Yesterday someone paged Dr. Parnassus and made me want to read his comments again. I've decided to repost them here – they are too good to be left hidden.
Feb 10, 2008
Q: Doctor Parnassus, why did Heath Ledger die?
Doctor Parnassus: My child, he died so his family could exploit his death for their own aggrandizement.
Q: And is Heath a bad man?
Doctor Parnassus: Oh yes. Seeking to avoid pain by using artificial aids is a sign of unremitting wickedness. Mr Ledger was feeling anxious and blue, so his doctor gave him Valium and Xanax. The Xanax disrupted his sleep, so he was prescribed Restoril. It didn't work so well and he was having headaches, so he took ibuproferen for the pain. Then he got a cold after working long nights, so he took some antihistamine. I wouldn’t be surprised if he drank wine regularly as well. It’s not human weakness, it’s simply evil. Tom Cruise agrees with me on this.
Q: So why did Cate Blanchett give a eulogy at his funeral?
Doctor Parnassus: CAA made her step in after one of their other clients dropped out.
Q: But why did Daniel-Day Lewis, one of our great actors, say admiring things about Heath?
Doctor Parnassus: Sentimental Anglo-Irish, you know. Plus self-aggrandizement.
Q: Doc, it’s coming clear. Heath was no good and everyone who paid tribute to him was faking or selfish.
Doctor Parnassus: Exactamundo, dear one.
Q: Family and mother of his child, too?
Doctor Parnassus: See my first answer.
Q: Jake Gyllenhaal didn’t pay tribute so…he’s the only non-phony. And unselfish?
Doctor Parnassus: One of my interesting cases. On this, he is a paragon of perfection, my sweet. He stayed silent as the grave (no pun intended!), avoided the spotlight (except in appropriate places such as People magazine), and kept shooting his movie (work comes first) and living his life with Ms Reese (another client of mine). I’m quite impressed with the boy.
Q: Now that you’ve explained it all, me too.
Source: Waiting for Toothy blog comments
***
Feb 11, 2008
Q: Doctor Parnassus, why do the haters keeping hatin’ on Jake?
Doctor Parnassus: Oh my pumpkin, the homosexualistas love to devour their own.
Q: Jake is gay?
Doctor Parnassus: Hellooo! He is one of the most cheerful people I know!
Q: But I mean, why knock him for being public with the girlfriend and private with the dead friend?
Doctor Parnassus: These kvetchers are confused people who think inconsistency is bad. Inconsistency is good! PDA with Ms Reese but no display for Mr Heath is actually a sign of solidarity with all those dedicated to living lives of integration and wholeness.
Q: Hmmm. Doesn’t it suggest the maturity of a 6-year-old?
Doctor Parnassus: Not at all. I would say that people who speak out are immature. Mr Daniel Lewis is six.
Q: But about the haters…
Doctor Parnassus: Irrational need for integrity. Integrity is the last refuge of the insincere. You know, the good end happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what fiction means.
Q: You’ve lost me.
Doctor Parnassus: Ok, how about this? Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
Q: You mean forgive the Jake haters?
Doctor Parnassus: No, I mean forgive the Heath lovers. They’ll hate that.
Source: Waiting for Toothy blog comments
***
May 13, 2008
Dear Becky:
As Ted isn't giving us so much as a bone lately, what do you know about Toothy? Anything?
Kyle
Dear Smiley Secret:
I know enough not to give away his identity while Ted’s gone.
Source: Ted Casablanca's The Awful Truth