Thursday, 20 November 2008

Gyllenspoon-Fed Merde

October 22, 2008

Dear Ted:
What's this you said in the last Truth, Lies & Ted about my favorite actor of all time, Paul Newman? You were talking about what a shame it would be if sham couple Jake and Reese tried to make like a "modern-day Paul and Joanne." I'll still love him anyway, but tell me one of H'wood's greatest love stories ain't a sham! Love you and your bitchin' bitchiness.
—Lauren, Chicago

Dear Newman's Own Fan:
No fakery we know of betwixt Paul and his longtime sweetie. Meant it would be heresy if J&R played house like those two, 'cause they ain't nothing like the real thing.


Dear Ted:
Are Reese and Jake the new TomKat? I think robot-boyfriend Jake is the new Katie.
—Gray

Dear GyllenKat:
I think they're both robots.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth
***

Jake Gyllenhaal - Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
October 28, 2008

Morning Piss: Gyllenspoon-Fed Merde

J'adore Reese and Jake. Those sweethearts are two of the most talented, adorable and luscious babes to hit T-town in some time.

Don't agree?

Think Reese is just a pixie-ish little waif with pale sex appeal? Think again. And if you consider Jake all boyish 'n' bashful brooding, no real outward he-man stuff goin' down, think again on that score, as well. R 'n' J are both terrifically not of what you see in real life.

And this whole aw-shucks romance they've got going down is so not how both types really are — why in the world the public is lapping it up, hook, line and photo-op, is beyond me.

Just look at their pics together, everybody! They act like bro 'n' sis (and not even particularly close ones, at that). These babes have movies and careers and agendas to sell, oldest story in the world. Jen and Vince, anyone?

Ms. W is the craftiest broad alive; she's teaching J.G. spectacularly well. Just ask Ryan Phillippe if you don't believe this to be a high probability. But on the other hand, if this sorta white-bread, milquetoast romance is what you need to get your fantasy on every morning, then, dears, go right ahead, be my limp guest.

I just prefer my Awful readers to be fully informed consumers, that's all.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth