Dr. Parnassus, Session Three

Feb 12, 2008

Q: Doctor Parnassus, can we talk Ted?
Doctor Parnassus: Despite my commodious competence with languages, Tedspeak is a derivative dialect of interrrelated involvedness and exaggerated enigmatic implication that is difficult to deconstruct into actual —
Q: I mean, why won’t Ted unmask Toothy Tile?
Doctor Parnassus: Oh lambkin. Would Classic Coke reveal its formula? Would a hairdryer blow without its motor? Would primates fly out of my —
Q: He’s pretty much said it’s Jake Gyllenhaal, but some still don’t believe.
Doctor Parnassus: Belief is over-rated, my pet. Disbelief is what matters.
Q: So we shouldn’t believe that Jake is Toothy?
Doctor Parnassus: No, you should disbelieve that he isn’t.
Q: Ah. So how do you explain the girlfriend?
Doctor Parnassus: In standard Myers-Briggs testing, Ms R exhibited maladaptive control issues coupled with elements of Doris Day Derangement Syndrome (DDDS). This first manifests itself in acute-onset PDA, usually with additional exhibitionism at key junctures in professional life —
Q: What I meant was, why does Toothy have a girlfriend?
Doctor Parnassus: Toothiness is not next to godliness, dear kumquat! And you do know that boring sex is pornoliscious, don't you? Dull is exciting, safety is danger! Yes, conflicted individual mental processes hunger to explore the full range and subtlety of human experience. It’s also called research.
Q: Moving on…I know this is crazy, but Ted seems to hate Heath.
Doctor Parnassus: First, “crazy” is a meaningless terminology that I categorically expunge from my lexical semantics. Second, during neuro-linguistic programming sessions with me, Theodore-Bruce — let's leave his dissociative identity disorder for another discussion, shall we — revealed his true emotions for Mr Ledger and, I assure you, they were quite wet.
Q: Then why give Jake a pass on paying respects to Heath?
Doctor Parnassus: Sweet pickle, ever heard about reverse psychology? I tried it on myself once and it made me kiss a woman.

Source: Waiting for Toothy blog comments

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Dear Ted:
Your One Karma-Killin' Blind Vice about Butch Spit-Spat and his underage son "dating" the older woman came out in TMZ. Butch is Billy Bob Thornton; poor kid is his son. Awesome reporting—you beat the authorities by a month. Hopefully, the LAPD will subscribe to your site!
Stephanie
Greensboro, N.C.

Dear Goss Gal:
Now, if only TMZ could help all of you reveal that pesky Toothy Tile.

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth