Tuesday, 24 June 2008

Truth, Lies and Ted

Dear Ted:
Correct me if I'm wrong, but in your recent Truth, Lies, and Ted video, there are at least two comical clues as to why Jake and Reese will not be living passionately ever after. One clue was visual, the other verbal, but both reaffirmed your status as gossip's most clever columnist! Kudos!
Dover, N.H.

Dear Between the Lines:
Was that when I was cleaning out the cat litter?

Dear Ted:
Love the column, Ted! Especially Sex, Lies and Ted! Great to see you in the flesh again, baby. I've noticed a few let's say "dubious" pairings in H'wood. How many reasons are there for a phony romance? Particularly when it is a serial occurrence?
New York City

Dear Repeat Offender:
First off, it’s Truth, Lies and Ted. Sex, Lies and Ted would be quite a different show, but glad to see where your mind is going. And faux-mances are all formed for one thing: publicity.

Dear Ted:
I think just about every man in Hollywood has been suggested for Toothy, so there is only one guy left: It’s gotta be Carrot Top! Please Tedly, tell us someday soon—I might be dead by the time you spill...
El Paso, Texas

Dear Not the Top:
Don’t insult the annals of this column’s beauty, darling, please.

Dear Ted:
Hold on there a minute, mister. What do you have against Illinois, the land of Lincoln? We have everything you've got if not better. So in the fashion of honest Abe, I expect you to answer this truthfully, to redeem yourself, as I know you're sorry for that tawdry remark: Is Toothy's hair dark or light?

Dear Abe-l:
Somewhere in between, sorta like the truth. Calm down about Illinois, Oprah lives there, so I suppose you have half a point, at least.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth and The Awful Express newsletter


June 25, 2008

I Want Eye Candy
Two reality stars start up just as soon as one of them is about to hit the road, while Jake Gyllenhaal apparently gets choosy when it comes to personal (assistant) matters. ...

It's a Woman's World

As if Naomi Campbell wasn’t exacting enough, now we’ve got our darling Jakey Gyllenhaal being a tad pushy, too. It’s all so treacherous these days watching celeb-ville get more and more cantankerous. Did you know Mr. G is currently looking for a new assistant? Must be all those coffee and yoga dates with Reese-love—I’m sure they’re all hell to put together, those sweaty appointments. Help is needed by the dimpled dude!

But don’t bother applying if you’re a guy. Insiders knowledgeable with the star who’s dating the chick known for always buying two calendars (in case one gets too smudgy half way through the year), say Gyllenhaal is more interested in a female assistant. Doesn’t surprise moi, really, ‘cause everybody knows men gossip more than women. Known fact, babe-cakes.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth