Too Close For Comfort

September 4, 2008

Dear Ted:
Is Baby Tile human or animal?
—C.L. in Pa.

Dear Little of Both:
As human as something can be in this town.


Dear Ted:
I just had an epiphany...is Toothy Tile Liev Schreiber? Baby on the way, same age as Affleck. Come on, it's killing me not to know.
—Gillian

Dear Too Close for Toothy's Comfort:
Not exactly. Actually, not at all. But L and the real Tooth do have so much in common, true.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth
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September 5, 2008

One Boyishly Bothered Blind Vice

Isn't it interesting Lloyd Boy-Toyed is undertaking his latest media campaign to fight off rumors about everything under the tabloid sun—every topic save the one he wants to get out: that he sometimes likes young dudes in bed. Not Michael Jackson-style, mind you, but he sometimes likes 'em young. And to keep quiet. And you know what that means, doncha girlfriends? Occasionally Mr. Boy-Toyed's gotta give 'em the green. What a cold, hard, cashed-out town this can be, huh?

Let's see, Lloyd's busy mouthing off about his nasty battles with most everybody in the Biz, not to mention his more cherished (and known) companions and relatives. He appears to be a total crank-a-thon, really, but don't believe it for a sec. Oh, some of it's real, that's fer sure, but it's mostly for show, I assure you.

I have firsthand knowledge of Lloyd's more cunning agendas—not to mention the ones he prefers to get underway under the covers. Don't ask me how. I can't tell! I'm a married man now! I would never embark on something as nasty as tattling 'tween the sheets when I've got a superhoney at home. Quite the opposite of how Lloyd goes about things, trust.

Really, though, as sloppy as Lloyd's getting in the attempting-to-score department, he's gonna be out long before our beloved Toothy Tile, I assure you. Oh, and Lloyd-baby, I don't care, really. But, your blind-as-merde fans sure will. I say screw it, already! (Like you have so many guys.)

And It Ain't: Matthew Perry, David Duchovny, Kanye West

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth