The Cruel and Unusual Replies Have It

Dear Ted:
I just added egomaniacal Eddie Murphy to the list of people whose movies and shows I will not watch. He joins Rosie O'Donnell, Russell Crowe, Oprah and Tom Cruise. But here's why I am writing—Eddie Murphy is Toothy Tile, right? God knows he's Toothy.
Jeane
Walnut Creek, California

Dear Blacklisting Betty:
Eddie, Rosie, Russell and Tom aren’t too surprising celebs to leave a bad taste in people’s mouths. But what in heaven’s name do you have against Mama O? I’d think at least the cast of The Hills would wind up on a blacklist before Oprah. In any case, Eddie deserves a smart punch in his smilies, but he ain’t no Toothy.

* * *

Dear Ted:
I want to let you know I am currently on my deathbed and will be long gone before Toothy Tile is ever revealed. Can you just tell me? I will not reveal it to anyone!
Amy
Richmond, Virginia

Dearly Beloved:
My lips will be sealed at your wake. I'll bring a casserole, though!

Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth and The Awful Express