posters from The Notebook plastered on their walls, we bet they won’t be flockin’ in droves to see Lars and the Real Girl, the Oscar-nominated hunk's latest flick. In this mucho dark, twisted love tale, R.G. plays a hideously shy, bumbling dude who orders a doll off the Internet and starts believing she’s his real girlfriend.Ry sports a serious beard and bad hair in the movie, and he looks completely undoable throughout the entire damn thing, which was so not the case in Half Nelson, trust. Rachel McAdams, sleep easy knowing that no femmes will be drooling over your ex this time around. Was that the point, Mr. Reluctant Heartthrob? You from the same shy school Jake Gyllenhaal is always jonesin’ in?

October 2, 2007

Dear Ted:
I feel sorry for Toothy Tile. If he were a woman, would anyone care? Women who seem to have no sexual preference—e.g., Jodie Foster—have kids, and nobody says anything. Obviously, T.T. is worried coming out will wreck his career. I think Toothy is David Spade.

Dear One Outta Three:
In an age of Angelina Jolie bisexuality-fashion, your first statement is absolutely dead-on. But after that? Oh, girl. I assure you, Ms. F has quite the sexual appetite, and Toothy T is most certainly not David Spade. I said sexy!

Dear Ted:
I'm getting so tired of other E! sources talking about Jake and Reese. Have you really not informed them that she's just not that into him?
Bellevue, Ohio

Dear Hex in the City:
How my colleagues choose to amuse themselves is hardly my affair.

October 4, 2007

Jake Gyllenhaal, grabbin’ grub to go. Saturday night at Ammo. The restaurant regular was lookin’ hot, sporting a black shirt and some scruff as he quickly dashed in to pick up his takeout order. Wonder who else the food was for? Something tells us it wasn’t Reese Witherspoon. More attached elsewhere was...

October 9, 2007

Dear Ted:
Come on, don't you think it's 'bout time to give Toothy Tile’s b-f his own name, instead of always keeping him hidden in Toothy's shadow?
Noblesville, Indiana

Dear Moniker Minded:
Fine. Let’s call the poor boy Gray Goose, ‘cause that’s what he’ll look like by the time G2’s closeted homo actor guy comes clean.

Dear Ted:
Don't you think it is time to put the Toothy Tile saga behind us?
Mt. Laurel, New Jersey

Dear Dumb-Butt:
No, and neither do you, so shut up, would ya?

October 16, 2007

Dear Ted:
Why do you often call Brit-Brit Ms. Es? Am I missing something? By the way, loved you on Chelsea Lately!
Small Town, New Jersey

Dear Sound It Out:
Last name is Spears; first initial is S, and we spell it how you say it, got it? Or is that not as obvious as the fact that Toothy Tile truly does wants to come out—he just wants somebody else to do the dirty work? And thanks for the Chelsea kudos!

Dear Ted:
Love your sassy comments and how you keep us guessing on Toothy (I think I know who he is). However, let's talk Dewbie Stammer from One Closeted Blind Vice—Literally. Would it be Zach Braff?
San Mateo, California

Dear Braff on the Brain:
Good guess, g-friend, but Zach’s not our guy. Both dudes do have that dorky-yet-doable vibe, though.


"My friends, my relationship."

—Kirsten Dunst, on what makes her happiest, at Glamour mag's Reel Moments event where Kiki and other famous femmes such as Kate Hudson took a turn behind the camera as directors. Having better luck in love than with Jake are you, darling?

Dear Ted:
Your techniques may be a bit more sophisticated than those of Perez Hilton, but given that Toothy Tile's identity is pretty solidly known, courtesy of you, what makes you any different or better than a bottom-feeder like Perez and his penchant for outing gay celebrities?

Dear Columbia School of Journalism:
Hey, pissy prof, dunno about Perez, but I feed on some very beautiful bottoms here in Hollywood, you jealous or somethin'? And you're just an idiot if you don't think Tooth-love's outing himself, only so very slowly."

October 18, 2007

Dubious Duos?

We check out the arm candy of Natalie Portman, Carrie Underwood and Jake Gyllenhaal and wonder why Kate Hudson donned high fashion for a football game!

Bumps in the Day

Jake Gyllenhaal sure as hell lives to get the gossies in gonzo overdrive. Why, just this week, right after J.G. did Letterman, all shy 'n’ stuff, he pulls the same don’t-look-at me routine down in the Village—almost.

Desk Stealth just followed J.G. and his gorgeous amigo, a dead ringer for Austin Nichols (would just go ahead and say it was A.N. here, but, like, maybe Jakey’s pullin’ a Natalie Portman, choosing to hang with an Austin doppelgänger just to throw us snit-snoops off the mark?) for several blocks. Too fun for the ab-perf tum! D.S. embarked on an intrepid block-by-block Jake-athon, stealing close behind just for us, too kind.

“They could have walked to the ferry, and I still would have followed them,” admits our pavement detective, so refreshingly honest (see, always loved those NY types, this is only one reason why). “All the while, they kept walking close to each other, like they were purposely trying to bump into each other, ya know what I mean?”

We do, you baddie bro, we do! So, do continue:

“At one point they had their heads briefly touching each other,” D.S. practically breathlessly relayed. “A short time after that came the friend's arm around Jake and the whisper to the ear. Then, the whole block before they got to West 12th Street," said the onlooker, J.G. & A.N. did a little digital dance. "Oh so cute!”

Deliciously so! But wait. We simply have to get ahold of ourselves here. See, before you nasty naughties out there start cackling, like, totally inappropriate things here, can’t two guys show affection for each other (just like women do) without people going to all sorts of kooky conclusions? Not to mention their publicists' speed dials…

I mean, John Travolta does it all the time! What’s the biggie?

Denim Addendum: “Both had on blue jeans wrapped around perfect butts,” added our boyish spy, above, for the really important deets. Jake’s dude-pal/whatever “probably had the better butt,” sassed our unsubtle source. “It was slightly rounder, and his jeans fit a bit more snuggly.”

Sorry, Jakey, I know how it feels. I’m still smarting from the time Defamer blabbed I have no behind. So not true! I took a pic and showed the hateful folks how wrong they were, will you please now do the same for us?

We’re waiting...high-quality pics preferred!

October 19, 2007

Digit Dig-It

Textually active celebs such as Carmen Electra and Jeremy Piven hit the Sidekick LX Launch Wednesday night. Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker worked the pink carpet, hand in hand (rather Jake Gyllenhaal and Austin Nichols-esque, too divine!)

October 23, 2007

Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile Hugh Jackman? I received some blind items on him that knocked my thong right off!
Barbara T.

Dear Det. Down Under:
You mean the one where he trades bras with his gorgeous gonzo wife, Deborra-Lee Furness? Kidding! Anyways, ain’t H.J., though a most excellent hunch, doll-puss. Think less established by a bit.

Dear Ted:
Who is Corny Beefy from One Lamentable Blind Vice? Who is Toothy Tile? Are they the same person? It's driving me crazy that I can't figure it out. Please help!
Austin, Texas

Dear Austin City Loony:
No, no, no and no! Now, had you not been from Texas...

Dear Ted:
You are so right on Rose McGowan and Robert Rodriguez. However, you are so not right on Reese and Ryan getting back together. I think Jake still has a chance, though. Also, I saw you on Chelsea Lately...why so mum on Tori Spelling?

Dear Brooklyn Bouillabaisse:
First, never said R 'n' R getting back, fer sure, just said they were both trying to see about another chance, nothing def (doesn’t look good, obvs). No comment on Jake. And Tori? Yeah, I like her. So, slap me.

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile's gotta be Ricky Martin. I bet he gets more rod than a welder!
St. John’s, Newfoundland, Canada

Dear White-Hot:
Good hunch, but alas (and I believe I’ve discounted R.M. a few times before, babe-cakes), not the man-lovin’ machine that is our beloved Tooth. Think somebody with a little less juicy junk in his trunk.

October 25, 2007

Just call her Toothy Vile?

Smells Like...

Whose career is burning faster than the state of California? Read on. But first, stopped by the Hollywood Film Festival Awards last night at the Bev Hilton. Brad Pitt was utterly doable, yet quite pale. Angie’s kiddie bitch appeared almost as ghostly as award recipient Casey Affleck did after Pitt demi-dissed the younger Affleck from the podium. Could that be why C was hanging onto elder sibling Ben when we were gabbing with them both at the after-party? Prolly. Indeed, be on the lookout for the newest nondate in H-town. (Are you online, Reese?)

October 25, 2007

Chew on This

why are Jake and Reese so suddenly cozy for the cameras?

Oh! Oh! And speaking of recently snapped duos, Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon were getting all friendly in front of photogs while in Rome promoting Rendition, 'course. Interesting how this par-tick twosome, who took such pains to not get photographed together before and denied their romance right and left, is now doing such an about-face. Could it be they’re trying to bolster box-office sales with a little costar commingling for the cameras? I mean, isn’t this how Tom and Penélope did it, for Vanilla Sky? Who the hell screws after the movie? You’re well on to your next vamp-victim by then, everybody knows that. Right, Scar?

October 30, 2007

Dear Ted:
First you said everyone in the free world would drop their teeth when Toothy's out, and now you're saying he's less established than Hugh Jackman?
Jacksonville, Florida

Dear Det. Molar:
Certainly career- and box-office-wise, yes. But darling, that leaves a whole lotta room for homo-happy trail-hunting ground!

Dear Ted:
I threw up when I saw Jake with Reese.
Chandler, Arizona

Dear Smelly Keyboard:
Then I suggest you stop reading the rags for the upcoming six-month period (max)—unless you want to ruin hundreds of thousands of dollars' worth of equipment.

Dear Ted:
Am I the only person who thinks it's a big coincidence that Jake and Reese were first photographed holding hands after Rendition bombed at the box office? I smell something putrid...I think it's desperation!
Jessica S.
Somerset, New Jersey

Dear Stopped Up:
Your nostrils are just now quivering over this?

October 31, 2007

Boos 'n' Boobs!

Scary merde’s goin’ down in T-town right now! For ince, Ryan Gosling ain’t the only nooky-lovin’ lad who’s keepin’ his sex antics on the down-low these days, as Brody Jenner’s said to be quaking in his little booties lately. Wonder why? Because dad Bruce and sassin’ stepsis Kim Kardashian are kickin’ his headline-lovin’ hot bum right now for somethin’ fierce? Good question.

An even better (like, totally) query would be why Katie Cruise’s fam members are not on board to go back and hang with Tom and myriad servants at his Vanity Fair-spread-ready Telluride compound this X-Mas. Too much fun for the overly Scientology-ized tum, you Holmes-ites? Hey, don’t knock it, overly. A dynamic that’s, apparently, still affording Kelly Preston anything close to a career, not to mention hubby John Travolta a paparazzi pulse, can’t be all bad. On second gossipy, thought...

Oh! Oh! Oh! I dare say Toothy Tile is certainly preparing to meet his match in the I want to come out/Actually, I don’t tabloid dance. See, there’s a megahunky, big-ass star who’s long known (by many, fer sure) to prefer the same sex, despite the presence of a well-regarded wife-unit. Said big-butt boy is also famous for a bitchy permanent boyfriend, who’s now cheating on the fabulously muscled movie star, fool that he be. Very Hugh Grant stuff, really. I mean, would you step out on Liz Hurley for Divine Brown? Eddie Murphy, quit screaming in the affirmative right now, nobody wants your opinion in this dame department, trust.

Anyway, we were saying. The above cheated-upon star is so upset by the aforementioned mattress meanderings, well, we dare say, he’s about to crack that famous hetero front of his (think, uh, a little less Lance Bass, more Neil Patrick Harris here). Tooth, see, we declare, you’re simply gonna be irrelevant by the damn time you come outta the friggin’ closet! Or is that the point?

November 5, 2007

Couples Cashing In?

Since Reese and Jake have taken their relationship to the trick-or-treating level, we've got six more suggestions for fam-friendly outings!

Devil's Advocacy

If you regularly read this column, you prolly know we haven’t exactly been gulping down the Gyllenspoon Kool-Aid like the rest of the rags, wonder why? Something about the sudden PDA sessions in front of the paps right as Rendition premiered smelled stinky to us—among sundry other suspect celeb goings-on.

But that was all before we saw the pics of Jake (or supposedly of Jake, as he was wearing a giant gorilla costume) trick-or-treating with Reese’s tykes, Ava and Deacon. 'Cause, surely, if southern sweetie Reese is not only introducing Jake to her kids and having them all spend holidays together, there must be something more to their relationship...right?

Unless...of course, it’s all just one big PR ploy to sell a dead movie, and certain other parties—who mysteriously don’t make it into press-release-esque photos of the dimpled duo—have always been there in the background, too, and Reese and Jake are just good buds. For ince, could Ryan still be hangin' round, trying to slink back with his fresh ex? Just a question here, dearies, and a preachy proviso to not always gobble up everything you read, this missive included.

In any case, since Reese 'n' Jake seem to be serious about whatever it is they’re embarking on, we Awful busybodies came up with a Sick-Sick Six tally for more family (and photo) friendly outings the two hons should so plan:

6. Hike Runyon Canyon: Jake can bring his great gams and two pooches along while the whole happy clan goes thigh busting (Reese breaks a mean sweat at many things, don’t forget) in the Hollywood Hills. Love!

5. Hit Pinkberry: Come on, what kid doesn’t love dessert? Plus, this frozen whatever chain is popular with H'wood types, because if you binge on it, supposedly you can still squeeze into your skinny jeans. Who cares 'bout all that fake crap it's filled with—hey, at least you’ll stay svelte. Reese and Jake gotta keep those figures fab, right?

4. Head Down to Disneyland: It’s called the Happiest Place on Earth for a reason (and we don’t just mean because Lindsay really knows how to get hap-happy at the joint). 'Cause, really, you can’t quite call yourself a celeb couple until you’ve gotten pics together wearing those mouse ears, n'est-ce pas? Bonus points if Ava, Deacon and Jake can convince Reese to ride Space Mountain with 'em!

3. Take Your Very Lives into Your Hands, Darlings, and Go to the Grove: Reach out and touch those who actually seem to be buying this silliness that you all are the hottest twosome since Pam 'n' Rick. This outdoor shopping center, complete with cinema, Cheesecake Factory and an actual trolley you can ride on top of (not sure Jake would like, though) is one of the best spots to bring your kids, if you like that breeder kinda thang. Paparazzi are allowed inside, ensuring easy access to headline-hungry A-listers. It was one of Victoria Beckham’s first stops with her boys when she moved here.

2. Go Get Mani-Pedis Together! Hey, the fam that pampers their piggies together, stays together. Just ask Kate Beckinsale and Len Wiseman, who are often seen getting their tootsies done with daughter Lily.

1. Get Floor Seats at the Lakers Game: We already know Jake’s a basketball fan, as he used to hit these games with Austin Nichols, like, all the time. And if Reese isn’t into B-ball, she’ll just have to pretend. Think ya can, girlfriend?

November 6, 2007

Dear Ted:
I love seeing Jake and Reese together. They look like the only normal people in Hollywood. Don’t you think they just waited for Reese's divorce to be finalized not to lose custody of her kids before being seen together?
Montreal, Quebec

Dear Demented:
Hold the iPhone...why would Reese lose custody of her kids if she were dating another dude before her divorce was finalized? If that was the rule, Brit woulda lost her tykes back during her Isaac Cohen days!

Dear Ted:
Loved the comments about Blythe Danner and Gwyneth Paltrow! I’m all for going green, but people get tired of being preached to by these hypocrites! Now, dammit, who’s Toothy Tile?
Donna M.
Marietta, Georgia

Dear Nice Butt-Licking Try:
He’s never romantically recycled Gwyneth, I’ll say that much.

November 9 2007

Hairy Sitches

Oh merde, Toothy Tile's sure got company in the same-sex shenanigans going on (quite publicly) round town—check out our latest boyish Blind Vice.

November 13, 2007

Dear Ted:
Pardon me if this question has been posed before, but inquiring minds must know: Will Toothy Tile be invited to your upcoming nuptials?
Omaha, Nebraska

Dear Emily Posted:

Dear Ted:
Regarding the Reese and Jake thing—um, can you say "bitter much"? I'd think ol' Jakey-hon must've rejected your advances in the past, with all your snarkiness and not-so-lightly veiled innuendos about his sexuality. Must be so awful knowing all kinds of "truths" and not being able to spill a factual drop, instead of hiding behind Blind Vices and nasty innuendo. Oh well, you are the queen at that, if nothing else!

Dear All Wet:
Even before I was (happily) engaged to be married, never been into little boys. Besides, Jake never offered, and I certainly never asked. And girlfriend, we tell plenty here at AT. Otherwise, doubt you’d have your thong so in a wad.

Dear Ted:
I just read your column today regarding Jake and Reese and their "relationship," and all I have to say is: brilliant! I especially like the part where you wonder whether Jake would like riding "on top" of the trolley.
Jacksonville, Florida

Dear Toast to You:
Thanks, and bottoms up, babe!

November 15, 2007

Skinny 'n' Skivvies

what’s up with Jake 'n' Reese, the ridiculously referred to Gyllenspoon

Duhs and Don'ts

Far more difficult to swallow—let’s all admit together now, please—is this Jake Gyllenhaal 'n' Reese Witherspoon thing. It's as if my tight-ass, overly religious mama became a publicist and this is her first stab at nooky handiwork. Regardless, teams of busybodies and their in-overdrive mouths are superbusy on just about every blog you can get your greasy digits on these days about the veracity of said duo. Do you buy it? Does anybody?

“They are great friends,” remarked more than one close bud to the twosome whom we called for comment. “They are very close,” said another Jakey-Reesey chum. “She adores him,” blabbed one more pal busy watching Jake ‘n’ Reese shop and hold hands and cuddle.

More telling was a J&R hanger-on who confessed, “Reese is very concerned about Jake. She wants to help him."

Help him what? Get over a bum couple of movies? Got to admit their affections (affectations?) look far more furrowed brow than furtive breath.

November 16, 2007

Mystery Mouthings

Is Toothy Tile whetting our closeted curiosities for eternity, or what?

Change o' Homo Heart

Only a gay can write a headline like the above, okay? Got that? Now that you do (like anybody’s going to pay attention), just be forewarned our very own beloved, closeted Toothy Tile is being further advised to drop his more obviously fey outings and amigos in lieu of more hetero-sanctioned activities—and a lot of Tooth’s queer friends are mad as hell and preparing not to take it anymore! Nervous, T.T.? Get the Blind Vice!

One Stalled-Out Blind Vice

Time for an update on the world’s not exactly best-kept secret, the actual identity of Toothy Tile, the (now infamous) closeted homo actor who used to want us to know he liked diddling boys in parking lots and everywhere else imaginable. Our inbox is a curious, overflowing influx of both salivating and outraged disenchantment. Why are we delaying things, they scream in cantankerous unison, as if Toothy’s consulting us personally, like we’re the Columbia School of Homo-Outing Journalism or something.

We’ll leave that to other institutions of righteous indignation. We here at Awful still say it’s ultimately up to the celeb—not us—to say she or he leans closer to Rosie or T.R. (Isaiah, we are not.) Oh! Oh! Oh! Our fave reader stab—which are all over the friggin’ map these days—at T.T.’s real name? Joel McHale! Come to think of it, J.M. does linger in wardrobe when I’m trying on the latest Ben Sherman... though, it ain’t him.

But listen, Tooth, if you’re reading, and we know you are, just wanna give ya a little fairly heated heads-up: Heaps (albeit small heaps, we’ll admit) o’ your pals are contacting us. They’re complaining not only about this damn about-face on your self-proclaimed mission to take a strong stand at letting the world know how down you are to be queer, but they’re more personally peeved, too. Remember all those canceled dinners and parties and such, the ones where your “people” (who would sell their first adopted Chinese kid for a made-up, ass-kissing item in People) said, "Better not be seen with these fagola guys"?

Well, the guys are getting more than put out over your arguably ill-advised, sudden distancing. In fact, it’s prolly safe to say your old gang’s more worked up than a dog-lovin’ bitch after Ellen DeGeneres’ ass, and that’s no joke. Watch it.

And It Ain't: The Rock, Shia Labeouff, Steven Weber

November 20, 2007

Packaged Goods

the Reese 'n' Jake are they/aren't they saga also drags on. Ready to pick a side?

Dear Ted:
Do you think Reese Witherspoon knows everything she needs to know about Jake Gyllenhaal?

Dear Get Ready:
This may surprise you, darling, but yes, she does. Everything. And, please, next question goes to Reese, not us, she’ll have to answer for herself.

Dear Ted:
Apparently, Toothy Tile must be awfully big in the entertainment Industry and awfully powerful. I can't believe he hasn't been outted like Chad Allen was back in the day. Maybe one of his former fed-up paramours will finally do the deed and make him go public.
E. Johnson

Dear Chad:
Is that what you’re hoping?

November 22, 2007

Time to Give Wanks!

Crap, what's there to be grateful for this Thanksgiving?

John Travolta: Drag has never looked so unconvincing on anybody in the history of entertainment (and, trust, with Gywneth Paltrow, that’s saying a lot). But doll-cookie, you play the fine line between real-life faux frolicking and make-believe like nobody’s business. Jake Gyllenhaal could learn a thang or two from you. Now, who’s next on your man-to-man smooch list? Fellow Scientology chum Tom Cruise? Oh, do it, boyfriend! Do you realize the photography hall of fame annals you’d achieve with that one? It’d beat T.C.’s couch-jumping hijinks, no prob.

Gossip: How else would we have the chance to gab, surreptitiously as it’s going down, ‘bout off-limit topics such as Laura’s abandoning of Dubya; or Austin Nichols’ romantic challenges; or Ellen DeGeneres’ real have-it-both-ways dynamic in her life with the very va-va-voomin' Portia de Rossi, a gal who should found the Girlfriends Guild of America, she’s so expert in her endeavors, both domestic and otherwise? Anne Heche in’t got nothin’ on this Aussie broad.

November 27, 2007

Dear Ted:
I must say, I’m very disappointed in the most recent Blind Vice. That is just common knowledge. I expected you would have at least revealed one of Toothy Tile's undercover friends and not put The Rock in there again. I am finding out more from other sites...what's up with that? At least the previous two Blind Vices were still juicy, even if they were on the "yuck" side.
Montreal, Quebec

Dear Teri:
Sometimes the “And It Ain’ts” are a whole 'nother Blind riddle, my bitchy sweet. Think about it.

November 30 2007

A Humpy-Stumpy Blind Vice

Oh my, what same-sex shenanigans has Toothy Tile inspired this time? No no no, not with the Tooth terrible himself; yet another famous Hollywood star is out there getting his cojones off in seedy public places. What’s a faithful TV fan to do? Turn a Blind Vice eye? Well, you decide, darlings!

December 4, 2007

Dear Ted:
Has Toothy Tile ever portrayed a vampire?
Birmingham, Alabama

Dear Interview with an Innuendo:
Depends. Do you mean onscreen or in a West Hollywood parking lot?

Dear Ted:
T.T. has got to be Joey from Friends.
Layton, Utah

Dear Deluded:
And you, girlfriend, have got to be out of your gourd! As we’ve said before, Toothy doesn’t do the small screen.

Dear Ted:
Love the column and the fact it's one of the few sites I can go to for gossip without all the PR-sanctioned fabrications. But Toothy has seriously lost some stock value for me in this whole fiasco. Unless his boyfriend is in on this whole debacle, then Toothy must just be a despicable Hollywhore after all, not to mention a sad human being. I understand we all need money and most of us would like fame, but the levels he's gone to at this point are just unbearable to watch. So tell me, is Gray Goose a part of this whole scheme, or did Toothy really dismiss his supposed eternal paramour?
Modesto, California

Dear Tooth and Nailed:
G2 is still along for the ride. And it ain’t easy. Interesting you focus on Gray, too, as he’s the only one in this whole messy sitch whose actions make the least sense.

December 11, 2007

Dear Ted:
Don’t you think the recent Ryan Phillippe and Abbie Cornish pictures with his kids put a new angle to the reason why Reese created the showmance with Jake? She wanted to be perceived as the one who moved on first and didn’t want to be seen as the victim.
New York City

Dear Nice Try:
Southern sasser (privately, never publicly) Reese is far from a passive victim in all of these postdivorce doings, we assure you. General Witherspoon is more like it. And we suspect it’s not for the strategic reasons you propose, Mare, but good effort, fer sure!

Dear Ted:
I have a request. Is there any way, maybe once per month, you could feature a Toothy Tile Thursday in which you choose about 10 questions from readers and answer those questions in one comprehensive, albeit coded, retort? By the way, I found a common thread among Shia LaBeouf, The Rock and Steven Weber.
Birmingham, Alabama

Dear Baiting for Toothy:
I’ll think about, hon, not a bad idea at all. And what’s the common thread, dying to know?

December 20, 2007

Sweet Aftertaste

"Don't know how long this thing with Reese will go on."

—Close bud to Jake Gyllenhaal, regarding the length of this thing between R 'n' J, whose sugary affections for each other we thankfully haven't had to stomach much of...lately

Why's that? Because according to these mutual amigos we share, both Reese and Jake have been trying personal sitches that, uh, pull them away from each other a lot. Wonder what sitches those could possibly be? No matter. Both cuties are darling. Hope they find mucho happiness in '08.

Just ain't gonna be with each other.

January 3 2008

Hookup Shakedowns

We dish less pungent dirt on the whispered end of Reese and Jake's recent relationship, and you won't find these details in People!

Coupla What?

Certain H-town know-it-alls claim Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal plan to (again) end their romance. “They were never romantically involved,” relayed a close amiga to both stars. “They were just very good friends, trying to help each other out.” For the moment, I’ll leave the why on that particular non-Cupid score alone. After all, could have been for any number of reasons—a messy end to a relationship with horndog Ryan Phillippe will leave any girl ripe for some good ol’ hand-holding, trust.But look, Reese is a guaranteed movie star. She has an Oscar. She can open a movie. True, she’s had her share of bombs (Rendition with Jake, for ince), but she’s not exactly cautioning her every public move. She can afford to sass ‘n’ screw around a little more than Jake can. Gyllenhaal’s career is still climbing and somewhat unproven, less so Reese’s.That’s just one reason why a lotta Jakey’s buds have been getting increasingly miffed by the relationship between Reese and Jake (which People had the guffaw-inducing temerity to call “low-key,” after it ran any java-run pic of the two babes it could get its hot little Time Inc. hands on). Gyllenhaal’s friends—who really got tested by this whatever with Reese—feel J.G. was letting himself be used.

“He didn’t need to do this,” bitched one particularly frustrated companion to Jake. “His career was fine. His friends are fine. He has a family. I don’t know why he felt the need to attach himself to Reese like that. Well, I do. But he didn’t need to do it.”

Oh, whatev. Certainly wouldn’t be the first time two famous folks hooked up because they thought it would be a personal and professional tabloid shot in the arm. Hookin'-up hijinks usually don't work out that way. Don’t believe me? Ask Pam and what’s his name.

But back to R 'n' J. Think Jakey finally got sick to death of so many of his buds lampooning him, to put it very mildly, for being Reese’s bitch.

You two, could it possibly be true? Is dimpled paradise ending for you both?

January 4 2008

Duo Damnings

With what we began yesterday—the harking that dare not speak its name, i.e. the possible end to Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon— doomsday declarations are the latest rage, n’est-ce pas?

January 8 2008

Dear Ted:
One of my favorite items last year was the rumor Toothy Tile and Grey Goose were hoping to start a fam. This would definitely end up being my favorite Hollywood kiddo—sorry, Jolie-Pitts. So, where does Baby Tile currently sit: on the back burner or in the oven?
Nashville, Tennessee

Dear Offspring Inquirer:
Does the frying pan work for you?

Dear Ted:
Whatever credibility you had left, and it isn't much, is evaporating quickly. Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are low-key in that they spend most of their time indoors. You don't see it because you don't want to, simple. Reading you is like watching the Titanic sink! New photos, new bulls--t. Fool!
Los Angeles

Dear Don't Call Me Kathy Bates:
Alas, my (hard) heart will go on, quite unlike Reese and Jake.

January 14 2008

According to those who have been brought in on the 12-stepping action, a major effort is under way by the Spears clan to get Brit-Brit cleaned up. This should come as a surprise only to those who believe, oh, I dunno, silly things such as the notion that Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are actually boffing madly away each afternoon. But I digress, per usual.

January 18, 2008

Bedtime for Bongos?

So, looks like M’s been nude 'n’ bangin’ on something other than his bongo set. 'Course, Matty and his girlfriend, Camila Alves, are expecting their first child together, which is absolutely mind-blowing to us, especially since when has M2 been spending terribly much quality time with someone other than Lance Armstrong or Jake Gyllenhaal? I’m surprised neither of those two are expecting, after all those shirtless bike rides and panting parades in the sunset. Maybe Jakey’s been teaching our sexy surfer stud about the joys of domesticity...He himself has been spending an awful lotta time getting all cozy and family oriented—and we don't mean Reese, trust. Anyway, congrats to the blond bro and his bella, although...'Member that scene in 40-Year-Old Virgin when Steve Carell’s loveable loser tries to cover up his past prudeness by describing second base as feeling up a “bag of sand”? Something definitely similar about M.M.’s strange phrases and off-kilter expressions on his blog (where Matthew announced the blessed event, so very modern of him, just like Spencer) rings way false, like he’s got no inkling on earth what he’s talking about. Catch the awkwardness? “Yes, my girlfriend Camila and I made a baby together...it's 3 months growin in her womb...” (Boldfaced editorializing completely ours, please forgive the overly dramatic punctuation.) Sounds like No Shirt McConaughblah’s excitement was pieced together by whatever he picked up while eavesdropping on normal mommies-and-daddies-to-be. It’s “We’re pregnant!”—not this stilted silly speak. He may as well have said, “I tickled her uterus with my sweaty powerful love tool, and look what happened!”

Try not to bong before you blog, Matt.

January 22, 2008

Burning Quests!

Jake possibly relocates

A Scratch in Time?

While we’re told by giddy, gay real estate movers ‘n’ minders that Jake Gyllenhaal is buying swank, family oriented real estate in San Francisco’s Noe Valley (the boys are praying Reese doesn’t come along and put flowered curtains up all over the place)

January 29, 2008

Dear Ted:
I just added egomaniacal Eddie Murphy to the list of people whose movies and shows I will not watch. He joins Rosie O'Donnell, Russell Crowe, Oprah and Tom Cruise. But here's why I am writing—Eddie Murphy is Toothy Tile, right? God knows he's Toothy.
Walnut Creek, California

Dear Blacklisting Betty:
Eddie, Rosie, Russell and Tom aren’t too surprising celebs to leave a bad taste in people’s mouths. But what in heaven’s name do you have against Mama O? I’d think at least the cast of The Hills would wind up on a blacklist before Oprah. In any case, Eddie deserves a smart punch in his smilies, but he ain’t no Toothy.

Dear Ted:
I want to let you know I am currently on my deathbed and will be long gone before Toothy Tile is ever revealed. Can you just tell me? I will not reveal it to anyone!
Richmond, Virginia

Dearly Beloved:
My lips will be sealed at your wake. I'll bring a casserole, though!

February 5 2008

Toxic Talk Back

Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger sure as hell have ‘em biting back—reader-wise, that is—and, Jakey-poo’s ol’ gf Kirsten Dunst has some folks wondering what the ef.

Weaving Woe

Kirsten Dunst's reps are busy putting out the message that their client’s “all right,” despite K.D. having raised many an eyebrow in Sundance with unusual behavior—which those fab Page Sixers reported last week. Define all right. Is this all right, as in Brit Spears’ 'rents are getting through their dramadey all right, or is this more along the level of Reese and Jake are handling the press poking round their coffee clutches all right? I'm told it’s more the former. “She’s never really been the same since she broke up with Jake,” pooped a close Dunst hanger-on. “Never.” Wonder why, Jakey-babe? What’d you do to that gal, huh?

Also interesting to note K.D., who’s obvs one of the hottest gal stars in her age and movie range—thanks both to the Spider-Man franchise and Oscar-worthy appeal in flicks such as Marie Antoinette—hasn’t really made the same number of movies other actors at her burgeoning phase usually have.

Basically, Kirsten’s made one film since Antoinette, already two years old. Nicole Kidman, when she was Dunst’s age, made a movie every damn time she took a leak.

Kirsten, you just a diff type of career gal, or is something, uh...up? (‘Cause I hear there is.)

Dear Ted:
I agree with you on the Heath Ledger thing. My heart aches for his family and friends that he left behind, yet I feel worse for Michelle and their daughter. My fiancé, too, had a drug problem, and I left him to raise our son on my own. My fiancé was dead three years later from never getting the help he needed. My son will never know his father, nor will Matilda ever know hers. It's too tragic.
Scottsdale, Arizona

Dear Just Say No:
Hang in there, Kitty. And at least Matilda’s got a strong support system, including do-gooder godfather, Jake Gyllenhaal. Might confuse the hell out of her when she’s old enough to watch Brokeback Mountain, though.

Dear Ted:
Why hasn’t Jake Gyllenhaal made any comments about Heath Ledger’s death? Were they not friends?
Tempe, Arizona

Dear Brokenhearted Mountain:
Just the opposite—Jake is li'l Matilda’s godfather. Could you come up with a pitch-perfect press release, pronto, to honor one of your best buds? Give J.G. some time.

Dear Ted:
I think it is absolutely disgusting that Jake G. is out with Reese at a time like this. Does he have no shame left? It is like he is using Heath's death to promote this fauxmance.
New York City

Dear Tough Take:
Boy basically kept himself in hiding (on-set of his in-production flick) for a week following the news of his departed friend. How long do ya wanna box in Jakey-Poo’s mourning mug? The show—and life—must go on eventually.

February 12, 2008

Dear Ted:
Is the woman Toothy Tile's currently using as a beard also using him as a beard? In Old Hollywood, there were "lavender" marriages and relationships between two gay people of the opposite gender to throw off the public's suspicions. Do these still exist?
Des Moines, Iowa

Dear Crack Addict:
Get high much?

Dear Ted:
Thank you for being the voice of reason. I am sick of hearing unrelated people demand that Jake Gyllenhaal make a statement about Heath, or what to do when your good friend dies. Appalling! By the way, saw you on one of the U.K.'s countdown programs (100 Most Annoying Celebs), you looked radiant.

Dear Sympathetic C.:
Nothing's more annoying than impatient people crying for speeches. Thanks for the support, babe, but annoyance is in my DNA.

February 19, 2008

Dear Ted:
I know who Toothy Tile is! Dick Cheney! We haven’t seen him for, what, six months? He really is in the closet.

Dear Deranged:
You must drink as much as Dubya. Toothy Tile, for the record, is more than doable.

February 25 2008

Ms. Aw-Shucks Nice herself, Reese Witherspoon, showed up for some fine photo ops in her cute, casual and coordinated clothes, but her publicist wanted everyone to know Ree-Ree (who starred in and produced the pic) was sicky-poo and wouldn’t be talking to anyone. Ill, mon derriere! Girl just doesn’t want to answer any dang Jake questions. Wither-babe graciously gabbed to two camera outlets and jumped out of sight to mingle with the crowd of premiere partyers, ya know, just like an unwell woman is wont to do.

March 18, 2008

Who’s the mystery companion for Jake Gyllenhaal’s lunch in Hollywood? Should Reese be concerned?

Much Askew About Nothing

Jake Gyllenhaal, lapping up some lunch with a studio head on the Fox lot. J.G. spent the sunny day in a long-sleeve white thermal and black pants - can't report he was strutting around butt-nekkid in the sunshine, sorry. Jakey Blue Eyes finally shaved his babyface of that in-mourning scruff - hope the babe's feelin' better, we don't want those pearly whites to be hidden forever.

J.G. also was slightly limping. I suspect it's all that cavorting around cafés with Reese that's taking a toll on this typically tight-lipped, low-key lad. He trotted off in a Toyota Camry, proof that this unobnoxious stud likes to keep his presence truly private and out of People spreads. Wonder what changed his clandestine ways...maybe love? Hardly.

March 25 2008

Dear Ted:
Whatever happened to Toothy Tile? It's been ages since you've had a Blind Vice about him! Has he settled into a well-concealed domestic life, or did he just receive some discretion for Christmas?
Calgary, Alberta, Canada

Dear That's It:
Gifted to him by his agent, manager, publicist, gardener and current hetero squeeze.

Dear Ted:
Wondering what Toothy Tile has been up to lately. You haven't mentioned him since Heath Ledger died. I find that interesting. Could it be...
Edison, N.J.

Dear Good Question:
No, but not too far off.

April 1, 2008

Dear Ted:
Does Toothy Tile's girlfriend know that he's Toothy Tile? I'm thinking Toothy might be working his way toward her ex.
Concord, N.C.

Dear Tooth-Fake:
Yes, and quite possible. But only if he already had him. T2’s in lurve, doncha know.

April 15, 2008

Dear Ted:
You are always looking for someone to replace Toothy. Well it ain't gonna happen. Toothy is the one we love and the one who makes our hearts beat fast. Get it up, dude.
Mt. Laurel, N.J.

Dear Confused:
No thanks, but Tooth might be interested in your “get it up” invite, as long as you’re making the request in the dark corner of a West Hollywood parking lot.

April 22, 2008

Dear Ted:
Got to ask…is Toothy Tile the obnoxious Spencer Pratt? Not that I think he, Heidi, Lauren and the group are actors by any means, but he and Heidi sure seem to be putting on an "act" with all the lovey-dovey fake photo moments. Seems like they have the perfect fake relationship. Also, what's up with Audrina? Every picture that girl takes has her eyes rolling up into her head...gross!
Mundelein, Ill.

Dear Hills Headache:
There’s nothing we know (or care) less about than the intricacies of the epic melodrama that is The Hills, except, perhaps, what goes on—or not—in Hugh Hefner's boudoir. That said, one thing we know for certain is that Spencer is no Toothy, nor will he ever be.

Dear Ted:
Does Toothy's girlfriend know he's fond of boys, too?
São Paulo, Brazil

Dear Naive:
Sim, my São Paulo peach. Just like the last one.

April 25 2008

Firm Disbeliever

Loved Jeanne Wolf’s Parade piece about Patrick Dempsey having “pec envy” over Grey’s Eric Dane. Patrick went to great lengths to tell J.W. how he doesn’t want to be ripped for TV or anything like that. Is that so? Dude’s spent many a sweaty sesh right next to my not entirely ripped ass (don’t go there, folks), preening and pumping away. Dempsey’s as self-obsessed as the rest of us, no more, no less. Except, maybe for Jake Gyllenhaal. Mr. G used to strut and stretch right next to Dempsey, me and Tobey Maguire, all at the same pumping station. Dempsey outdid us all, particularly the half-butt workout Jakey, no question. P.D. never stops. He be fibbin’ to poor Jeannie!

April 29, 2008

Dear Ted:
I'm terrible at Blind Vices; I never even try to figure them out. But I've finally been tempted to take a guess about Toothy Tile's identity. Is it...George Eads? Love the column, and I'm not even a celebrity groupie!

Dear CSLies:
Your CSI-specific Toothy guess makes me think you’d search down Georgie-boy for an autograph...or more. Lucky for your celeb fantasies, he isn't Tooth-babe.

Dear Ted:
What is going to happen first: Are we ever going to find out who Toothy Tile is, or is our planet going to be destroyed because aliens don't like the way they are portrayed in J.J Abrams' flicks?

Dear Outting Space:
You’ll be seasick from Cloverfield 2 before T.T. gets some cojones, that’s my hunch.

Dear Ted:
Read that Jessica Biel is making a movie with Jakey. How the hell does this talentless girl get these jobs?

Dear Duh:
Same way she keeps snagging men like Justin Timberlake.

Dear Ted:
Love being able to click right to you from the homepage. I guess the data showed that you were a top destination. You go, girlfriend!

Dear Butt Licker:
It’s not me they want, it’s Toothy Tile (big bottom-diva tease). But thanks, darlin’, appreciate the almost successful sycophancy!

May 2 2008

Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile's boyfriend a goose or a fish?
Brenda Sue
Sunset Beach, Calif.

Dear Neither:
He’s a fox.

Dear Ted:
Oh, please! You must start using warning signs when you conjure up visual images such as this one: "Jake Gyllenhaal used to strut and stretch right next to Patrick Dempsey, me and Tobey Maguire, all at the same pumping station." What are you trying to do, give your readers heart palpitations or something similar a little lower down? Made my day!
New York City

Dear Gym Bunnies:
No prob, and feel free to write up some fan fiction of the four of us fellas, makes great reading material (and more).

May 13, 2008

Dear Becky:
As Ted isn't giving us so much as a bone lately, what do you know about Toothy? Anything?

Dear Smiley Secret:
I know enough not to give away his identity while Ted’s gone.

May 14 2008

one particular piece of Reese Witherspoon ain't so sweet and delicious

Talking the Talk, Not Walking the Walk

Some stars come off as so benevolent and compassionate for causes of all kinds, you'd swear they would be your best friend (and spiritual advisor) if only the two of you met. Surely a gal who's always altruistic would be the best person to listen to you bitch about boys over brunch, right? Angelina Jolie’s bounty of constant globe-trotting pretty much trumps everyone's attempts at procuring world peace, even while pregnant...the show-off.A more down-to-earth example is Reese Witherspoon, another constantly caring cutie whom we’d love to share a friendship bracelet with. Reesie simply radiates tons of appealing attributes—Oscar winner, doting mother, looks divine even after a divorce and is seen gallivanting around town with her Gyllen-pal. Plus, R.W. recently acted as the honorary chair for the Avon Foundation’s Breast Cancer walkathon. Wither-babe’s heart must surely be the size of a watermelon, right?

Maybe not.

Our Desk Dee-Cee, who acted as part of the crowd-control crew for the Washington walk (and who had participated for several years as a walker and supporter), was told all hush-hush that Ree-Ree would be walking the last mile or so, so the crew could keep an eye on her lest any of the walkers turn into autograph seekers midstride. Turns out R Dubs wasn't seen stepping an inch of the 39-mile, two-day walk. Gal just showed up at the closing ceremonies and spoke about how “exciting” and “awesome” the whole event was, soaking up all the energy vicariously, it seems.

Sure, a celeb’s name and face bring out the big crowds, not to mention the big cash. And cancer can’t be cured by good intentions alone—financing is always part of the problem, unforch, which means any way money can be made should be considered if it results in more research. But couldn’t this supposed sweetheart have found the time to actually walk a few measly miles for the cause she’s the friggin’ face of? Don’t just slap your smile on a charity and call it a day, babe. We know Reese-hon’s got the bod for a couple of kilometers, and what’s wrong with a little fresh air? Lord knows there isn't enough of that in Hell-Ay

May 20 2008

Absurd Droppings

Tom Cruise has a surprising connection to Jake Gyllenhaal, and it's probably not what you think. What dirty birds you all are! Ready to swoop today?

Cruising, Snoozing

Tom Cruise was seen on the Fox lot—then again, where isn't he seen nowadays? 'Member when he was a predominantly private person, with a powerhouse publicist keeping all the embarrassing info out of the public? Seems like a distant dream, doesn't it?

T.C. met with an exec, hopefully brainstorming a better project for the grappling actor than the ones he's been messing around with at his own prod company. What makes this meeting of the minds muy interesante, to us anyway, is that this is the very same exec that Jake Gyllenhaal lunched with just last week.

Jakey-darling hasn't had a hit flick since Brokeback Mountain (it's still a blessed shock to think a gay-themed film was a blockbuster, huh?), but he's been churning out the critic-approved serious cinema with his one-word wonders Jarhead, Proof and Zodiac.

Sure, not even a rumored on-set romance with Reese got anybody riled up to see Rendition, but J.G.'s handsome mug is still seen in as many respectable films as gossip rags. Tommykins could stand to learn a few tricks from this subtle performing genius.

Since his couch-trapezing three years ago, Cruisey's been in just two flicks, the limp M:I threequel and the nap-inducing Lions for Lambs. The remainder of his overexposed mayhem's been saved for offscreen shenanigans, be it getting hitched in Italian castles, fathering the most mysterious baby since Rosemary's and touring Posh 'n' Becks around Bev Hills.

And though I doubt Tom-C ever intended his turtlenecked, Tickle Me Elmo laughing Scientology promo vid to hit the 'Net, it just helped cement his newfound place as America's Punchline, as opposed to the movie star he once was.

How about instead of rewiring your career with desperate comedies like Hardy Men or controversial (and potentially catastrophic) Valkyrie, why not tackle something you've never tried before. A vacation? Pack up li'l Suri, recharge Katie's batteries, and flee for awhile. We can't diss ya if we miss ya, Tom.

Dear Ted:
Your One Karma-Killin' Blind Vice about Butch Spit-Spat and his underage son "dating" the older woman came out in TMZ. Butch is Billy Bob Thornton; poor kid is his son. Awesome reporting—you beat the authorities by a month. Hopefully, the LAPD will subscribe to your site!
Greensboro, N.C.

Dear Goss Gal:
Now, if only TMZ could help all of you reveal that pesky Toothy Tile.

May 27, 2008

Dear Ted:
You said Reese and Jake were only a publicity stunt and, frankly, it looks like more than that. Lately you are always wrong! Maybe its time you change spies...

Dear Dumb-Butt:
I imagine you were convinced to become a Tom Cruise fan again, after his latest Oprah appearance.

June 3, 2008

Dear Ted:
Since L. Armstrong and J. Gyllenhaal are friends, would you say Lance is to Kate Hudson what Jake is to Reese Witherspoon? Becky Bain did a great job in your absence, but still... welcome back!
Buenos Aires, Argentina

Dear Duh:
Since J dates R and L dates K then, uh, yeah I would say so. And ain’t B2 great?

June 4, 2008

Friends, Flames and Foes

John Mayer's spreading the love all over the Hell-Ay, even more so on his own blog, quickly trumping Reese and Jake at their own PDA game.

And now a word about Jake Gyllenhaal, eternal boyish wonder, and Reese Witherspoon, Jen’s ol’ Friends sis. Cannot tell you how many folks have contacted, written, phoned, chased me down at screenings, Gelson’s, parties, just to find out what the ef’s up with these two. I’ve said it before, I’ll blab it again: nothing. Nothing save brilliance, mind you. I mean, Clooney, the hardest dude to nab in H'wood, could learn from this dude Gyllenhaal.

"They’re very, very good friends," remarked a Githerspoon source who knows the two beauties well. "They’re helping each other out right now through some rough spots, that’s it."

Jeez, what could be rougher than being young and gorgeous, unattached and gifted with stunning hair? What do these two have to complain about? OK, well Reese’s failed marriage with Ryan, for starters. And then, I suppose, if you were truly desperate, you could add Rendition to Jakey’s problematic past. But that’s really stretching it. My hunch? They’re supergood BFFs who don’t mind in the least when every People photog worth his or her anal-probe camera happens to hunt them down at myriad coffee clutches and Beverly Hills mansions. They’ll ride this one as long as they see fit. The gushing, hyperventilating press only makes them both more viable, far more than on their own.

Remember, Reese didn’t get that Oscar for nuthin’.

June 5, 2008

One Headline-Hereditary

Pork-Me Pop-Off, a veritable newbie to the barracuda-infested world of boldface names and gossip slinging, is poised to overtake his more famous sibling, Slurpa, an expert at infamy and clandestine canoodling. Only Pork-Me doesn’t really realize the dubious media powers he holds, how naïve...how very sweet!

See, Pork-Me, has had his troubles, too, just like Slurpa. He loves to be bad and lives to be loved, having never really been truly adored. And of course, it’s P.M.’s bad-boy ways that have begun to scratch and gnaw at Ms. Pop-Off’s notoriety, which she holds dearer than anyone or anything. This is not a joke in the least.

But Slurpa has just laughed laughed laughed at her sibling’s arguably pathetic attempts at upstaging her in the real-life episodes of Offspring Gone Wild, T-town’s regular chronicling of who’s acting up the best (and the most expensively). I’ll tell ya this much, though: She ain't gonna be chuckling much longer, as her current, rather tentative hold on the grizzly goss zeitgeist is about to change drastically, once it's revealed Pork-Me’s gal dumped him because she’s sick of him using her to hide something.

Like the fact that he’s gay.

And It Ain't : Jake Gyllenhaal, Bryan Spears, Ray J

June 9, 2008

Dear Ted:
Thanks for the update on Jake and Reese (and I think it's Gyllenspoon instead of Githerspoon, though you know best!). But why are you the only one out there reporting that these two are a sham? Elsewhere, all we hear about are engagement rumors.
Chattanooga, Tenn.

Dear Let's Spoon:
Who says it's a sham, darling? They truly are adorably, terribly close. Just like sisters!

Dear Ted:
On May 21 you wrote about Lance A. having “such nice legs (and, yes, I’ve seen them up close and personal, just like Sheryl and a few other assorted, as well as, smitten celeb types).” How close? How personal?

Dear Hairy Wonder:
Close enough.

June 17, 2008

Dear Ted:
I know you're tired of the Toothy Tile questions, but I think I have an answer: "Toothy" is Vin Diesel! Correct me if I'm wrong.
Los Angeles

Dear Toothache:
You be wrong, too, hon-bun. Think less meaty.

June 18, 2008

Navigating Naughtiness

Jake Gyllenhaal gets into a few compromising positions

Stretching It

Let’s have a moment of silence for the end of one of H’wood’s golden couples—shimmering, as far as their hair is concerned, anyway. Blondies Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe are officially and totally divorced as of this week, tho both parties really, in their hearts (and other sweaty locales), had jumped ship before they separated back in '06.

Both R&R appear more than okeydoke with the way things turned out—but we bet Reesikins has def been declared the winner in this battle of the exes. Ry’s got his poor-man’s Reese replacement, Aussie Abbie Cornish, while Witherbabe possesses two of the most coveted men in H’wood: Oscar and Jake Gyllenhaal. The Gyllenspork (are these verbal fusings making you puke as much as we are, yet?) guy ‘n’ gal are still going, against all odds, par-tick all over Hell-Ay. In fact, guess how the amour babes celebrated Reesie’s Big D? Romantic din din at Cut, full of love-nothing’s and well-done proclamations for each other? A night of naughty lovemaking up at the Madonna Inn? Nope.

Yoga. Yeah, R dragged her buff beau to a stretch class at Santa Monica’s YogaHop on a Saturday afternoon. Is this how the supposedly sexiest duo in T-town really breaks a sweat? Either that or she couldn’t stand a single second (or photo op) away from her fella. Our sly exercising source said the celebs, each with their own personal yoga mat, were supercute together, with R.W. keeping Jakey-boy as comfortable as possible for his first yoga class at this peaceful place.

The adorable dolls did their best downward-facing dogs and lotus poses without any PDAs and slipped out early, prolly to avoid the after-class crowd. Wouldn’t be surprised if the BFF babes hightailed it over to the mall for a facial and matching mani-pedi makeovers.

June 20, 2008

The Boys of Sizzling Summer

OMMG! (That's Oh-My-Mystery-God!, babes), we've got yet another Toothy Tile in the works, how divinely hideous, so check out our sexually outrageous Blind Vice Friday. Plus, David Cook doesn't hold back romantically, either, and who's got Anderson Cooper all hot 'n' furrow-browed, huh?

Heavy Betting

Oh my, who's the latest closeted Hollywood star putting Toothy Tile's daring public nooky shenanigans to shame? Any guesses on Public Thrust, darlings, our newest boy who likes to do it while everyone watches? Clues comin' up!

One PDA Pooftah Blind Vice

No, not Toothy Tile. For a change. Ever since ol’ Tooth re-recommitted to Gray Goose and they got all hideously domesticated, our double-T seems to have lost his devotion to doing it in every open space he can manage. Like WeHo parking lots and the such. I mean, so many men just have sex the same way they pee, right? Let it fly (whatever the bodily liquid) wherever ya want! Morals be damned, a man’s gotta go—or go-go—when he’s gotta, right?

Right, squeals our latest boy wonder in the annals of Hollywood homosexual clandestine coupling. Dude’s name is Public Thrust. He’s a star of considerable rising proportions, is on some huge-ass projects. Huge. P.T.’s career is certainly humming along just fine, thanks much. And isn’t it fascinating, P.T.’s peeps, who supposedly have his best interests in mind, are doing their best to steer Mr. Thrust away from any gay projects that come dancing his way (‘cause, let’s face it, the guy looks as queer as my hair), all the while Public-babe is hitting some H-town parties that don’t exactly cater to the beer-and-football type o’ guys.

More specifically? Let’s just say that while Thrust’s managers and such are doing their best to keep their star out of anything remotely Brokeback Mountain-esque, P.T.’s performing, quite impressively, I must say, at some H'wood dos where doing each other is the point of the gathering. Orgies, gay ones—in case you’re having trouble reading my totally homo cryptospeak.

You know what this means, don’t you? It’s the same with Toothy. It’s the same with married men who cheat. It’s all about getting caught, in other words. Public, just like Tooth, wants to be found out. They desire to be out. But they just can’t seem to find the guts to do it. So they let their peckers do the walking, or talking, as it were.

Congrats on your Blind Vice badge of Honor, Public! Welcome to the chubby clubby!

And it ain’t: Tom Welling, John Krasinski, David Archuleta

June 24, 2008

Dear Ted:
Correct me if I'm wrong, but in your recent Truth, Lies, and Ted video, there are at least two comical clues as to why Jake and Reese will not be living passionately ever after. One clue was visual, the other verbal, but both reaffirmed your status as gossip's most clever columnist! Kudos!
Dover, N.H.

Dear Between the Lines:
Was that when I was cleaning out the cat litter?

Dear Ted:
Love the column, Ted! Especially Sex, Lies and Ted! Great to see you in the flesh again, baby. I've noticed a few let's say "dubious" pairings in H'wood. How many reasons are there for a phony romance? Particularly when it is a serial occurrence?
New York City

Dear Repeat Offender:
First off, it’s Truth, Lies and Ted. Sex, Lies and Ted would be quite a different show, but glad to see where your mind is going. And faux-mances are all formed for one thing: publicity.

Dear Ted:
I think just about every man in Hollywood has been suggested for Toothy, so there is only one guy left: It’s gotta be Carrot Top! Please Tedly, tell us someday soon—I might be dead by the time you spill...
El Paso, Texas

Dear Not the Top:
Don’t insult the annals of this column’s beauty, darling, please.

Dear Ted:
Hold on there a minute, mister. What do you have against Illinois, the land of Lincoln? We have everything you've got if not better. So in the fashion of honest Abe, I expect you to answer this truthfully, to redeem yourself, as I know you're sorry for that tawdry remark: Is Toothy's hair dark or light?

Dear Abe-l:
Somewhere in between, sorta like the truth. Calm down about Illinois, Oprah lives there, so I suppose you have half a point, at least.

June 25, 2008

I Want Eye Candy

Two reality stars start up just as soon as one of them is about to hit the road, while Jake Gyllenhaal apparently gets choosy when it comes to personal (assistant) matters.

It's a Woman's World

As if Naomi Campbell wasn’t exacting enough, now we’ve got our darling Jakey Gyllenhaal being a tad pushy, too. It’s all so treacherous these days watching celeb-ville get more and more cantankerous. Did you know Mr. G is currently looking for a new assistant? Must be all those coffee and yoga dates with Reese-love—I’m sure they’re all hell to put together, those sweaty appointments. Help is needed by the dimpled dude!

But don’t bother applying if you’re a guy. Insiders knowledgeable with the star who’s dating the chick known for always buying two calendars (in case one gets too smudgy half way through the year), say Gyllenhaal is more interested in a female assistant. Doesn’t surprise moi, really, ‘cause everybody knows men gossip more than women. Known fact, babe-cakes.

July 1, 2008

The Ballsy Replies Have It

Dear Ted:
Are you ready to concede defeat on Jake yet? Or do you wish to add further embarrassment to yourself? Hello! has a story about Reese and Jake cohabitating. Everyone's lying though, right? Everyone but you. For a "showmance" they sure spend a lot of time together out of the public view. Get a clue, buddy, and stop spreading lies about people.

Dear Gyllenblind:
Hello!, the record of who's really diddling whom in this town? Give me a break.

Dear Ted:
Here's my take on gay Hollywood: If only one gay A-list couple would come out and have a public affair, have a row in public, break up, get back together, go furniture shopping in public, get married, adopt a cute baby and get a divorce—i.e. act like a straight Hollywood couple—they would sell just as many magazines. If Hollywood execs saw that gay people can bring in money, they wouldn't be afraid of casting them.

Dear One Sex Fits All:
Wish it were that simple. T.R. Knight and his boy toy are happy to be seen hand in hand for all the paps, but do ya see him scoring any leading man movie roles?

Dear Ted:
If Toothy Tile and Public Thrust want to be caught so badly, why don't they just come out already?

Dear Dental Work:
If it's voluntary, then they can't deny anything if they change their minds.

Dear Ted:
I don't get it. So, Jake G. is looking for a new, preferably female, assistant. Why does that make him picky and/or cantankerous? And to mention him in the same breath as Naomi Campbell—that's stretching it just a teensy bit, don't you think?
Wilmington, Del.

Dear Ass-istant:
Maybe you should apply for the Gyllen-gig and get back to us. Would make a fabulous item, trust.

July 11, 2008

Baby on Surfboard

Lindsay Lohan ain’t the only one celebrating a birthday this month—it’s a baby bonanza, babes. This week, Nicole Kidman gave birth to baby girl Sunday Rose Kidman-Urban, and Matthew McConaughey welcomed bongo-bangin’ baby boy Levi Alves McConaughey. Both kids have a lot of common characteristics to chitchat about once they start talking—strange names, stranger parents.

Which kid do ya think will have a harder time being raised by these famous folks? Little Levi will prolly grow up to be an accountant or some other uptight, pencil-pushing nine-to-fiver, just to piss off his hippie dad. Kids love rules, so we hear, and we doubt daddy Matty’s got it in him to be a hard-nosed father figure who can discipline at will. Maybe he can call over uncle Jake Gyllenhaal to lay down the law when sonny boy destroys all of pop’s surfboards

July 17, 2008

Super Sibs: Jake Gyllenhaal and Maggie Gyllenhaal: Jakey-Poo’s already cemented his status as a leading man, and Mag-doll certainly is a megawatt star on the rise, taking over Mrs. Cruise's role in The Dark Knight. We’d love to see these cuties play onscreen sibs again like they did in Donnie Darko.

July 22, 2008

Dear Ted:
Does what you're doing while taping Truth, Lies & Ted have anything to do with the story you're delivering at the time? Case in point: holding a big honkin' rolling pin and telling Jake Gyllenhaal "way to go, you dude shafter."
Dickinson, Texas

Dear Coinky-dink:
How funny! No idea I was doing that!

July 25, 2008

Back and Ballsier Than Ever

Our beloved mystery closet job, Toothy Tile, is back, dancing the out-me dance yet again in Blind Vice Friday.

Blind Vice, Don't Tempt Me

Toothy Tile makes it perfectly clear he's 100 percent certain this very column will never reveal his identity. Hmmm. That one is so funny, Toothy. Reminds me I forgot to tell you all that once my divorce comes through, I'll be engaged to the remaining unmarried Bush daughter!

One Fruit-of-the-Doom Blind Vice

OK, was going to do the Blind Vice story on the Academy Award-friendly actress who thinks her cats can read, which is why she has their names written on their separate litter boxes, but that tale simply pales in comparison to Toothy Tile, who’s back and gayer than, like, ever! Dude’s losin’ his recent, overly prissy, shy shit and gettin’ his non-Nellie nerve back on (much to everyone’s surprise, just not mine).

See, ol’ Tooth, our fave partner in sex-in-public crime is being just as brazen, only with words, not his crotch. The pretty boy (man, on occasion) is gleefully telling more than a few gossipy girls—which means boys, natch, in highly exaggerated fagola speak, but then, I’m sure you already knew that, hon-cakes—that he’s quite aware the hunt for his identity is on. And has been for sometime. Says he enjoys it, even. Who wouldn’t, really? Especially if you’re dead certain your identity will never be revealed. Yep, that’s right.

T2 says he’s havin’ such a fab gay ol’ experience of it all because he’s “sure,” as it’s been relayed to this columnist, that the true identity of Mr. Tile will never, ever be discussed by yours truly. Oh, really? Is that so?

Just don’t count on it, bud. What with the myriad lies to the public (I mean, really, you’re as bad about your true sexual persuasion as Cathy Douglas is with her age), you're on thin vice, babe, so watch it.

And it ain’t: Matthew Broderick, Ricky Martin, Wentworth Miller

July 29, 2008

Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile Vince Vaughn, and is Pickled Fickle from One Rent-a-Wreck Blind Vice Heather Locklear?

Dear Sexuality Crasher:
The real T2’s simply horrified you suggested Vaughn, horrified! See, Toothy’s rather svelte, and Pickled Fickle’s a man, dear. Give H.L. a little more credit.

Dear Ted:
Is it still true that the person featured in your Blind Vice is still named in your column the day the B.V. appears? Or since your column went daily, does the individual only appear sometime during the week when the B.V. is about to run?

Dear Sneaking Around:
Darling, this is a gossip column, not Scientific American. We give clues all over the place, but it’s sort like sex — when we feel like it. And yes, often that's by mentioning the culprit elsewhere.

July 31, 2008

Quakes, Queers 'n' Sneers!
Teddy C.'s house shakes as much as Christian Bale's rep these days! Plus, Tori dishes domesticity, not to mention 90210, and Toothy Tile has some majorly smokin' competition coming up, can't wait!

Dangerous Doings
Elsewhere, not only am I being chastised for saying I don’t buy Lance Armstrong’s new aw-shucks-I’m-just-an-American benevolence reinvention (this man’s a player like nobody’s biz, just ask freshly ejected Kate Hudson if you don't believe), Toothy Tile’s handlers ain’t too happy with me either, not to mention camp Tom Cruise, girlfriends. Sure, there are more than a few behind-the-scenes T-town wizards who would be more than happy to see my glass house shatter and crumble deep into a ravine...me, head first, along with it.

Read Herring?
Oh, before we get to such scintillating bits ‘n’ boobiness—means Tori Spelling’s on the way, trust—must tell you all that I dare say Toothy Tile must be paying a very well known, blockbuster-starring actor to homo-outdo his gay ways. Hate to be a tease ‘n’ all (that’s a damn lie), but you’ll just have to wait until Friday’s Blind Vice to find out the deets, hon-childs. I mean, maybe that nasty fag bitch Christopher Ciccone really has let loose something in the celeb air right now, what with his sibling-stabbing memoirs and the hilarious Cristina Crawford-esque interviews he’s pulling ‘round town. ‘Cause Toothy’s new matinee rival is pulling really over-the-top, stereotypical Rock Hudson retro sex shenanigans. Delish, can’t wait to tell you all!

August 1, 2008

Mischief Mavens
Toothy Tile's got some big-box (office) competition with a similarly closeted mega movie star who's awfully kinky by the pool—check it out in Blind Vice Friday! Plus, is Kate Hudson a divorcée in distress? Oh, mama, say it ain't so!

Drowning in Deceit
Crotch Uh-Lastic is the latest T-town lad to loosen his gay inhibitions—as long as he's at home by the pool with a damn-near porn script! Check it out in an all-wet, all-new Blind Vice!

July 31, 2008

One Draw-Strung-Out Blind Vice

Toothy Tile, doll-hon, you’ve met your homo match. ‘Cause there’s a new rising, closeted star in town (actually, he’s been rising for, like, ages now, but, whatev) who’s putting your clandestine, closeted—not to mention kinky!—ways to shame. Maybe you know him? Name’s Crotch Uh-Lastic. Ring a bell, babe? Thought so.

Now, keep in mind, Toothy and Crotch have never made a flick together, though they do both go in for the same roles rather often. Similar brooding thing going on. You know, that tough yet tangible, touchable, almost boyish loveliness, a little crusty on the sides, too. Know the type? Oh who cares about actor oeuvre, let’s get to the dirty part and oozing sex outta control, my little horn-hons!

So Crotch, like a lot of his hetero counterparts in this Biz, is all wrapped up in fantasy. Whereas Toothy likes it dangerous and out in the open—Hollywood parking lots, anybody?—Crotch prefers his assignations played out as if they were the plots of one of his artier flicks (he's had plenty). This is how the boy likes it: He chooses a stud, latest one being a straight—wink, wink, right—trainer who’s busy trying to get a modeling/acting/smoldering-look career going and asks him to come over to the Hollywood pad. Mr. U.-L. has an East Coast home, too, but the pool in his Hollywood hang is so much fun for game playing. The man-meat Crotch has selected is told, beforehand, to await his limo ride to the Hell-Ay house and, once he arrives, to head straight to the pool area, adorned with chaise lounges. On these tastefully tufted settees, like little lost Saks Fifth Avenue summer catalog lovelies, lay various box-cut (never Speedo, how Matthew McConaughey!) swim trunks.

Silently, oh so discreetly, the stud-for-hire is then told to take off all his clothes and put on any of the suits he likes, at which point Crotch struts out and the inevitable seduction, complete with end-of-the-show water works, begin. And Crotch can only get the ol’ equipment up and hosing, I’m told, if said scenario is pursued.

How damn exhausting. Whatever happened to a little sweat, not too much intrigue and even fewer props? Is that so old-fashioned? For Crotch, the answer would be yes.

And it ain't: Tobey Maguire, Topher Grace, Matthew McConaughey

Source: Ted Casablanca's Blind Spot, July 31, 2008

August 5, 2008

Dear Ted:
Two questions: First, can you confirm any of the old Blind Vices that are already public knowledge? And second, is Sheila Muff-Driver from One Desperate-Diva Blind Vice Faye Dunaway?

Dear Seeing Spots:

August 8, 2008

Blind Vice Friday! Closeted Stars Are Dummies!

This is just great. Not only is Crotch Uh-Lastic, whom you all met last week—-and whom I could have sworn it would be at least a few weeks before we all said hullo to again—really does have his brains stuffed deep inside his paramours’ overly tight swimsuits. See, the big-screen idol, whose pics make all kinds of bucks because their themes are all so brilliantly multiplatform, is doing things just like Toothy Tile. Now that word’s just beginning to get out that Crotch loves to lure "straight" men back to his Hollywood pad and have them don all sorts of skimpy swimwear (just so CUL can slowly take it right off), Crotchy-poo’s pullin’ an emergency Toothy!

Suddenly, Crotch's rarely seen (female) significant other is out at events more. Suddenly, the S.O.'s mentioned in media interviews. Suddenly, the S.O., who’s more East Coast based, is in Hell-Ay! None of this happened until more than just days prior to last week's baddy Blind, believe me. Oh, and then—quite the opposite—gone missing are Mr. U.L.’s previously very homo-friendly statements to the press. It’s all so Rock Hudson, really. Or Toothy Tile, as I said before. Now, a word to the surreptitious swim fan: T2, even though a surprisingly large amount of folks are buying this ersatz domesticity you're pulling off so well in the tabloids and such, it ain’t gonna work with you, bro. At least, not while you’re having nooky delivered to your house in limos. At least Tooth keeps it somewhat discreet with the BF!

And It Ain't: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Matthew Broderick, Sean "Diddy" Combs

August 11, 2008

Dear Ted:
Maybe the new site should be dubbed the Big Banana? You should put a little more fear into Toothy Tile by revealing another Blind Vice. Game?

Dear Dare-Doll:
You bet. But judging from the way Crotch Uh-Lastic is gaining closeted-sex game playing on our beloved Tooth, I dare say it’ll be he who’s uncovered before Tooth — shall we dub him Toothy 2? Let’s!

August 13, 2008

Dear Ted:
What describes Toothy Tiles's situation better: "Single Tile," "Mr. and Mr. Tile" or "Family Tile"? Please, could you include clues and hints more often about him? What happened to that great idea to dedicate one day a month to only Toothy questions?

Dear Multiple Choice:
Family Tile. Don’t remember committing to one day a month trying to ferret out T.T.’s identity. Still, don’t think that’s enough for my taste.

Dear Ted:
I so wish that you would/could reveal Toothy Tile. In the meantime, is Crotch Uh-Lastic Josh Hartnett? He is brooding, boyish and certainly crusty.
St. Louis, Mo.

Dear Crotch Catch:
So close (much more so than Mr. H. would like, I’m sure). But alas, wrong dude. Think more talented. By, like, a lot.

Dear Ted:
Greetings from the great Football Hall of Fame city! Love your column and read it ravenously at lunchtime...great escape! I was just wondering if Crotch Uh-Lastic could be Kevin Spacey? And maybe Toothy Tile is John C. Reilly?
Canton, Ohio

Dear No Touchdowns:
Keep trying, babe, way off on both. Think more good-lookin’ than either Kev or Johnny C., sorry fellas, it’s a superficial world out there.

August 15, 2008

Dear Ted:
Still getting used to the blog but still lovin' the goss. I'm stumped by your new addition, Crotch Uh-Lastic. I'm hoping it's not my favorite hunk-a-licious Christian Bale. Everything you say makes me think of him—the S.O. suddenly appearing, the dark, brooding roles, artsy films, and he has gone for similar roles as Toothy Tile. Please say it ain't him.

Dear Cat Woman:
Poor old C.B. has enough drama in his life at the mo to be Crotch. Think slightly less fabulously paid.

August 20, 2008

Dear Ted:
Has Crotch Uh-Lastic ever invited Toothy Tile to swim in his pool? Have you ever used two different monikers for the same person?
Peter, New York City

Dear Peter Patrol:
I believe no, and certainly not. That would be like double skinny-dipping!

Dear Ted:
Is Baby Tile Sunday Rose Kidman Urban?

Dear Det. Diapers:
Nope, but great guess, babe. Just not with Keith, as he's, um, greased in every heterosexual sense of the word.

August 22, 2008

Dear Ted:
What do you think of Jake G's new princely body? Hottie or nottie? I'd have liked it if only he had chosen to reveal it in the context of the movie and without doing a staged photo op with Reese in the middle of the desert. Everything they do together is too calculated and publicity conscious for my taste.

Dear Go Jake or Go Home:
Jakey-Poo's ripped bod might be the only way to get us to one of his flicks. Rendition anyone?

August 26, 2008

Dear Ted:
Please don't be like Toothy himself when asked a tough question. Just give a simple answer. A yes or no will do. No beating around the bush or skirting the issue. Is there a Baby Tile?
Tom, Mt. Laurel

Dear Gay Shooter:

August 29, 2008

Dear Ted:
Ted, I love your wit, and the new retina-burning format is starting to grow on me. You said there's a Baby Tile — is there another one on the way? Is it Ben Affleck?

Dear Baby Q:
Such the good guess, babes, so right in so many brunet directions, alas, it's the wrong two-timing type.

Click for Part 2:
Toothy Tile Archive - Part 2