The Loneliest Places

30 October 2005

'My experience on Jarhead was lifechanging,' says Jake Gyllenhaal. 'Because I've worked with directors a lot who thought I was a certain thing and fit me into that box, you know. And Sam wasn't like that at all. And Ang is, though I hate the word, an auteur. The last two movies I shot, though I didn't know it at the time, were really about loneliness - and what you find in the loneliest of places. Plains and mountains that go on forever, deserts that are hot and dry with nothing growing ... and go on forever. That's why I gravitated toward them, I suppose.

'Some movies you fall a step behind,' he adds, 'and some you stay in the same place, make the same choices. And then sometimes there are people who know more than you but show you, and that's the maximum you can hope for - doing that with someone who says, "I like you for what you are, and I want you to be in my picture." I didn't have to fake it or put on a mask - all the resources I had inside me were more than adequate. I don't want to pretend to be something ... I'm not pretending any more to fit somebody's mould. That's a longwinded statement but - why not do what you really think, even if it's a mistake?'

Source: Jake's progress, guardian.co.uk

Beard or Bust!

If you are really Master of your Fate, it shouldn't make any difference to you whether Cleopatra or the Bearded Lady is your mate.
- Ogden Nash

I never had long hair before I got busted. I never had a beard before I got busted.
- Charles Manson

If the beard were all, goats could preach.
- Danish proverb

You can't grow a beard if you shave.
- Bob Blue

NO! Not the beard!
- Lord of The Rings

In Hollywood, you can keep a mistress, or a boyfriend, maybe both. You can go gay, bi, or pan-sexual. Just don't tell anybody, and don't get caught.
- Rock Hudson

Romeo and Romeo

February 2, 2009

Dear Ted:
Is Grey Goose George Clooney? Love you, love your column!
—Mross

Dear Goose Goss:
Toothy wishes. Really, I think he does.


Dear Ted:
Did you watch Prayers for Bobby? I thought it was a wonderful movie with a powerful message, and it's great that Lifetime airs it, as it'll reach the people who need to see it the most. Sigourney Weaver was amazing, and I love Austin Nichols. It's nice to see you talking about him lately, and I hope you talk about him more. He is talented and dreamy.
—Melanie

Dear Fantasy Land:
Wow-friggin'-woo, is Nichols ever taking part in risqué subject matter lately, this is so intriguing. New, daring leaf?


Dear Ted:
Is Baby Tile old enough to talk? Should Toothy Tile be worried about what he might say to people?
—Vicky

Dear Tattle Tooth:
Yes, very. Consider it a Daddy Fearest in the making.


Dear Ted:
Just to start setting a Valentine's Day mood, I'd like to ask you, what is, in your opinion, the greatest love story in today's Hollywood? Is it Toothy Tile and Gray Goose's endless, complex, beautiful and ever-forgiving love story?
—Miranda

Dear Unrequited Love:
Are you kidding? Toothy's tale is more like Hom-e-o and Juliet—there's nothing great about it. Expect an equally bitter and potentially tragic ending, too. At this point, I'd go with Ellen and Portia.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth

Photo by Howard Roffman

Spitting Image

Llamas spit bad-smelling saliva through their teeth when they are angry or annoyed, and also to protect themselves. They are said to have great accuracy in spitting.

The camel, which belongs to the same family as the llama, also possesses this trait. Both camels and llamas have spit on people who tease them in zoos - not a very pleasant experience.

The Guiness Book of Records Watermelon Seed Spit Record shot the seed 68 feet 9 1/8 inches from the starting line. The championship waterment spit record was set in 1989 by Lee Wheelis.

"It’s a gift; you either got it or you don’t."

— Lee Wheelis, world watermelon-seed-spitting champion, Luling, Texas.

A Gentle Man

Heath Andrew Ledger

A brief candle; both ends burning
An endless mile; a bus wheel turning
A friend to share the lonesome times
A handshake and a sip of wine
So say it loud and let it ring
We are all a part of everything
The future, present and the past
Fly on proud bird
You're free at last.

- Charlie Daniels

Toothy at the Golden Globes

January 16, 2009

One Fabulous Fagola Run-in Blind Vice!

It was so delicious. Better than Angie getting her gal-flirt on at the Globes. Far better than whatever Mickey Rourke did with all those easy chicks at the after-parties. Call it showdown of the down-low dudes!

(You do know what down-low means, right? Uh, it's when superficially macho guys, often in the black and Latino cultures, but not always, like to screw with guys on the side while they've got the babes out in front.)

So here we go: Like the good little showman he is, Toothy Tile went to the Golden Globes this past weekend. And where was a camera when you needed one 'cause boyfriend ran into Lloyd Boy-Toyed, one of our other closeted Hollywood actors, just not as famous.

Jeez, wanna hear what happened?

They met. For the first time, I do not know, but I'm pretty sure it was. And even though both stars live to get their boy-flirt on, big-time, these guys are nearly a generation apart, so I highly doubt they mingle at the same gay gatherings.

But what's really interesting is how very sad Lloyd acted with Toothy, almost as if he saw before him the chance he'll never have: the possibility to come out of the closet and still have a career. Boy-Toyed never will out himself (although others sure as hell keep trying), not just because of his age, but because of his family, trust me on that one. But Toothy? Everybody knows he could still have it both ways; he's sure young enough. So what did Lloyd and Tooth discuss?

"The awards, the show, politics — it was a total come-on," insists my Toothy/Lloyd interloper. Am I quoting myself here, I wonder, and being very sneaky? Hmm. "It's how Lloyd operates. It's all in the eyes." Yes, that much is true. Very true. I know firsthand.

But let's get the point, already: Did Lloyd and Toothy hook up? Not there, they didn't, although I do believe digital info was exchanged, a dynamic that never would have gone down had T.T.'s standard chick date been around, which she wasn't, at least not then. Where could she have been? Stitching up Kate Beckinsale's dress in the ladies room?

Oh, and Lloyd. You might as well throw that number away. Toothy so is not calling. Sorry. (He's taken, a few times over.)

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth

One Sad Blind Vice

December 19, 2008

One Gag Me With Cocaine Blind Vice

Toothy Tile, we hardly knew ya. Last week it was signed confidentiality agreements with your male paramours (other than your main man); this week it's far, far, far worse: pretend, horrible sex with a member of the opposite sex, in hopes that your studly reputation will somehow be fixed. Ain't gonnna work — here's why:

Repeat Blind Vice offender Toothy has a former fling running her (yes, her) mouth around town about a drug-infested hookup with Mr. Tile. Do tell, babes! Apparently, T.T. banged said blabber to try to prove to himself — or more importantly, the powers that be (managers, publicists, the public) that he isn't gay. See, the more chicks he hooks, the farther back in the closet he goes; just how his handlers want it.

Eh, not really the best plan, as Tooth's last female "lover," if you could call her that, has been yapping away about her evening with the now A-list famous type. But it wasn't exactly candles and cuddles like you'd think.

Try tons of coke. Toothy would make this lady blow lines all over his tight bod until he was “numb,” bitched the gal who did the blowing. [First version: Toothy would make this lady blow lines off his, umm, little Toothy Tile, until he was "numb," bitched the gal who did the blowing.] Then they could get down to business in what we're told were very "interesting" positions, i.e., painfully unnatural and not exactly enjoyable.

As disturbing as this news is, we must say we feel a bit sorry for our beloved Tooth (not to mention the used honey). This all took place, we're told, before Tile hooked up with his current beard, right when he was adamantly told not to come out, so it's no wonder he turned to drugs.

What's next? Meth with Morgan Mayhem? Pray not.

And It Ain't: All 3 Jonas Bros.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth