Wednesday 25 February 2009

Gay BFF: A User's Guide

Jake Gyllenhaal and Penelope Cruz
Vanity Fair Oscar Party 2009


If you're a girl of a certain age, or even a metrosexual boy with an enlightened sense of style, chances are you have a gay best friend. You two are probably pretty tight and tell each other everything. After all, gays are like really understanding well-dressed genies, right? Like all cute, smart and adorable animals, your gay is more complicated than you think. To help you get the most out of your gay BFF, we've assembled a brief manual of operations.

Gay men are like straight men, it's just they're not trying to fuck you.

"Why can't there be straight guys, like you?" you ask us and we smile, secure in our knowledge that we're more talented, charming and well-groomed than any straight boy you'll ever encounter. Here's the dirty little secret the gays have been keeping from you: We're huge horrible jerks, too—it's just we have no desire to pork you, so we won't fuck with your head. Yes, we listen to you and talk about our feelings, but believe it or not, these are things that straight guys do as well, they just don't do it with you. Again, because of the whole fucking thing. They're trying to get into bed with you and men, in general, always assume there's some sort of secret game of indifference and emotional manipulation that's needed to score. How do we know this? Because we do it to other guys all the time. We don't call our dates back. We act aloof and have terrible fears of commitment. You know how we tell you about all the terrible things our various boyfriends do to us? Well, guess what? We're doing them, too. Why do we seem like such a better catch than straight dudes? Because we don't want to have sex with you. If we did, we'd be jerks, too.

Never fall in love with your gay.

Following from this, the single most important thing to maintaining a long term friendship with your gay is to never-ever fall in love with them. Remember how you felt about N'Sync growing up? Chances are, your gay BFF brings up a lot of those old pre-teen feelings. At some point, perhaps during some 2am chat about the various merits of Ben & Jerry's Mint Chocolate Chip, you'll think to yourself, "This is so much better than the annoying singles scene. If only I could get him to sleep with me." When you start having these thoughts, you need to send your gay home. While we can have deep emotional relationships with our girlfriends, we're never going to be able to give you what you want. The reason the relationship is easy is because it's not going anywhere. Real relationships are messy, complicated and riddled with self-doubt and expectation. Pursuing a gay boy will only wind up with you resenting them, not just because they can't return your love, but because you've spent all your time wooing them instead of finding a man who will give you what you want.

Do not call yourself a "fag hag." Do not let your gay call you one.

"Fag hag" is a really demeaning term. It's a fat girl who can never get a date. It's someone who still has unicorn posters in her bedroom. You're a woman. Your life isn't defined by your gays and if it is, you should reconsider what you're doing with your life. Don't hide behind your gays. Don't use them as a crutch. Instead, face life fabulously together.

Don't ask "So are you the guy or the girl?" Do ask about gay sex.

Don't laugh! This happens more often than you think. At some point, you're going to start becoming interested in how this whole gay sex thing happens and despite everything the Japanese manga industry has told you, it's not all longing gazes and hand-holding. Believe it or not, most gays are shy about talking about their sex lives, at least with straight people. This is because, for the most part, the heterosexual world considers what we do gross and icky. Taking an active interest in your gays sex life will show them that you're actually interested in them. On a related note, feel free to ask them about gay rights and gay causes. Don't just tell them you agree with them, but ask their opinion. It's a two-way street girlfriend. It is totally okay to ask if they're a top or a bottom, though. Just don't laugh when they say they're a top.

If he drags you to a gay bar, drag him to a straight one.

Another dirty little secret about your gay BFF: The reason he drags you out to gay bars is to get laid. As previously mentioned, gays are just as bad as straights when it comes to dating and hooking-up and having you by his side takes off a lot of the pressure. Just as he's your emotional safety net, at a gay bar, you are his rejection safety net. You're also a convenient conversation starter: "Oh, yeah, this is Dana. I thought I'd take her out and show her how the gay half lives!" You're someone who can vouch for the fact that he's not a psycho without looking like competition.

This is great and all, but you need to make sure there's some parity. Use your gay boy to get you some straight tail. Promise him a night of breeder fun and hold him to it. The best way to lure a gay out on a straight night is say you want to start off at Hooters. As we've mentioned many times before on this blog, Hooters is gay catnip. We don't know why, but seriously, just thinking about Hooters makes me want to call up The Hostess for hot wings. Once you have them out, drag them to a straight bar, point out men you're into and use them as props.

Now, here's how this works for both of you. At some point in the night your gay is going to meet a man or you are. You need to have a signal for each other which means, "I am ready to get laid now. Time to go." If you think this is mean or unfair, just imagine you've met a really cute guy at a bar, you're getting along famously and your gay friend is there, talking about the latest Daft Punk album. Remember, the key to a healthy straight-gay relationship is to be having sex with people who will have sex with you. Never let that trump your desire for emotional snuggle time.

Don't make your boyfriend hang out with your gay. If you're a straight dude, please don't assume we want to sleep with you.

Congratulations! You've followed all our advice and instead of developing a tragic codependency with your gay, you've both found boyfriends are maintaining a healthy friendship. Now, do your straight lover a favor and don't insist that he become BFF's with your gay, too. If it happens, let it happen, but as many a Craigslist rant attests to, straight guys don't like competition, even if it's from gay dudes.

And now a word for the straight guys: We don't want to sleep with you. Now, because we're guys, we know that underneath that macho exterior, there's a insecure guy constantly craving validation. But it's amazing that no matter how unattractive, unshaven or slovenly they are, every straight guy I've known for any length of time has admitted that he assumes I am secretly into them. What's worse is that they're crestfallen when I say, "Sorry, you're not my type." Yes, some of you guys are really hot, but for the most part, our desire not to get beaten up and killed trumps whatever desire we have to make a move on you. Now, if you start reciprocating, all bets are off, but so long as you don't want to sleep with us, we're probably not going to try to sleep with you.

Because you know another gay person, do not assume that they will make the perfect boyfriend for your gay BFF.

You know what happens when you set us up on a date with the other gay you know? We go for dinner at a mid-scale restaurant and talk about you the whole time. We smile politely at each other and go our separate ways. Why? There's nothing so unsexy as being set-up by our straight BFF.

Source: Queerty, The Care and Feeding of Your Homosexual: A User's Guide for Straights; Photo: IHJ

1,278 comments:

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Anonymous said...

^^Agreed.

Anonymous said...

Ted's frustrated ranting is just going to make him look bad.

It's going to make it look like he has some kind of personal vendetta against Jake when their is no evidence that Jake has ever done anything to hurt Ted.

It will make Ted look petty, vindictive and foolish.

And I suspect it will actually garner sympathy for Jake.

The storyline will probably be the Ted is just this tired old queen who probably tried to hit on Jake and got turned down.

I mean really musicals are how you try to look butch???

I guess that explains Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire.

Anonymous said...

Reese Witherspoon @ event

Anonymous said...

Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire were straight. Jake is not.

Anonymous said...

They also were great dancers. Jake is not a dancer--I would call him a musical theater wannabe.

Anonymous said...

I totally disagree with the sentiment here. I think everyone in Hollywood thinks its time for the closet queens to have the balls to come out. Sean Penn's acceptance sppech was fantastic. I doubt he would have included in his words "Every gay man should stay in the closet". Closet queens don't believe in equal rights. They should have just all voted yes for Prop 8.

Anonymous said...

"Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire were straight. Jake is not."

Hum there were rumours about Gene Kelly!

Anonymous said...

Tonight I check out Todd in Damn Yankees.

I dont know what Jake has in him. I was astonished by SNL performance. The lil fucker's full a surprises.

I thought Ted's comments were funny - highlighting how Jake's efforts towards straightening out his image cant help but swing in the other direction.

and how the arc of his universe seems to tend inexorably towards self-revealment.

thought the crack about marrying Reese and planning his own wedding was pretty effing funny.

Anonymous said...

"I totally disagree with the sentiment here. I think everyone in Hollywood thinks its time for the closet queens to have the balls to come out"

So What ????

Anonymous said...

"highlighting how Jake's efforts towards straightening out his image cant help but swing in the other direction.

and how the arc of his universe seems to tend inexorably towards self-revealment."

I feel Ted is pissed off!! lol

Anonymous said...

Bearding is a reason enough to make an effort not to be seen together.

Then Austin has taken gay rights back to the middle ages or the
40's since some here insist that J/A are still together.
What a dummy Austin is!

Anonymous said...

Ted's been predicting for a long time. Hasn't happened yet, and he's not going to make it happen.

And who cares if he's pissed off.

Anonymous said...

"It will make Ted look petty, vindictive and foolish."

Ted just gives his readers want!

Anonymous said...

Way to show all those people out there that those gay rumors are false, right?

"If I was gay I would chose only butch roles to prove how straight I am. I'm not gay because I'm not afraid to play gayish roles too."

Anonymous said...

"I feel Ted is pissed off!! lol"

Who's not?

Anonymous said...

Ted's frustration is leading him to make some silly statements.

What's silly about it?

Don't you remember fangirls "argument" - if Jake was gay he wouldn't risk and play gay in Brokeback Mountain?

Anonymous said...

3:36, thank you.

Re: Ted's rant: a lot of noise signifying nothing.

Ted needs to grow some balls. Stop hiding behind rumors. Tell the world that Jake is gay and back it up.

I am beginning to get really tired of Ted. He's just another gutless wonder. He isn't willing to put his career where his mouth is either.

Hypocrite.

Anonymous said...

Really Ted would be pissed off cause Gay/bi Jake don't want to come out as if he was the only one!!!

And the others ???? you know the 97% closeted actors in HW ??????

Give me a break!

Anonymous said...

"Ted needs to grow some balls. Stop hiding behind rumors."

Behind rumours ? You mean his own story.
He never will say Jake is gay , he is not that stupid.

Anonymous said...

I am beginning to get really tired of Ted. He's just another gutless wonder. He isn't willing to put his career where his mouth is either.

Why would he? What good would outing Jake make?

Anonymous said...

What good would outing Jake make?

Think about it! If Ted outed Jake and Jake denied or ignored it, what would happe`? Nothing. Ted would look lik a fool and the TT saga would be over. Would he want that? Probably not. TT brings him attention.

Anonymous said...

When Jake first read the script at 17 he said he said eeeewwwww! no way!

However, later on, hot to work with Ang, Jake persuaded himself & no doubt encouraged by Ang himself that the cowboys were not gay but st men in love and Jake understood that since he'd once had a crush on a guy. (right, Jake, we're with you all the way. Gus VanSant's with you, Ang and Jimmy Schamus are with you. . .and Billy Crystal - etcetcetc . . . ) ummm. right.

Jake wondered in his kind of befogged way if Ang had seen something in him that he had not seen himself -

oh Jake when he plays protesting maiden is so hawt!

Anonymous said...

"Think about it! If Ted outed Jake and Jake denied or ignored it, what would happe`? Nothing. Ted would look lik a fool and the TT saga would be over. Would he want that? Probably not. TT brings him attention."

ITA

Anonymous said...

"Think about it! If Ted outed Jake and Jake denied or ignored it, what would happe`? Nothing. Ted would look lik a fool and the TT saga would be over.

Ignoring or denying doesn't stop gay rumors.

November, 2000
Ricky Martin: If I were gay, why not admit it? I am a normal man. I love women and sex. I am a real hot-blooded Puerto Rican, but I have never been attracted by sex with a man.

Anonymous said...

"Ignoring or denying doesn't stop gay rumors."

Exact ! it's not what Jake wants.
He wants to keep his gay rumours and I am sure in next interviews he will be ambiguous like always!!

Didn't he say once people can tell any stories about him only if they spell his name right lol

Anonymous said...

Think about it! If Ted outed Jake and Jake denied or ignored it, what would happe`? Nothing.

Outing is possible ONLY when you have a proof that someone is gay (photos, video) or there is a credible gay lover willing to talk on the record.
That would be something and that would be outing.

Anonymous said...

Ted has already outed Jake. Ted has not identified Jake as Toothy. I agree this all means nothing without some proof. Ted wants to keep dragging us along. Soon we will tire of it. Then he will look like a fool.

Anonymous said...

He wants to keep his gay rumours and I am sure in next interviews he will be ambiguous like always!!

I hope so.

Anonymous said...

Then he will look like a fool.

Nonsense. Jake will still be gay.

Anonymous said...

IHJ Gallery

Reeke - Coffee In Brentwood

March 03, 2009 6:44 AM


I always get the feeling she's his AA sponsor.

Anonymous said...

Ted wants to keep dragging us along.

Jake is bearding and hiding, don't blame Ted for that.

Anonymous said...

"Jake is bearding and hiding, don't blame Ted for that."

Don't be stupid!

Anonymous said...

"Nonsense. Jake will still be gay."

For those who blindly believe Ted , surely!

Anonymous said...

Don't be stupid!

Don't just yell, explain why I'm stupid :)

Anonymous said...

For those who blindly believe Ted , surely!

We don't need Ted to tell us how gay Jake is - Jake is doing that himself!

Anonymous said...

Ted's comments were great today, and I'm sure that they were a direct response to Jake's PR machine, which is probably trying to counter all of the revived gay rumors flowing from Damn Yankees with 'Jake is man enough (ie. straight enough) to star in a musical'.

After all this time, however, the CAA/Disney spin machine still can't generate a confirmed, serious role in a finished serious movie for their closeted gay star, can they? Gee, I guess that Ang Lee, Clint Eastwood and David Fincher just aren't listening.

Yawn. Wake me when we see Jake on the set of an actual movie again, OK? Staged coffee runs are so D-List.

Anonymous said...

"We don't need Ted to tell us how gay Jake is - Jake is doing that himself!"

Yes, and will continue to do so, despite his deep dark fears of being ostracized by his family and community.

Anonymous said...

It' no wonder if Jake is laughing at Ted. All of closeted Hollywood is proabably laughing.

What is the point of this silly rant? Ted hasn't got the guts to out Jake or anyone else. He has no proof and Hollywood knows it.

In his own way, Ted just's another pr tool.

Hmm, I wonder if traffic to his site is down, and he figured some Jake noise would increase the flow.

Anonymous said...

Yes, and will continue to do so, despite his deep dark fears of being ostracized by his family and community.

(((Jakey)))

Anonymous said...

Hmm, I wonder if traffic to his site is down, and he figured some Jake noise would increase the flow.

Huh? You forgot about Damn Yankees remake announcement?

Anonymous said...

"Ted's comments were great today, and I'm sure that they were a direct response to Jake's PR machine, which is probably trying to counter all of the revived gay rumors flowing from Damn Yankees with 'Jake is man enough (ie. straight enough) to star in a musical'.

After all this time, however, the CAA/Disney spin machine still can't generate a confirmed, serious role in a finished serious movie for their closeted gay star, can they? Gee, I guess that Ang Lee, Clint Eastwood and David Fincher just aren't listening.

Yawn. Wake me when we see Jake on the set of an actual movie again, OK? Staged coffee runs are so D-List."

I don't know who is bitter , you or Ted LOL

Anonymous said...

"We don't need Ted to tell us how gay Jake is - Jake is doing that himself!"


Hum oh yeah !!

I am still in Jake is bi team thought

Anonymous said...

"I don't know who is bitter , you or Ted LOL"

No, Babblers like you are bitter because the CAA/spin-campaign and this fauxmance are generating more coffee stains than serious, confirmed movie offers for Jake.

Anonymous said...

"No, Babblers like you are bitter because the CAA/spin-campaign and this fauxmance are generating more coffee stains than serious, confirmed movie offers for Jake."


You re still bitter

Anonymous said...

Something sweet

Anonymous said...

^^ Bitter fan-girl, Reeker alert today. Drink some more coffee and you'll feel better. Jake will still want you, which is more than I can say about the A-List directors in Hollywood. Maybe you and Jake can have coffee with Penelope Cruz tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

Although you could say that Jake's brought all this on himself, you have to feel sorry for him (feeling you have to beard with the old reeker can't be fun for anyone) and hope the best for him. Especially when you see how cute he can look as in 6:21's pic.

I blame his parents myself. Never expect you children to provide you with the success you missed out on, you should just let them live their lives.

Anonymous said...

"Although you could say that Jake's brought all this on himself, you have to feel sorry for him (feeling you have to beard with the old reeker can't be fun for anyone) and hope the best for him. Especially when you see how cute he can look as in 6:21's pic.

I blame his parents myself. Never expect you children to provide you with the success you missed out on, you should just let them live their lives."

He chooses it , stop your shit!

Anonymous said...

"Especially when you see how cute he can look as in 6:21's pic."

You mean whan he looks at a man ? lol

Anonymous said...

I dont know, I look at some old pictures, now, such as that of 6:21 and he's just come to look like he's wheeling and dealing. I don't trust him, anymore, sad to say.

Anonymous said...

6:48 No, don't be so cruel. As with last week's VF party, it looks like he's just really pleased to have been asked to dine at the top table, even if it does require him to put up with the death clutch of the reekster. I don't think Jake has enough influence to wheel and deal.

Anonymous said...

I dont know, I look at some old pictures, now, such as that of 6:21 and he's just come to look like he's wheeling and dealing. I don't trust him, anymore, sad to say.

Sadly, I agree.

Anonymous said...

Don't trust him to do what exactly? What an odd statement.

Anonymous said...

Now Look What You've Done!

Anonymous said...

Since the latter half or 2007 to Dec. 2008, Jake has worked on three films in a row.

One of them, Brothers is a drama.

Who decides what constitues a "serious" film career.

Did Johnny Depp stop being a "serious" actor because he's done three Pirates movies.

So silly.

Anonymous said...

Since the latter half or 2007 to Dec. 2008, Jake has worked on three films in a row.

One of them, Brothers is a drama.

Who decides what constitues a "serious" film career.

Did Johnny Depp stop being a "serious" actor because he's done three Pirates movies.

So silly.

Thanks so much. The fanboys will try their best to bash the mans career. Jake could've worked on 5 movies last year and they still would be talking the same lame busllshit about him not having a movie released. "Take the Jake pictures off your walls" OK bitter fan boys.
I want some COFFEE..

Anonymous said...

Ted is just one more bitter bitch.

Methinks Ted may feel his credibility slipping.

I think Jake is gay, but I hope he is laughing his ass off at this fool.

Ted needs to come with the goods or step off.

Coward.

Anonymous said...

Well so far none of those pictures have been released so it very difficult to gauge how good any of them are isn't it. Even is Brothers does get released later this year that will be almost two year's since Jake had a film out. And nearly over four years since he was in a commercially successful one.

Although Zodiac could be viewed as a critical success everyone would have to agree that it tanked at the box office. The less said about Rendition the better really.

Anonymous said...

What fanboys? Fanboys and fangirls believe Jake so they believe Jake is straight and perfect.

Anonymous said...

3 minutes

ianundercover.com

Anonymous said...

^ ^

I would not watch or listen to this dreckmeister for anything.

Anonymous said...

It's free! lol

Anonymous said...

How interesting, there seems to be a concerted effort to ridicule Ted. Who are these people? Jake's PR? LOL

Jake is gay. Ted or no Ted. There are a vast number of interviews, photo ops, pics, of Jake. Google is a great search engine. Use it. Then you'll see why.

Why is it that every time some one tells the truth about Jake's career, they are accused of being "bitter"?! Jake's career is shit at the moment. Considering the opportunities he has had from a very early age, with respected Directors, what is he doing now? And don't, just DON"T say he has done 3 films back to back. It doesn't matter how many damn films you do, what matters is how good you are in them. After BBM he has done nothing of note. His last 3 films sill to be released. LOL!

Anonymous said...

It would seem that Jake's pr is winning since Ted's response is this pathetic rant.

He's making fool of himself all by himself.

Some of us are just tired of his gameplaying. He's been using Jake's gay fan base just like Jake.

Some of us are tired of being played by him. He need to put up or shut up.

Anonymous said...

Give it a rest or at least find a new adjective. You have posted repeatedly calling Ted a "fool" or "foolish". SAME adjective you use on IMDB and at the babbling blog. Do you realize how foolish you seem posting and reposting the same opinions in the same tone with the same words?

Anonymous said...

Agree with you on that 8.46

But if Ted outs Jake as Toothy, from then on, he will have to back up everything he says with evidence. No more loose gossiping for Ted about Toothy.
I can't see Ted giving that up!
I think Jake is happy for Ted to go on about Toothy. It keeps him in the news so to speak.

Seriously, if you took Reeke away, and Ted's Toothy away, what is there to talk about Jake? His upcoming (??) musical where he plays a baseball hunk with a falsetto voice? maybe he yodels too!

Anonymous said...

The "put up or shut up" line is also starting to become really redundant Trolly. Get a thesaurus.

Anonymous said...

Outside of Jake's fan sites, does anyone else even discuss him? A lot of people I talk to don't even know who he is, till you mention BBM.

Anonymous said...

LOL at the "Turn on Ted" troll. He thinks Jake is straight, gay and bi but the one consistent message is to stop reading and believing in anything Ted writes (which is the real goal of the troll).

I know the smart WFT2 readers already figured this out but I just needed to say it.

Anonymous said...

The really smart WFT2 readers are tired of Ted. How many different way can you say nothing new.

Even some of the people at OMG are tired of Ted, and that place is like the church of Ted.

Apparantly the Tedheads can't handle it.

Anonymous said...

OT: Leonardo DiCaprio in talks to star in Christopher Nolan's next film (not Batman sequel): http://www.variety.com/article/VR1118000802.html?categoryid=10&cs=1

No Jake???

Anonymous said...

All that bearding in vain. Maybe he should demand that paycheck back from chinny!

Anonymous said...

No, the really smart WFT2 readers can spot Babblers and Jake is straight believers pushing their agenda endlessly. Ted's words were witty and to the point. And Jake can't deny what he is. He can beard, but can't bring himself to say the words, I'm not gay. Nor can he say I like Reese, let alone I love her. He has yet to say a word about her.

Anonymous said...

I think some of you need to separate two issues. His sex life and his movies.

Brothers could be good, it has a very good director. Nailed could be good, the director is sometimes very good. POP could go either way, the director is crap but the producer and production is top notch.

Leo had many ups and downs in his career. He had periods where no movies came out. The crapfest "the beach" for example of a low.

Depp did a lot a movies no one saw. He had hits and misses, but age really did him a favor.

Georgie C., the TV actor to make it big was an old man before he got his shit together.

What kind of career will Jake have, I don't know, but he is young and male and their careers can last a long time. I wish he would do a small movie then a big then a small, but I'm not advising him.

Does he have the chops? Maybe, I think if he grows up in real life he will be better on screen. I think he had a pampered life in many ways and this year with the death of his grandmother, friend, dog, parents' marriage will make him a better actor.

Anonymous said...

Good points 12:57. I am waiting to see how Brothers does, critically and box office. The subject matter is difficult to say the least. Nailed I can wait for. Adversity makes one stronger and Jake has had doors opened for him. Hard to say how far he would have got on his own. Heath, Johnny Depp, George seemed to have big personalities and take no prisoner attitudes. Non conforming. They were who they were and did not make apologies for it. Jake seems to want to fit in more.

Anonymous said...

Zodiac & Rendition had big Directors too.
Depp, Leo, George all had slow times and have come up again. As it's already come to pass, it's fact.
Jake is going down, whether he will come up like the others mentioned above, still remains to be seen.
I think he's a one hit wonder just like his beard.

Anonymous said...

Outside of Jake's fan sites, does anyone else even discuss him? A lot of people I talk to don't even know who he is, till you mention BBM.

^^ this needs repeating and I totally agree. So the gay fans here need to take notice, so stop that "he's losing his fanbase shit daily". Most know of him from BBM or Reese, not by gay fanbase.
But the gay support (is) a good thing.

Anonymous said...

LOL at the "Turn on Ted" troll. He thinks Jake is straight, gay and bi but the one consistent message is to stop reading and believing in anything Ted writes (which is the real goal of the troll).

LOL indeed!
But you got to admire troll's persistence :)

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